It was the night before Adalynne's second birthday and I could not spend enough time with my boys. I had bought the boys a book called, "The Grouchy Ladybuy." I bought it because it made me think about Adalynne. We called Adalynne our "little ladybug". So, I am trying to read the book to Harrison and Houston, but Houston was being impossible. I asked Houston, "why did I get this book?" He said, "for Adalynne and for me," with his beautiful big eyes looking up at me.
"Why for Adalynne?"
He said, "becuase she was our Ladybug."
"Why did I get it for you?" I asked. With his lower lip poking out, "because I am grouchy."
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Pro-Love
With the HHS mandate making headlines and breaking hearts, I can't help but think of Adalynne. Whether your are pro-life or pro-choice, the fact that the government has mandated what Catholic organizations can and cannot do is fundamentally wrong. A Jewish Temple would never be mandated to provide pork to their "non-kosher" employees. A Muslim woman would not be mandated not to wear her hijab on an airplane ride. I am Catholic and I am blessed to say that I am.I am obviously pro-life, but it is more than that. It is deeper.
I would never make judgement on a woman who made the heart wrenching decision to end her own child's life. I pray that she finds peace in her decision. The way I see it, is that it is not a pro-life or pro-choice argument. It is a disgusting violation on the Catholic religion, blurring the ability to determine where the line should be drawn in religious freedom.
I was told by three different doctors from three different practices that I should abort Adalynne. One said that I, "need to think about me and my health." The second one said something about grocery store outings (see post from 10/10/09 "What Do You Say?"). The third one gave me statistics on the lives of those who have been diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and their quality of life. Having that decision handed to me, there it was in my face being asked so are you pro-choice or pro-life. Here is your chance. I remember putting my face in my hands crying out, "I don't want to go to hell!" As if I needed to justify being pro-love, and not wanting to kill my child. The decision was not only influenced by my religion, but because our daughter was wanted. Even though an act my husband and I made resulted in Adalynne's beating heart, her life was hers. Just because the body she had wasn't perfect, I was not going to end her life; even with the medical advice we were given.
Where are the lines drawn? Adalynne was given a terminal diagnoses, and I was strongly encouraged by three doctors to end her life; as Ryan sat silently beside me with tear filled eyes. He was, for once, at a loss for words. I went against medical advice. The reason I say, "I" is because my actions directly impacted Adalynne's life, not Ryan's. Because, I went against medical advice because of my religion "per se" would this HHS mandate affect whether or not my medical bills would have been covered? See, a lot of times when a patient goes against medical advice several times, the insurance company will not cover their medical bills, related to whatever it was that the patient went against. For example, if a gestational diabetic had been admitted to the hospital to have her blood glucose levels "fixed" and got annoyed with the diet, finger sticks and insulin injections and left AMA before her levels were within a safe range some insurance companies would not cover the next hospitalization because she did not follow the medical advice. I got really sick, which was suspected because of Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities. It is often called "mirror syndrome". Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities influenced my placenta. I got sick, because Adalynne was "chromosomally" sick. I developed pregnancy induced hypertension and then HELLP syndrome. The HELLP syndrome is what ultimately lead to her very costly early delivery. I got to meet Adalynne, her tiny unique body with her huge spirit. In those sixteen weeks, from diagnosis to her birth, I learned lessons and gained wisdom well beyond my twenty eight years. When I think of that time in my life, I am filled with a sense of peace. This is the path we were meant to walk, but not alone it has been paved with God's grace. Yes, I lost a child. I get really sad and miss her terribly from Christmas until January 13th when we laid her in the ground. That day was so hard. I wanted to dig her up. Mom's are suppose to protect their children, not leave them in the ground. Not walk away when it is freezing. But, that was only one heart shattering day. The gifts we were given far out number the days where I didn't think I could function because of grief. Had I made the decision to end her life at twenty weeks, as suggested, it would have ended in a hospital room-a sterile hospital room. I would have thought what if, what if they doctor's were wrong. Did I make the right choice? There are so many decisions I have made, especially in my teenage years and mid-twenties, that still to this day make me cringe. Why was I so stupid? What was I thinking? That was not me! When looking back and making the wrong decisions, I can't hold my head high. All I can do, is seek forgiveness. Time and time again, decisions I made were not in line with faith, and I have regrets. But, when it comes to life that is not a decision I can make. I chose to love, and to do everything in my powers to make sure they know they are loved-from first breath until the last beat of their hearts or mine. It isn't a pro-choice or a pro-life thing at all, it is a pro-love thing.
I would never make judgement on a woman who made the heart wrenching decision to end her own child's life. I pray that she finds peace in her decision. The way I see it, is that it is not a pro-life or pro-choice argument. It is a disgusting violation on the Catholic religion, blurring the ability to determine where the line should be drawn in religious freedom.
I was told by three different doctors from three different practices that I should abort Adalynne. One said that I, "need to think about me and my health." The second one said something about grocery store outings (see post from 10/10/09 "What Do You Say?"). The third one gave me statistics on the lives of those who have been diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and their quality of life. Having that decision handed to me, there it was in my face being asked so are you pro-choice or pro-life. Here is your chance. I remember putting my face in my hands crying out, "I don't want to go to hell!" As if I needed to justify being pro-love, and not wanting to kill my child. The decision was not only influenced by my religion, but because our daughter was wanted. Even though an act my husband and I made resulted in Adalynne's beating heart, her life was hers. Just because the body she had wasn't perfect, I was not going to end her life; even with the medical advice we were given.
Where are the lines drawn? Adalynne was given a terminal diagnoses, and I was strongly encouraged by three doctors to end her life; as Ryan sat silently beside me with tear filled eyes. He was, for once, at a loss for words. I went against medical advice. The reason I say, "I" is because my actions directly impacted Adalynne's life, not Ryan's. Because, I went against medical advice because of my religion "per se" would this HHS mandate affect whether or not my medical bills would have been covered? See, a lot of times when a patient goes against medical advice several times, the insurance company will not cover their medical bills, related to whatever it was that the patient went against. For example, if a gestational diabetic had been admitted to the hospital to have her blood glucose levels "fixed" and got annoyed with the diet, finger sticks and insulin injections and left AMA before her levels were within a safe range some insurance companies would not cover the next hospitalization because she did not follow the medical advice. I got really sick, which was suspected because of Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities. It is often called "mirror syndrome". Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities influenced my placenta. I got sick, because Adalynne was "chromosomally" sick. I developed pregnancy induced hypertension and then HELLP syndrome. The HELLP syndrome is what ultimately lead to her very costly early delivery. I got to meet Adalynne, her tiny unique body with her huge spirit. In those sixteen weeks, from diagnosis to her birth, I learned lessons and gained wisdom well beyond my twenty eight years. When I think of that time in my life, I am filled with a sense of peace. This is the path we were meant to walk, but not alone it has been paved with God's grace. Yes, I lost a child. I get really sad and miss her terribly from Christmas until January 13th when we laid her in the ground. That day was so hard. I wanted to dig her up. Mom's are suppose to protect their children, not leave them in the ground. Not walk away when it is freezing. But, that was only one heart shattering day. The gifts we were given far out number the days where I didn't think I could function because of grief. Had I made the decision to end her life at twenty weeks, as suggested, it would have ended in a hospital room-a sterile hospital room. I would have thought what if, what if they doctor's were wrong. Did I make the right choice? There are so many decisions I have made, especially in my teenage years and mid-twenties, that still to this day make me cringe. Why was I so stupid? What was I thinking? That was not me! When looking back and making the wrong decisions, I can't hold my head high. All I can do, is seek forgiveness. Time and time again, decisions I made were not in line with faith, and I have regrets. But, when it comes to life that is not a decision I can make. I chose to love, and to do everything in my powers to make sure they know they are loved-from first breath until the last beat of their hearts or mine. It isn't a pro-choice or a pro-life thing at all, it is a pro-love thing.
Friday, December 30, 2011
When this Time of Year Comes 'Round
As I sit here watching my two big boys playing hockey on the X-Box and baby Hamilton soaking in every movement they make it helps my longing heart. Tomorrow Ryan and I will celebrate our seven year anniversary. We have been through some wonderful time these last seven years, and a lifetime of heart ache. I thought Houston had meningitis and would forever be affected, a fire, losing a child, 1000 year flood, and cancer. There is a small part of me, maybe two percent who asks why did it have to be us. Why did it have to be my baby girl? Why is it, that we have to buy ornaments for her that she has never opened? Why is it that instead of planning her second birthday, I am at Michael's picking out new flowers that will stand the rain? Why is it that when I think of her birthday, I immediately think five days? Born January 4, 2010, died January 9, 2010. I don't long for the idea of Adalynne. I miss my little girl. The one who I got to hold, kiss, watch sleep and whisper words of gratitude. But, that is only two percent. The voice in my head I try to ignore, because it only makes me sad. I was talking to my mom the other day, expressing to her how much I wish we could move. We bought our condo when I was twenty two year old, at the peak of the market. Since the flood of May 2010, they are selling for half of what we paid for our condo. Even though we did not get flooded from the May 2010, our children have flooded our condo twice. I am not going to name names, but one of children likes to flush toys and electric razors down the toilet. This has happened twice, and twice we have replaced our floors without the help of insurance. I was telling my mom that every time I pull up to our condo I think this is where we held Adalynne in our arms until she took her last breath. This is where our daughter died. Again, that is only two percent of me. This is where we were blessed enough to bring her home. She got to come home, here to this condo! Something we did not think would happen.
The other ninety eight percent of me thinks we were and are so very blessed. I was chosen to be her mother. Why me? What was it that God saw in me, and in us? To trust us with a life so special that in only thirty four weeks in my womb and five days gracing the earth with her presence changed minds and softened hearts. Adalynne was sent here to heal and to help. She instills hope into those who have no faith. She, all three pounds of her, was 100% pro-love. She helps me be a better wife and mother. Adalynne makes me realize what is truly important in life. I know that the decisions I make while I am here on earth will carry over, and one day I want to hold my baby girl again so I try to live each day with the grace of the holy spirit. There are some days I do much better than others.
For the first several months of Hamilton's life I would get so emotional every time I looked at him. I saw Adalynne every time I laid my eyes on his, and I thanked her. Had it not been for Adalynne, I truly believe in my heart Hamilton would not be here. He is such an amazing person. It is like he knows he was sent here to heal our hearts. He is so happy, easy going and simply wonderful. And now when I look at him my heart swells with love and I just smile!
This time of year brings more tears and makes me long for the daughter and the little sister we lost, but it also makes me realize what a gift we have been given. We have been given a gift in a daughter, a fighter, a sister and a miracle. I look to the sky, ask God to hold me tight and guide me through with the grace and dignity that will resonate with Harrison and Houston a message of love and faith.
The other ninety eight percent of me thinks we were and are so very blessed. I was chosen to be her mother. Why me? What was it that God saw in me, and in us? To trust us with a life so special that in only thirty four weeks in my womb and five days gracing the earth with her presence changed minds and softened hearts. Adalynne was sent here to heal and to help. She instills hope into those who have no faith. She, all three pounds of her, was 100% pro-love. She helps me be a better wife and mother. Adalynne makes me realize what is truly important in life. I know that the decisions I make while I am here on earth will carry over, and one day I want to hold my baby girl again so I try to live each day with the grace of the holy spirit. There are some days I do much better than others.
For the first several months of Hamilton's life I would get so emotional every time I looked at him. I saw Adalynne every time I laid my eyes on his, and I thanked her. Had it not been for Adalynne, I truly believe in my heart Hamilton would not be here. He is such an amazing person. It is like he knows he was sent here to heal our hearts. He is so happy, easy going and simply wonderful. And now when I look at him my heart swells with love and I just smile!
This time of year brings more tears and makes me long for the daughter and the little sister we lost, but it also makes me realize what a gift we have been given. We have been given a gift in a daughter, a fighter, a sister and a miracle. I look to the sky, ask God to hold me tight and guide me through with the grace and dignity that will resonate with Harrison and Houston a message of love and faith.
Monday, December 26, 2011
It's Almost that Time of Year
As I sit here watching your little brother feed himself, it makes me miss you so much. I know I have said this before, but Hamilton is not a cure, nor does he replace you; but he is a surgical pin to a once shattered heart. Sleep in heavenly peace baby girl, I miss you so!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Beyond My Years
Today marks a day that I will never forget. I was in the shower this morning looking at the road map motherhood has created, when I realized what today marked. Two years ago today, it was an ugly overcast Thursday, I learned our daughter had Trisomy 13. I had gained unwanted knowledge of this chromosomal abnormality, days before when we had learned it was a possibility she would have this death sentence. I can still see the doctor's blond hair and the pictures of her twins that adorned her office walls and desk ledges. That was one of the darkest moments of my life. My heart was torn out of my chest, and my life had been shattered with that ring tone. I find it hard to breathe when I think back of that moment. My life had forever changed, with those letters that made up the heartbreaking words, and I changed, the core of who I was shaken. I didn't have a choice, but to gracefully put the shattered pieces back together and try to make sense of this terminal diagnosis. Sometimes, like today, when I saw how gentle Harrison was with a little girl, I think Adalynne would be twenty months old if she were still here today. I don't let myself go there very often, because it makes me gut wrenchingly sad. Adalynne would not be twenty months old, even in a perfect world, that wasn't in our cards. She was meant to be in our arms for five days and in our hearts forever. Adalynne brought our family together. She made, and makes, me a better person. Because one day I want to see her again. I miss her little baby smell, it was creamy and warm. I miss her tiny bumpy head and dark brown hair. I miss how much she HATED having her diaper changed. I simply miss her. I don't miss the idea of having a little girl; I miss my Adalynne. Some days it feels like a life time ago that our lives were changed forever, and days like today it seems like it was moments ago.
I could be an angry person. I could think that my life has been so unfair. With every obstacle I have been faced with has made me grow, into a stronger and better person. I know things that I wouldn't had it not been for the obstacles I have had to over come. I know that things here on earth are fleeting. I know that the way we treat people of all sizes, shapes and ages is something we will carry with us forever. I know that the decisions we make here on earth carry over. I am not saying I am perfect, not in the least. But, with Adalynne I have gained tremendous insight; beyond my years. Adalynne taught me how to truly live in the image of God. I could not have gotten through this without my faith.
The day Adalynne died was a very long and exhausting day for everyone involved. She was such a little fighter, our mini Mohammad. We would think that she had passed, call the hospice nurse who would get to our house to call a "time." And, Adalynne would start breathing again and her heart would start beating faster again. She wanted to be here as much as we wanted her to be here. I knew that would be the day we would lose her when we got up in the morning, as a nurse. I remember when the first hospice nurse got here she told us, "you are not a nurse today, you are a mother." As a mother and as a nurse, my heart broke seeing my pink bundle of joy turn shades of blue and purple. Adalynne was in a coma on Ryan's chest, it was later in the evening. Ryan said to Adalynne, "before you go, give your dad a kiss." Adalynne got up on all fours, and kissed Ryan not once, but twice. That was a miracle that God gave us, we got to see his love and kindness in a kiss. I remember sitting, no not sitting hunched over like an animal, in a corner in Harrison and Houston's room. It was evening and there were not any lights on in their room. It was dark. I was between the wall and a red chair holding Adalynne. She was cold and wrapped up in several pink blankets. I had my stethoscope in my ears listening and counting. I only got to forty beats per minute, her heart was giving out as mine was breaking. I knew she was getting tired, so I handed her over to Ryan so she could pass on. See, a lot of the times when someone loves another with all their heart and soul it is hard for the loved one who is dying to do so. And, as soon as that person leaves their loved one, they pass on. I knew that I had to leave, because she was ready to move on and play with the angels and saints.
There is not a moment that goes by that I don't miss her. But, the lessons that little miracle baby taught me will carry on forever. I thank Adalynne for her little brother Hamilton. If it had not been for her and her trisomy 13 diagnosis he would not be here. He is amazing. I think I will take him to see Adalynne's grave tomorrow. We are due for a visit, it's been a while.
I could be an angry person. I could think that my life has been so unfair. With every obstacle I have been faced with has made me grow, into a stronger and better person. I know things that I wouldn't had it not been for the obstacles I have had to over come. I know that things here on earth are fleeting. I know that the way we treat people of all sizes, shapes and ages is something we will carry with us forever. I know that the decisions we make here on earth carry over. I am not saying I am perfect, not in the least. But, with Adalynne I have gained tremendous insight; beyond my years. Adalynne taught me how to truly live in the image of God. I could not have gotten through this without my faith.
The day Adalynne died was a very long and exhausting day for everyone involved. She was such a little fighter, our mini Mohammad. We would think that she had passed, call the hospice nurse who would get to our house to call a "time." And, Adalynne would start breathing again and her heart would start beating faster again. She wanted to be here as much as we wanted her to be here. I knew that would be the day we would lose her when we got up in the morning, as a nurse. I remember when the first hospice nurse got here she told us, "you are not a nurse today, you are a mother." As a mother and as a nurse, my heart broke seeing my pink bundle of joy turn shades of blue and purple. Adalynne was in a coma on Ryan's chest, it was later in the evening. Ryan said to Adalynne, "before you go, give your dad a kiss." Adalynne got up on all fours, and kissed Ryan not once, but twice. That was a miracle that God gave us, we got to see his love and kindness in a kiss. I remember sitting, no not sitting hunched over like an animal, in a corner in Harrison and Houston's room. It was evening and there were not any lights on in their room. It was dark. I was between the wall and a red chair holding Adalynne. She was cold and wrapped up in several pink blankets. I had my stethoscope in my ears listening and counting. I only got to forty beats per minute, her heart was giving out as mine was breaking. I knew she was getting tired, so I handed her over to Ryan so she could pass on. See, a lot of the times when someone loves another with all their heart and soul it is hard for the loved one who is dying to do so. And, as soon as that person leaves their loved one, they pass on. I knew that I had to leave, because she was ready to move on and play with the angels and saints.
There is not a moment that goes by that I don't miss her. But, the lessons that little miracle baby taught me will carry on forever. I thank Adalynne for her little brother Hamilton. If it had not been for her and her trisomy 13 diagnosis he would not be here. He is amazing. I think I will take him to see Adalynne's grave tomorrow. We are due for a visit, it's been a while.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
It's Been a While...
It is so funny. When Adalynne was with us, it is like the words flowed out like a babbling brook; but now it's a tremendous effort for me to sit down and write. Our lives have continued to truck on even without our little three pound miracle; but there is not a day or a moment that goes by that I don't think about her. When we found out that Hamilton was in fact a boy, I knew then that it is not in God's plan for me to have another little girl. It isn't that God doesn't want me to experience that mother daughter bond; but I know she would never measure up to Adalynne. How could she? With that said, it is not easy for me to admit this,but recently I found out that a friend of mine was having a girl, and I was devastated. Who was this jealous person, and where did this reaction come from? I remember calling my mom, who has been cancer free for ONE YEAR, bawling; uncontrollably. I told her how sorry I was for being crazy and crying to her like I was, but I had to get this strange reaction off of my chest before I called my friend to congratulate her. I am so blessed with our latest edition. Hamilton is absolutely amazing. It is like he knows that he is a miracle and here to help mend a broken heart and shattered dreams. He is the happiest kid I have had to date. He is never short on smiles. The older boys are as crazy in love with our chunker as I am. When I was pregnant with him, I just wanted him to get here. I wanted everything to be okay, but I knew that was not in my control. I became this shell of who I was. It was all I could do to go to work and be the mom the boys needed me to be, at the end of the day I had no more energy to be a good friend. It was all about me. I was so terrified something horrible was going to happen. It was all consuming. So when I went into preterm labor at thirty four weeks; I thought seriously?! Why does every celebration in my life have to be bitter sweet? There is something called "wimpy white boys syndrome", that medical professional have come up with. Although, it is not a real syndrome white boys do not do as well as other babies. I thought I was going to deliver Hamilton at only thirty four weeks, and that he would have to stay in the NICU. I was admitted to the hospital, where I stayed for five day. The little stinker ended up staying put, until I was induced. The labor process was amazing. I remember when he was born, we all squealed with delight and joy when he got here and made his first sound. I did not want him to leave my side, four months later I still feel the same way. We eat together, we sleep together, and he even comes to work with me. He has helped heal our family, although he is not a cure for a broken heart he is a band-aide. The first few weeks he was here, every time I looked at him I would cry. I would be overcome with emotion and the tears would fall. It was like it was the first time since becoming a mom I truly, fully appreciated the gift our children are, and how fleeting life could be. I know had it not been for Adalynne being sick, Hamilton would not be here. I can't imagine our lives without him. He is absolutely amazing. Have I already said that? Well, he is. It is like he knows that he was sent here to help heal a broken family, no pressure little guy, and radiates love and joy and happiness. When the big boys were babies I would always ask friends and family if they wanted to hold them. I would be so happy to see Ryan so I could pass on Harrison or Houston, needing a break. It is different with Hamilton. I don't know if it is because I am older and more mature, or if it is what we have been through, losing a child. With Hamilton, I do not ask people if they want to hold him; they have to ask me, because I don't want to give him up. It just doesn't enter my mind that someone might want to snuggle with handsome little man. When Ryan gets home, I am happy to hold Hammer Jammer, while making dinner, doing homework, or running baths. We are all in a good place. Life is good. Houston just started Kindergarten, I could have kept him home one more year, but he was ready. Harrison just celebrated his eighth birthday! Ryan's company is slowly growing, but he is happy. Me, I am truly blessed to be the mother to three wonderful boys, and an angel in heaven. Oh, we call Hamilton, Hammer Jammer because he rocks our world;)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Binkie Bliss
I was trying to get some work done today, when this little bundle of love wanted my attention. As he is nestled in my arms, looking up at me with those big beautiful blue eyes I tear up. I get so emotional looking at Hamilton. I tell him what a gift he is, he is my miracle baby. Ryan's aunt says that when she would wake up every few hours with her newborn, three decades ago, it was like Christmas morning every time she was woke. That is the only way I can explain it. Every couple of hours I get to wake up with Hamilton it is like Christmas morning, only better because it happens over and over again.
The last month of my pregnancy was eventful to say the least. I spent some time in the hospital, Hamilton wanted to make an appearance before he was finished growing. Thankfully, he waited until I was 38 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The labor, for the most part, was uneventful, except my epidural didn't take on the left side. Let me say to all you natural mom's out there, I love you and admire your bravery but you are crazy. I had to go to my "happy place" and in order to do so, I could not open my eyes. Deep breath in, deep breath out, remain calm, you can do this, and every time I opened my eyes it was too real. I would close them again and go back to my happy place, not fully excited about what was happening because what if...
After a few hours in labor he finally graced us with his presence all seven pounds and two ounces. Since I saw the purple lines on that test on August 29th I relaxed and opened my eyes; taking in everything around me. I took a real breath, and celebrated this miracle mine and my husband's love created.
I am such a different mom. When I would care for Harrison and Houston I would wake up, exhausted, feed them just getting in done. And now I drink in every single moment. Thank you Adaylnne! You keep on giving.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I Dreamed a Dream...
I have not written in a very long time. It is funny, when Adalynne was here I wanted to write and share her story; but, it is like that drive died with her. It isn't that I don't think about her or share our experience with anyone who will listen; it is just different. I don't smell her anymore and anything that held her smell has since lost it. I don't sit in our bedroom alone crying hysterically after the boys have been put to bed; rather the tears fall silently on the rare occasion or I get a lump in my throat that starts to hurt because I hold them back. I don't think it is the time that has helped me heal. It is in the time since she was here, and then gone that I was able to accept the fact that she will forever be in heaven. I have learned to live with a piece of my heart missing. I wish Hamilton could have met his amazingly wonderful big sister.
The time it ticking down until baby number 4's arrival. I am 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant due on Mother's Day!!! Harrison is on his spring break from 1st grade. Houston has been accepted into the same school his big brother goes to and will start in the fall. I cannot believe how old my baby boys are getting! I am still able to work three 12 hour shifts as a whale of a nurse. As I walk to patients' rooms I jokingly say, "waddle waddle". Ryan's company, MediaTree, continues to grow. My mom is cancer FREE!!! She has only one more surgery and we will be able to put the cancer behind us! And then comes Ham! We are so looking forward to making "Ham Sandwiches," his fat little self lying between me and Ryan. He is measuring big and it is getting tight. I have to sit with very good posture in order to breathe. Everything has checked out so far, but there is that little voice in the back of my mind that never sleeps. What if... it has happened before. Hamilton does not have a nursery, we have the essentials and that is it. I have not shared this very much, but I know the reason we have yet to have a shower or do anything out of the essential is that we have been down that road before and had everything ripped from under us. It was so painful after Adalynne was gone, going through her unused stuff trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. We kept everything she touched, wore or that was special for one reason or another. I remember right after she died I would pray every night asking God to please let her visit me in a dream, but it never happened. Well, earlier this week I had a dream about Adalynne. She was about 14 months old (where she would be if she were here today) and an adorable chunky muffin. There had been a flood. Dave Ramsey's house was not touched so we were on his couch watching the water down below and all the destruction. Then the attention turned to the prettiest girl in the whole universe. Some guy with blond hair was going on and on about Adalynne's cuteness, as I was changing her pink cardigan. And that was it... It seems so silly and so simple, but for me it was just enough.
The time it ticking down until baby number 4's arrival. I am 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant due on Mother's Day!!! Harrison is on his spring break from 1st grade. Houston has been accepted into the same school his big brother goes to and will start in the fall. I cannot believe how old my baby boys are getting! I am still able to work three 12 hour shifts as a whale of a nurse. As I walk to patients' rooms I jokingly say, "waddle waddle". Ryan's company, MediaTree, continues to grow. My mom is cancer FREE!!! She has only one more surgery and we will be able to put the cancer behind us! And then comes Ham! We are so looking forward to making "Ham Sandwiches," his fat little self lying between me and Ryan. He is measuring big and it is getting tight. I have to sit with very good posture in order to breathe. Everything has checked out so far, but there is that little voice in the back of my mind that never sleeps. What if... it has happened before. Hamilton does not have a nursery, we have the essentials and that is it. I have not shared this very much, but I know the reason we have yet to have a shower or do anything out of the essential is that we have been down that road before and had everything ripped from under us. It was so painful after Adalynne was gone, going through her unused stuff trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. We kept everything she touched, wore or that was special for one reason or another. I remember right after she died I would pray every night asking God to please let her visit me in a dream, but it never happened. Well, earlier this week I had a dream about Adalynne. She was about 14 months old (where she would be if she were here today) and an adorable chunky muffin. There had been a flood. Dave Ramsey's house was not touched so we were on his couch watching the water down below and all the destruction. Then the attention turned to the prettiest girl in the whole universe. Some guy with blond hair was going on and on about Adalynne's cuteness, as I was changing her pink cardigan. And that was it... It seems so silly and so simple, but for me it was just enough.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Healing Powers
August 29th is Harrison's birthday. This year he turned 7! It was on a Sunday this year. Harrison woke to a house full of balloons on the ground and 7's in every color of construction paper taped to EVERYTHING; he got to pick out what time we went to mass; where we went out to eat afterwards, and what we were going to do for the day. I love birthdays. They were such a big deal in my family when I was a child. It was a day that my parents made us feel so important and special. It is a tradition I have enjoyed passing along to my children. The night before Ryan and I left an engagement party early so I could transform the house. During the transformation, I could not help but think a year earlier, I was doing this only with Adalynne on board. She was here last year for Harrison's birthday; and this year she is gone. I prayed so hard for strength. God, please let this day be about Harrison; please give me the strength to celebrate his life and not miss hers.
My big guy woke up early and said, "he felt like he was seven." Oh, he is such a doll. He was in amazement at the balloons, streamers draped on anything that was suitable to hold a streamer, and paper 7's on EVERYTHING. He felt special; goal achieved. Harrison wanted to go the the 9:00 mass because they have donuts. Afterwards he wanted to go to "IHOCK". He calls IHOP "IHOCK" no matter how many times Ryan and I tell him it is called IHOP; too cute. I was on autopilot. I could not help but think that the last birthday I celebrated, of a child of mine, was Adalynne's. Harrison opened his gifts as soon as he woke up. A DS lite and some games. He said he wanted a DSI, so he would ask Santa for one for Christmas. I told Harrison, if he can keep up the the DS lite for a year he can upgrade; losing it a week later and then finding at the beginning of October. We never thought to look under the couch in the front room. The boys never go in there; but there it was.
Harrison was having a wonderful birthday. We even went by his Nina's to play. On our way home we stopped by Publix to get stuff to make Harrison's birthday dinner. He wanted me to make red sauce with meatballs and spaghetti; Caesar salad; and french bread. He loves mom's red sauce. Ryan and I split the list to make this as quick as possible with both boys in tow. Oh, and the yellow cake with chocolate frosting and candles; we almost forgot the most important part!
I passed by the pregnancy tests, and thought I have taken at least 20 of these this month. I will take one more and then just let go. The ones the day before were kind of positive. Yes, I said ones; so they were inconclusive. We will have another baby when the time is right. When we were checking out, Ryan asked me how many tests I had taken this month. I told him too many. I was embarrassed. Ryan said something about me needing to get help because I was crazy for taking so many test and I should call someone. He was half kidding, and I laughed it off in embarrassment. I knew my test taking was out of control, but it was Harrison's birthday and it was not the time nor the place to have this conversation with Ryan.
Once we go home I started Harrison's birthday dinner. But before I started his dinner there was one task I had to complete; a test with no pass or fail. With Ryan downstairs and the boys playing an intense Wii football game; I made my way to the boy's bathroom. I took it. I waited three minutes. And, there it was one very pink line and a second very light pink line. Oh my goodness!! Oh my gosh!! We are pregnant I thought! Of all days to find out! Our three months of trying had finally created another gift! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRISON, I thought!! What a day of celebration. I screamed for Ryan to come quick. He came to the boys' bathroom and I showed him the test, like I was a proud student with my first A+. I passed! I passed! I mean it's positive!! It's positive!! "Ryan we are pregnant," I said. He looks at the test once and says it's not definitively positive. He waits a minutes, looks at it again and says okay it is positive. I throw my arms around his neck, collapsing into his chest and start sobbing. I look up at him and say through my joyous tears, "do you know the healing powers this baby will bring to our family? It is like God knows I was struggling with not having Adalynne here with us today to celebrate her wonderful big brother; and he blessed us with this gift another life to celebrate." The rest of Harrison's birthday went off without a hitch. He even got a card from his little sister Adalynne; which made him smile sadly. He blew out his candles seventeen times. Ryan had convinced Harrison that he was magic. He must be a wizard and that is why the candles kept relighting. We did not tell Harrison they were trick candles. It was a magical night.
My big guy woke up early and said, "he felt like he was seven." Oh, he is such a doll. He was in amazement at the balloons, streamers draped on anything that was suitable to hold a streamer, and paper 7's on EVERYTHING. He felt special; goal achieved. Harrison wanted to go the the 9:00 mass because they have donuts. Afterwards he wanted to go to "IHOCK". He calls IHOP "IHOCK" no matter how many times Ryan and I tell him it is called IHOP; too cute. I was on autopilot. I could not help but think that the last birthday I celebrated, of a child of mine, was Adalynne's. Harrison opened his gifts as soon as he woke up. A DS lite and some games. He said he wanted a DSI, so he would ask Santa for one for Christmas. I told Harrison, if he can keep up the the DS lite for a year he can upgrade; losing it a week later and then finding at the beginning of October. We never thought to look under the couch in the front room. The boys never go in there; but there it was.
Harrison was having a wonderful birthday. We even went by his Nina's to play. On our way home we stopped by Publix to get stuff to make Harrison's birthday dinner. He wanted me to make red sauce with meatballs and spaghetti; Caesar salad; and french bread. He loves mom's red sauce. Ryan and I split the list to make this as quick as possible with both boys in tow. Oh, and the yellow cake with chocolate frosting and candles; we almost forgot the most important part!
I passed by the pregnancy tests, and thought I have taken at least 20 of these this month. I will take one more and then just let go. The ones the day before were kind of positive. Yes, I said ones; so they were inconclusive. We will have another baby when the time is right. When we were checking out, Ryan asked me how many tests I had taken this month. I told him too many. I was embarrassed. Ryan said something about me needing to get help because I was crazy for taking so many test and I should call someone. He was half kidding, and I laughed it off in embarrassment. I knew my test taking was out of control, but it was Harrison's birthday and it was not the time nor the place to have this conversation with Ryan.
Once we go home I started Harrison's birthday dinner. But before I started his dinner there was one task I had to complete; a test with no pass or fail. With Ryan downstairs and the boys playing an intense Wii football game; I made my way to the boy's bathroom. I took it. I waited three minutes. And, there it was one very pink line and a second very light pink line. Oh my goodness!! Oh my gosh!! We are pregnant I thought! Of all days to find out! Our three months of trying had finally created another gift! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRISON, I thought!! What a day of celebration. I screamed for Ryan to come quick. He came to the boys' bathroom and I showed him the test, like I was a proud student with my first A+. I passed! I passed! I mean it's positive!! It's positive!! "Ryan we are pregnant," I said. He looks at the test once and says it's not definitively positive. He waits a minutes, looks at it again and says okay it is positive. I throw my arms around his neck, collapsing into his chest and start sobbing. I look up at him and say through my joyous tears, "do you know the healing powers this baby will bring to our family? It is like God knows I was struggling with not having Adalynne here with us today to celebrate her wonderful big brother; and he blessed us with this gift another life to celebrate." The rest of Harrison's birthday went off without a hitch. He even got a card from his little sister Adalynne; which made him smile sadly. He blew out his candles seventeen times. Ryan had convinced Harrison that he was magic. He must be a wizard and that is why the candles kept relighting. We did not tell Harrison they were trick candles. It was a magical night.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Save Second Base
Cancer Sucks is a hat I used to wear all the time. It was a heather green hat that said, "Cancer Sucks," on the front of it. When I was in marketing/event planning we did the inaugural fundraising event, probono, for a foundation called Ivan and Sam. The foundation was on the basis of teaching and talking to kids who are fighting cancer. It was a success and we raised a few thousand dollars. I know one question I want to ask God when I get to meet him is, "why do kids get sick?" Ryan and I were dealt the hand of cards, that cancer might touch a person very near and dear to my heart. We were in our kitchen and I remember asking him, "do you think it is harder to lose a child or as a child to lose a parent?" We both agreed that adults have the mental maturity to deal with losing a child, while a child who loses a parent, if not in the right circumstances, stays lost. It just so happens that that is the hand we have to play; cancer sucks. The diagnosis came just minutes ago. This person has been the one constant since I was born. The only person who has never left my side, the reason I am the person I am today. Absolutely amazing.
My "parents" did not get married until the summer before third grade, and that is when my childhood started. We had a family. A father who was committed, who would not turn his back on his family and just walk out one day and not return; blood related or not. A mother who was committed, just as much as she had always been, and gaining a couple of kids in the process of saying I DO to a man who truly loved her. We were a family. There was not "step-this or step-that". From the day my parents said, "I do," I had the most perfect childhood. My parents raised all four of us with our feet on the ground, strong moral values and the tools needed to lead an independent life. I hope I am half of the parent to my children that they were; and are to me.
I never saw the loss of Adalynne on my radar, but I am more blindsided by this diagnosis. I really and truly thought with everything our family has been through this last year we would "catch a break." This is not the first time cancer has touched my family. Years ago, before I was born, I had a cousin who was given the diagnosis of cancer. She fought, her parents fought, my family fought, everyone did, with all their might, but they did not win and at four years old she lost her battle. The aunt whose daughter this was, we have always had this really tight connection. Everyone says that I am my aunt made over. Even though she is so petite that I tower over her, we look a lot alike. I don't know if this connection we have always felt was in some way a preparation for what was to come in me losing a child or what. But, in the first several weeks and months after Adalynne left this world my aunt was there like no one could be. I was walking the same familiar path she had so many years earlier. I could call her with crazy questions or thoughts, and she knew exactly where I was coming from. I remember one call in particular. I was having a rough time, in regards to feeling so sad and crying all the time, and she told me, " I am so sorry baby, but this is just something you have to do it's part of it." it was not something I had wanted to hear, but I knew deep down she was right.
Cancer sucks, losing a child sucks, the unknown sucks. And I am truly scared. With Adalynne the odds were in our favor; at first. The chances of her actually having what she had were so slim... The odds are in our favor with this cancer diagnosis, but "odds" don't like me or my family. I always thought the shirt or bumper sticker that said, "Save the TA TA's" was so crude and vulgar; but you know what...let's save them; better yet let's save second base. No, I am not that creative, I saw that on a shirt too. If I shave my head and get one of those vulgar sayings tattooed on it, to make us have a good outcome ,I will. Goodness life is so full of ups and downs. I am so grateful I have an amazing family who I can lean on, and who can lean on me in our times of the unknown. For what I do know is that I am headed to Arizona the first week or second week in August. I want to be there for my mom's surgery. Hold her hand tight and her head up in this challenging time, just like she has always held mine.
My "parents" did not get married until the summer before third grade, and that is when my childhood started. We had a family. A father who was committed, who would not turn his back on his family and just walk out one day and not return; blood related or not. A mother who was committed, just as much as she had always been, and gaining a couple of kids in the process of saying I DO to a man who truly loved her. We were a family. There was not "step-this or step-that". From the day my parents said, "I do," I had the most perfect childhood. My parents raised all four of us with our feet on the ground, strong moral values and the tools needed to lead an independent life. I hope I am half of the parent to my children that they were; and are to me.
I never saw the loss of Adalynne on my radar, but I am more blindsided by this diagnosis. I really and truly thought with everything our family has been through this last year we would "catch a break." This is not the first time cancer has touched my family. Years ago, before I was born, I had a cousin who was given the diagnosis of cancer. She fought, her parents fought, my family fought, everyone did, with all their might, but they did not win and at four years old she lost her battle. The aunt whose daughter this was, we have always had this really tight connection. Everyone says that I am my aunt made over. Even though she is so petite that I tower over her, we look a lot alike. I don't know if this connection we have always felt was in some way a preparation for what was to come in me losing a child or what. But, in the first several weeks and months after Adalynne left this world my aunt was there like no one could be. I was walking the same familiar path she had so many years earlier. I could call her with crazy questions or thoughts, and she knew exactly where I was coming from. I remember one call in particular. I was having a rough time, in regards to feeling so sad and crying all the time, and she told me, " I am so sorry baby, but this is just something you have to do it's part of it." it was not something I had wanted to hear, but I knew deep down she was right.
Cancer sucks, losing a child sucks, the unknown sucks. And I am truly scared. With Adalynne the odds were in our favor; at first. The chances of her actually having what she had were so slim... The odds are in our favor with this cancer diagnosis, but "odds" don't like me or my family. I always thought the shirt or bumper sticker that said, "Save the TA TA's" was so crude and vulgar; but you know what...let's save them; better yet let's save second base. No, I am not that creative, I saw that on a shirt too. If I shave my head and get one of those vulgar sayings tattooed on it, to make us have a good outcome ,I will. Goodness life is so full of ups and downs. I am so grateful I have an amazing family who I can lean on, and who can lean on me in our times of the unknown. For what I do know is that I am headed to Arizona the first week or second week in August. I want to be there for my mom's surgery. Hold her hand tight and her head up in this challenging time, just like she has always held mine.
Crazy Chloe!!!!
Wow! Time goes by so fast. The older I get, yes my whole 26 years, the quicker it seems to go by. I have walked through a lifetime of experiences both good and heart wrenching. When I admit my age most people are shocked. I am a very wise 26 year old, I know. Harrison is about to start the first grade at St. Henry and Houston is about to start Pre K. Houston's Pre K program is the same one Harrison went through, and by the time Harrison "graduated" he knew every president who called the White House home, every state in American and could read; a little. To say I am excited for Houston is an understatement. Ms. Nancy is their teacher and she is one of the best I have ever known. Harrison starts first grade in a couple of weeks. Today I got his "back to school" supplies. In the directions it asked that I label every crayon, colored pencil, etc. I DID IT!!! 24 crayons, 12 colored pencils, two dry erase markers, two yellow highlighters, three glue sticks, Fiskars brand scissors, 3 #2 pencils, 3 lead pencils, two PINK erasers later I am finished. Who is counting? Thank goodness for label makers.
Chloe, our Jack Russell mix, got hit by a car on Sunday. She is great with the kids, but she is so crazy. She escapes and when she does, which is more than I would like to admit, she runs so fast. As I am running after her, she runs faster. She got out on Friday night too. Harrison was walking her out front and she Houdini it out of her harness and took off. I am running in a blue summer dress and gladiator sandals down the railway tracks after a dog who has no intention of being caught. Out of breath, frustrated, sweating and hobbling back in broken sandals I had no Chloe. So, Ryan propped open our back gate into our courtyard in hopes she would come back. The spring by the way, was installed because little Miss Chloe likes to get out when the kids are coming and going. They are kids, so the farthest thing from their minds when they are playing at one another's house it accidental letting the dog out. No biggie, no intentions; what so ever. Guess who makes it back to our house unscathed, but dirtier than all get out; Chloe. Sunday the crazy canine was not as lucky. Because our area was hit so hard by the flood we still have police who "man" our neighborhood. Ryan got a phone call on Sunday afternoon, ten minutes after the amazing scape artist got out. Once Ryan had arrived to pick Chloe up, the Sergent told Ryan that Chloe had been hit by a car. She was a little bloody, black, and limping. We loaded up the kids in the car and headed to the emergency after hours place for animals. Five hundred dollars, injections of pain meds and an antiinflammatory, x-rays later we left with Chloe who had suffered road rash and a broken pelvis. Monday morning I took Chloe into our new vet and $200 later we have started her on Prozac (Elavil for you pharmacology buffs) in hopes she would take to her prescribed cage rest and not run off once she is better. Oh, yea the crate. Chloe has issues with her crate. SHE HATES IT. It is the plastic, thick plastic, Pet Porter brand. Chloe has scratched a hole in her crate about 6 inches long 3 inches wide. We have put her in it at night before bed on one side of the living room, and the next morning she is halfway across the room with a trail of drops of blood. The only reason she did not make it further across the room is because our couch stopped her. CRAZY, PSYCHO, I know. But, Harrison is so in love with her...
I have now been at my new job about two months and I am loving it. High risk OB is something, thanks to Adalynne, I can make a difference. Ryan has made the jump, he started his own company just a couple of days ago. Media Tree, www.mediatreeadvertising.com, CHECK IT OUT. I am so proud of him. All I want is for him to find joy in what he does. I know he will do great things. He is such an amazing stand up guy with strong ethics, and character. Character and ethics are something the line of business he is in needs.
Chloe, our Jack Russell mix, got hit by a car on Sunday. She is great with the kids, but she is so crazy. She escapes and when she does, which is more than I would like to admit, she runs so fast. As I am running after her, she runs faster. She got out on Friday night too. Harrison was walking her out front and she Houdini it out of her harness and took off. I am running in a blue summer dress and gladiator sandals down the railway tracks after a dog who has no intention of being caught. Out of breath, frustrated, sweating and hobbling back in broken sandals I had no Chloe. So, Ryan propped open our back gate into our courtyard in hopes she would come back. The spring by the way, was installed because little Miss Chloe likes to get out when the kids are coming and going. They are kids, so the farthest thing from their minds when they are playing at one another's house it accidental letting the dog out. No biggie, no intentions; what so ever. Guess who makes it back to our house unscathed, but dirtier than all get out; Chloe. Sunday the crazy canine was not as lucky. Because our area was hit so hard by the flood we still have police who "man" our neighborhood. Ryan got a phone call on Sunday afternoon, ten minutes after the amazing scape artist got out. Once Ryan had arrived to pick Chloe up, the Sergent told Ryan that Chloe had been hit by a car. She was a little bloody, black, and limping. We loaded up the kids in the car and headed to the emergency after hours place for animals. Five hundred dollars, injections of pain meds and an antiinflammatory, x-rays later we left with Chloe who had suffered road rash and a broken pelvis. Monday morning I took Chloe into our new vet and $200 later we have started her on Prozac (Elavil for you pharmacology buffs) in hopes she would take to her prescribed cage rest and not run off once she is better. Oh, yea the crate. Chloe has issues with her crate. SHE HATES IT. It is the plastic, thick plastic, Pet Porter brand. Chloe has scratched a hole in her crate about 6 inches long 3 inches wide. We have put her in it at night before bed on one side of the living room, and the next morning she is halfway across the room with a trail of drops of blood. The only reason she did not make it further across the room is because our couch stopped her. CRAZY, PSYCHO, I know. But, Harrison is so in love with her...
I have now been at my new job about two months and I am loving it. High risk OB is something, thanks to Adalynne, I can make a difference. Ryan has made the jump, he started his own company just a couple of days ago. Media Tree, www.mediatreeadvertising.com, CHECK IT OUT. I am so proud of him. All I want is for him to find joy in what he does. I know he will do great things. He is such an amazing stand up guy with strong ethics, and character. Character and ethics are something the line of business he is in needs.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Warm Cookies, Cold Milk and Hope
Life has been going on. Time is flying by and the boys are getting older. Harrison just finished kindergarten!!! Houston just moved up to the PreK class at his school. I just started my dream job as an OB nurse and I am loving it. I was approached today at an event for Harrison, when I was asked if I still blog. I don't, not like I used to. I don't want to sound like I am whining or a "Debbie Downer." Life is what you make of it, and I am trying my best to make it wonderful. Ryan has taken losing Adalynne so hard. He is not who he used to be, and I hope with time he can heal. It is torture to sit back and watch. I am helpless. I can't mend his shattered heart. My mom came in just before Mother's Day. We spent the entire week together, but I wasn't myself. I was in a state of fog the entire week she was here. I was distant and guarded. Harrison was home almost the entire week from school due to strep throat that would not go away (a month and two antibiotics later it is finally gone). It started raining. The rain would not let up, and it rose and rose and rose; until our neighborhood was under water. I thought it was symbolic of where our young family was in our journey. Some of the members in our family are drowning in their sorrow. Our neighborhood took a huge hit, but thankfully our house was spared. My mom left the next Tuesday; before Mother's Day.
The next weekend was Mother's Day. I woke up ready to go to church. One foot in front of the other... No breakfast in bed like I have dreamed of the last six Mother's Days; but it was still a day I got to celebrate because of my wonderful children. Ryan and I have never given gifts for anything, that is until recently. For my birthday this year he got me this beautiful necklace from Anatra Jewel with an "A" on it. I saw it on their commercial and told him I wanted it, and never thought about it again. I did not think he would actually get it for me, nor did I think he was even listening to me. We were in the car on the way to church and I was already fighting the tears back. God, help me through this day. Ryan asked me if I wanted to open my gift from the boys. I didn't, but I did because I did not want to hurt his feelings. When I opened the small white box I saw a silver bracelet with three charms on it; one was silver with blue beads, the next one was silver with pink stones and the third was silver with blue stones. He said that the charms represented our three kids. I wanted to break the bracelet in half and throw it at him. I didn't want a bracelet. I wanted my kids, all three of them for Mother's Day. The tears started to fall. I wanted to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and cry without stopping or regard as to who would hear me. I wanted to scream, "WHY?!" Church was torture. It seemed that all I saw were family with three kids; two older boys and a little girl. Maybe, because that is what I was looking for subconsciously. I remember the deacon wishing the mothers a happy mother's day, he even mentioned something to the effect of, "even those mothers who have lost a child." Not only had I lost a child, but at that point I lost my composure as well. The tears started and didn't stop. After church we went to visit Adalynne's grave. How unfair, I thought, I have to visit my child at her grave on mother's day. It was the hardest day, even harder than the day we laid her in the ground. It made flashbacks of her last day with us so vivid and so real it was hard to breath. Adalynne did not want to leave us, and her last day here on earth was very long and very tiring. She tried so hard to hold on for us, but her heart would not let her. It simply gave out. If only her body was as strong as her spirit. I saw things and experienced things on her last day that no mother should ever have to witness, but at least I could still hold her; even if her heart wasn't beating. I could still kiss her and thank her for being mine. And then, I changed. I am not the person I was, but I try everyday to find her. Some days it is a struggle, and other days I don't find her at all. I know there is not magic number or amount of time that my heart will heal, but as the time goes on I think I am doing really well; until I have a day like I did on mother's day. I move forward and I regress. I know life is a long road and some parts are a bumpier incline than others, and some days you coast. It is the incline that makes me realize how amazing it is to coast. I am just waiting for the next downhill where I can coast with the windows down and sun shining warmly on my face. But, until then I make an effort to see the beauty in each day. Today's effort made me realize how chocolate chip cookies can make life so much more sweeter. I made the police, who have camped out in front of neighborhood due to the looters, chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies. The first time I made them cookies I burned them a little, but today they were perfect and gooey. I let the boys have one each, and then one turned into the entire batch and even some of the oatmeal raisin cookies. The police can wait. I saw true beauty in their enjoyment of warm cookies and cold milk. The chocolate covered mouths and fingers were sweet, and I saw a glimpse of her. I found beauty in something as simple as a child's enjoyment of a cookie, and it felt vaguely familiar.
The next weekend was Mother's Day. I woke up ready to go to church. One foot in front of the other... No breakfast in bed like I have dreamed of the last six Mother's Days; but it was still a day I got to celebrate because of my wonderful children. Ryan and I have never given gifts for anything, that is until recently. For my birthday this year he got me this beautiful necklace from Anatra Jewel with an "A" on it. I saw it on their commercial and told him I wanted it, and never thought about it again. I did not think he would actually get it for me, nor did I think he was even listening to me. We were in the car on the way to church and I was already fighting the tears back. God, help me through this day. Ryan asked me if I wanted to open my gift from the boys. I didn't, but I did because I did not want to hurt his feelings. When I opened the small white box I saw a silver bracelet with three charms on it; one was silver with blue beads, the next one was silver with pink stones and the third was silver with blue stones. He said that the charms represented our three kids. I wanted to break the bracelet in half and throw it at him. I didn't want a bracelet. I wanted my kids, all three of them for Mother's Day. The tears started to fall. I wanted to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and cry without stopping or regard as to who would hear me. I wanted to scream, "WHY?!" Church was torture. It seemed that all I saw were family with three kids; two older boys and a little girl. Maybe, because that is what I was looking for subconsciously. I remember the deacon wishing the mothers a happy mother's day, he even mentioned something to the effect of, "even those mothers who have lost a child." Not only had I lost a child, but at that point I lost my composure as well. The tears started and didn't stop. After church we went to visit Adalynne's grave. How unfair, I thought, I have to visit my child at her grave on mother's day. It was the hardest day, even harder than the day we laid her in the ground. It made flashbacks of her last day with us so vivid and so real it was hard to breath. Adalynne did not want to leave us, and her last day here on earth was very long and very tiring. She tried so hard to hold on for us, but her heart would not let her. It simply gave out. If only her body was as strong as her spirit. I saw things and experienced things on her last day that no mother should ever have to witness, but at least I could still hold her; even if her heart wasn't beating. I could still kiss her and thank her for being mine. And then, I changed. I am not the person I was, but I try everyday to find her. Some days it is a struggle, and other days I don't find her at all. I know there is not magic number or amount of time that my heart will heal, but as the time goes on I think I am doing really well; until I have a day like I did on mother's day. I move forward and I regress. I know life is a long road and some parts are a bumpier incline than others, and some days you coast. It is the incline that makes me realize how amazing it is to coast. I am just waiting for the next downhill where I can coast with the windows down and sun shining warmly on my face. But, until then I make an effort to see the beauty in each day. Today's effort made me realize how chocolate chip cookies can make life so much more sweeter. I made the police, who have camped out in front of neighborhood due to the looters, chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies. The first time I made them cookies I burned them a little, but today they were perfect and gooey. I let the boys have one each, and then one turned into the entire batch and even some of the oatmeal raisin cookies. The police can wait. I saw true beauty in their enjoyment of warm cookies and cold milk. The chocolate covered mouths and fingers were sweet, and I saw a glimpse of her. I found beauty in something as simple as a child's enjoyment of a cookie, and it felt vaguely familiar.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tis better...
I was watching Oprah a week or so ago, and there was one of my favorite comedians on her show, Steve Carell. There came a point in the show that he was able to ask her [Oprah] questions and he asked her, "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I love him and his silliness. He and Will Ferrell are my top two favorite actors. They are so free and careless in their representations of the characters they perform. I love innocence and I love to laugh. I know Mr. Carell was only joking when he asked Ms. Winfrey the question; but it got me thinking... Who said that? Do I feel the same way?
A poet from the 1800's said that; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," his name was Alfred Lord Tennyson. I pondered his question and his line of thinking for a while before I could answer his rhetorical question. Of course, my answer was based on my princess Adalynne...
In some respects, of course it is better to have loved. Adalynne's short SHORT life taught me so many things about love, about true love, and God. I have, since an adult with children, lived life day to day as a blessing from God. Ryan would get perturbed about the mundane things associated with life, and I would always remind him, " Ryan, we are so blessed. We have our health. Our children have their health. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and we never go to bed hungry." I don't know if it was the fire that made me so appreciative of the life we had created with our children; or the fact that as a student nurse, I saw first time parents who had children that were not promised tomorrow. But, I knew that no matter what life had to throw at us it was only temporary, and it was in dealing with each situation that would reveal our true character and whether or not our lives would exist beyond this world or not. I was so strong in our faith; that everything here on earth was temporary, and the decisions that we made, based on the obstacles life dealt us would carry on; past this life on earth.
I knew that I loved and wanted Adalynne as much as I loved and wanted two boys who call me mom. I knew, and have known since I was a child, that I have always wanted a little girl to spoil. I knew the reason God had not given us a little girl before Adalynne was because He knew I would have bankrupted us; in hair bows, stockings, dresses, and HATS!!! Ryan and I were at a point, financially, that we could afford a little girl when Adalynne graced us with her presence.
I thought about Alfred's quote a lot before I came to my own opinion. Alfred was actually my grandfather's middle name; take of that what you will...Is it better to have loved... Adalynne brought me so much happiness and I am so honored and blessed to have been chosen, by God, to be her mother. But, in the very next sentance, I have never been so hurt and felt a loss that cut me to my core. Why did God give me Adalynne? That is a question I will ask Him when I get to meet him. I truly believe God revealed Himself to me in Adalynne. I will not go into detail; but I witnessed miracles while she was here on earth that I would have not witnessed if I had not loved her. But, are the miracles, yes I say miracles, I[we]witnessed while she was here on earth worth losing someone we so very much loved? Where would I be today, if she had never been here? I don't know. But, what I do know is this; I know God gave me Harrison. Harrison graced my presence when I wasn't "ready" to be a mom. Harrison has blessed my life in ways. I could not imagine life without him. He is a sweet sweet soul and my little scientist. God graced me with Houston. Houston was Ryan's graduation gift from college; even though he is a momma's boy through and through. And, Adalynne, God blessed us with an amazing Adalynne. She was my graduation gift. I thought the reason God waited until I was finished with nursing school to give us a little girl was because He knew how much I would spend on making her FABULOUS!!
I think and rack my brain. Is it? Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?... I know that the loss of our Adalynne has been devastating; the worst thing I have EVER gone through in my life; but, I would not have wished I had not loved her and not lost; as opposed to never loving her and never losing her. Again, losing a child is the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. And, I have gone through a lot as a child, and I thought the person I had become, due to my childhood experiences, was God's blessing. I never thought, on top of everything I had overcome as a child, I would lose a child; but due to my life[young and younger] has made me the person I am today. Yes, of course, I wish Adalynne was here; but it is because of her and everything about her that has made me the person I am today. It is life experiences that make us who we are. We can either grow or wither up and become bitter, angry people. All I want to do is grow as a person, as a result of the hurdles I have had to jump. I think about Adalynne everyday. I wish and pray everyday that she graces me with her presence in my dreams; but, that has yet to happen...
A poet from the 1800's said that; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," his name was Alfred Lord Tennyson. I pondered his question and his line of thinking for a while before I could answer his rhetorical question. Of course, my answer was based on my princess Adalynne...
In some respects, of course it is better to have loved. Adalynne's short SHORT life taught me so many things about love, about true love, and God. I have, since an adult with children, lived life day to day as a blessing from God. Ryan would get perturbed about the mundane things associated with life, and I would always remind him, " Ryan, we are so blessed. We have our health. Our children have their health. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and we never go to bed hungry." I don't know if it was the fire that made me so appreciative of the life we had created with our children; or the fact that as a student nurse, I saw first time parents who had children that were not promised tomorrow. But, I knew that no matter what life had to throw at us it was only temporary, and it was in dealing with each situation that would reveal our true character and whether or not our lives would exist beyond this world or not. I was so strong in our faith; that everything here on earth was temporary, and the decisions that we made, based on the obstacles life dealt us would carry on; past this life on earth.
I knew that I loved and wanted Adalynne as much as I loved and wanted two boys who call me mom. I knew, and have known since I was a child, that I have always wanted a little girl to spoil. I knew the reason God had not given us a little girl before Adalynne was because He knew I would have bankrupted us; in hair bows, stockings, dresses, and HATS!!! Ryan and I were at a point, financially, that we could afford a little girl when Adalynne graced us with her presence.
I thought about Alfred's quote a lot before I came to my own opinion. Alfred was actually my grandfather's middle name; take of that what you will...Is it better to have loved... Adalynne brought me so much happiness and I am so honored and blessed to have been chosen, by God, to be her mother. But, in the very next sentance, I have never been so hurt and felt a loss that cut me to my core. Why did God give me Adalynne? That is a question I will ask Him when I get to meet him. I truly believe God revealed Himself to me in Adalynne. I will not go into detail; but I witnessed miracles while she was here on earth that I would have not witnessed if I had not loved her. But, are the miracles, yes I say miracles, I[we]witnessed while she was here on earth worth losing someone we so very much loved? Where would I be today, if she had never been here? I don't know. But, what I do know is this; I know God gave me Harrison. Harrison graced my presence when I wasn't "ready" to be a mom. Harrison has blessed my life in ways. I could not imagine life without him. He is a sweet sweet soul and my little scientist. God graced me with Houston. Houston was Ryan's graduation gift from college; even though he is a momma's boy through and through. And, Adalynne, God blessed us with an amazing Adalynne. She was my graduation gift. I thought the reason God waited until I was finished with nursing school to give us a little girl was because He knew how much I would spend on making her FABULOUS!!
I think and rack my brain. Is it? Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?... I know that the loss of our Adalynne has been devastating; the worst thing I have EVER gone through in my life; but, I would not have wished I had not loved her and not lost; as opposed to never loving her and never losing her. Again, losing a child is the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. And, I have gone through a lot as a child, and I thought the person I had become, due to my childhood experiences, was God's blessing. I never thought, on top of everything I had overcome as a child, I would lose a child; but due to my life[young and younger] has made me the person I am today. Yes, of course, I wish Adalynne was here; but it is because of her and everything about her that has made me the person I am today. It is life experiences that make us who we are. We can either grow or wither up and become bitter, angry people. All I want to do is grow as a person, as a result of the hurdles I have had to jump. I think about Adalynne everyday. I wish and pray everyday that she graces me with her presence in my dreams; but, that has yet to happen...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Our Disney Cruise
Adalynne, my sweet Adalynne Dior. I tried, I really did try, but there was something, someone, missing every step of the way; and it was you. Nina, for Christmas got us a gift an amazing gift, in hopes to help ease the loss of your departure. It was great, but...
At the "Sailaway Celebration" I found myself crying, tearing up at the innocent faces around me celebrating the true joy that these wonderful Disney characters create. I know from the outside looking in, I looked like some psychotic adult fan, but the tears were from me missing you. Even immersed in the pure joy happy children create, it wasn't complete...but I put on a strong front for that day and the ones to follow. But, I couldn't help but feel a tug on my heart seeing all of the little girls dressed as her favorite princess character.
Harrison and I were on the elevator and a family came on, just like ours but opposite; two older girls and chubber-wubber baby boy. He was so adorable, pinchable and absolutely perfect. As they were joining Harrison and me on the elevator, the dad tried to admire the cutest baby boy; when the mom said, "no he is my baby boy," bringing him to the nape of her neck; kidding of course. My God, was I jealous, but I know He understood. Harrison looked at the family and said, "He sure is a cute baby. I had a baby sister, but she died. She lived for five days." I stood there silent, what do you say to that?... The young girls were terrified by his honesty and their youth; their precious youth was tainted by Harrison's honesty. The dad looked at Harrison as we got off the elevator and said earnestly, "have a wonderful day buddy." We did. That was the day we got face-to-face with the dolphin named Hercules. We got to hug him, kiss him, and even rub his tummy. Atlantis was amazing. We had a great time. That was my favorite part of the trip; swimming with dolphins.
Even though, there was absolutely a piece of me missing, I trampled on and tried to have wonderful time. Adalynne came up in our conversations at least once a day. Even though wonderful time and all, I was always on the verge of tears. I was "okay" able to hold it together, that is until the last day. We were in the gift shop getting things for one another and family, when I wondered off from the boys and was surrounded by princesses. I was fingering a green and white seersucker dress when the tears began to fall. I had made it past the red with white polka dotted velour jump suit, the red and white polka dotted flip flops with bows on the toes, and every little girl dressed as a princess; but this, this did it. Maybe because it was next to the sippie cups, bottles and bibs. I knelt down, embarrassed by my outburst of emotions, when I was face-to-face with Cinderella's glass slippers ones small enough to fit on the tiniest Cinderella fan. I watched Cinderella once a day as a little girl. Everything that I once imagined to be a part of Adalynne's childhood was looking at me, almost like it had survived years upon years of little girls...and she had not. It took me a while to recompose myself before I could face the rest of my party; but, that is what I did the rest of the twenty four hours ahead of us in the trip. Recomposition, robotically or not there were no tears shed in front of anyone. I forced myself to enjoy the next twelve hours, if not for me then for Adalynne.
I still see the beauty in everyday, but as the anaesthesia has worn off the days are harder. It was a new defense mechanism I came in contact with after the initial loss of Adalynne. I truly felt like I was okay, that is until the anesthesia wore off and now instead of the days getting easier, they are getting harder. This is something I know I have to face, this is something I know I have to go through; man is it rough. I know I have said this before but, I never thought it would be this hard. I face one day at a time, one moment at a time for the boys. With them I don't have a choice, I put one foot on the floor in the morning and then the other taking my first step of the new day because they keep me going.
At the "Sailaway Celebration" I found myself crying, tearing up at the innocent faces around me celebrating the true joy that these wonderful Disney characters create. I know from the outside looking in, I looked like some psychotic adult fan, but the tears were from me missing you. Even immersed in the pure joy happy children create, it wasn't complete...but I put on a strong front for that day and the ones to follow. But, I couldn't help but feel a tug on my heart seeing all of the little girls dressed as her favorite princess character.
Harrison and I were on the elevator and a family came on, just like ours but opposite; two older girls and chubber-wubber baby boy. He was so adorable, pinchable and absolutely perfect. As they were joining Harrison and me on the elevator, the dad tried to admire the cutest baby boy; when the mom said, "no he is my baby boy," bringing him to the nape of her neck; kidding of course. My God, was I jealous, but I know He understood. Harrison looked at the family and said, "He sure is a cute baby. I had a baby sister, but she died. She lived for five days." I stood there silent, what do you say to that?... The young girls were terrified by his honesty and their youth; their precious youth was tainted by Harrison's honesty. The dad looked at Harrison as we got off the elevator and said earnestly, "have a wonderful day buddy." We did. That was the day we got face-to-face with the dolphin named Hercules. We got to hug him, kiss him, and even rub his tummy. Atlantis was amazing. We had a great time. That was my favorite part of the trip; swimming with dolphins.
Even though, there was absolutely a piece of me missing, I trampled on and tried to have wonderful time. Adalynne came up in our conversations at least once a day. Even though wonderful time and all, I was always on the verge of tears. I was "okay" able to hold it together, that is until the last day. We were in the gift shop getting things for one another and family, when I wondered off from the boys and was surrounded by princesses. I was fingering a green and white seersucker dress when the tears began to fall. I had made it past the red with white polka dotted velour jump suit, the red and white polka dotted flip flops with bows on the toes, and every little girl dressed as a princess; but this, this did it. Maybe because it was next to the sippie cups, bottles and bibs. I knelt down, embarrassed by my outburst of emotions, when I was face-to-face with Cinderella's glass slippers ones small enough to fit on the tiniest Cinderella fan. I watched Cinderella once a day as a little girl. Everything that I once imagined to be a part of Adalynne's childhood was looking at me, almost like it had survived years upon years of little girls...and she had not. It took me a while to recompose myself before I could face the rest of my party; but, that is what I did the rest of the twenty four hours ahead of us in the trip. Recomposition, robotically or not there were no tears shed in front of anyone. I forced myself to enjoy the next twelve hours, if not for me then for Adalynne.
I still see the beauty in everyday, but as the anaesthesia has worn off the days are harder. It was a new defense mechanism I came in contact with after the initial loss of Adalynne. I truly felt like I was okay, that is until the anesthesia wore off and now instead of the days getting easier, they are getting harder. This is something I know I have to face, this is something I know I have to go through; man is it rough. I know I have said this before but, I never thought it would be this hard. I face one day at a time, one moment at a time for the boys. With them I don't have a choice, I put one foot on the floor in the morning and then the other taking my first step of the new day because they keep me going.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Displacement
For the first time since Adalynne's condition came into existence I am truly angry. The anger does not come from the card from Governor Bredesen; it comes from displacement. Do they not do their research? As a nurse, we almost took an entire semester in therapeutic communication. I am guessing that is not something congress takes into account. I had an exhausting day, not bad just exhausting. Thanks to Cathlin, we are going on a Disney Cruise for the boys' spring break and I am so busy trying to get everything in order before we leave. I know the cruise was planned because, " it is perfect timing for us to get away from it all."
As I was getting the mail today I noticed a letter from Governor Phil Bredesen and First Lady Andrea Conte, noticing it was a Hallmark card I thought it was a sympathy card. Goodness, what a fool I am, yea right, like the governor of TN would really know about Adalynne and her gifts. I felt stupid after I opened it and saw what it really was. Looking at it in my lap now, causes a lump in my throat. The one you get trying to fight back tears. It is a card that says on the cover, "Your Bundle of Joy Has Arrived" then I opened it in horror and disbelief to see the words, " A darling little baby to cuddle and adore, to spoil a little and love a lot- who could ask for more!" Um, both hands in the air... ME! ME! ME! I could ask for more a hell of A LOT MORE! I could ask that you do your research before you mail cards encouraging parents to get their "new bundles of joy" immunized. I am sure this initiative, of whatever it is called... Project Newborn Shots, cost us a lot of money and even more time in taxes and so forth. You know, we got our certificate of death before Adalynne's birth certificate and social security card. I KNOW THEY HAVE ACCESS TO IT! I had to pay $30 to get, the OFFICIAL death certificate, in order to prove she was a dependent for taxes. All it takes is SOMEONE to do a little research before they send these cards out to all of parents who should have a new bundle of joy at home. Oh, the other side of the care says, "Congratulations on the new addition to your family. As parents, we know how excited you must be. Remember, the path to a happy life begins with a healthy baby. Please take your infant in to be immunized before two months of age. Again, congratulations on your new arrival"...just shove the dagger in a little deeper.
Today, is not a good day. Today I am struggling. I miss Adalynne so much; her little soft head, her smell, and even how she hated having her diaper changed. Today, I feel like it is so unfair. I know what is driving it home so much more, the fact that I was hoping to see two little pink lines instead of the one I waited three minutes to see.
As I was getting the mail today I noticed a letter from Governor Phil Bredesen and First Lady Andrea Conte, noticing it was a Hallmark card I thought it was a sympathy card. Goodness, what a fool I am, yea right, like the governor of TN would really know about Adalynne and her gifts. I felt stupid after I opened it and saw what it really was. Looking at it in my lap now, causes a lump in my throat. The one you get trying to fight back tears. It is a card that says on the cover, "Your Bundle of Joy Has Arrived" then I opened it in horror and disbelief to see the words, " A darling little baby to cuddle and adore, to spoil a little and love a lot- who could ask for more!" Um, both hands in the air... ME! ME! ME! I could ask for more a hell of A LOT MORE! I could ask that you do your research before you mail cards encouraging parents to get their "new bundles of joy" immunized. I am sure this initiative, of whatever it is called... Project Newborn Shots, cost us a lot of money and even more time in taxes and so forth. You know, we got our certificate of death before Adalynne's birth certificate and social security card. I KNOW THEY HAVE ACCESS TO IT! I had to pay $30 to get, the OFFICIAL death certificate, in order to prove she was a dependent for taxes. All it takes is SOMEONE to do a little research before they send these cards out to all of parents who should have a new bundle of joy at home. Oh, the other side of the care says, "Congratulations on the new addition to your family. As parents, we know how excited you must be. Remember, the path to a happy life begins with a healthy baby. Please take your infant in to be immunized before two months of age. Again, congratulations on your new arrival"...just shove the dagger in a little deeper.
Today, is not a good day. Today I am struggling. I miss Adalynne so much; her little soft head, her smell, and even how she hated having her diaper changed. Today, I feel like it is so unfair. I know what is driving it home so much more, the fact that I was hoping to see two little pink lines instead of the one I waited three minutes to see.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
She Keeps on Giving
I am so TIRED. I was invited to speak at a local high school here in Nashville. It is a private school, so they cover issues regarding the sanctity of life. I was asked to come in and share our story. I am not a public speaker and I was so nervous. I was only able to get an hour of sleep the night before my first day of speaking. Sharing Adalynne's story over and over brought up so many emotions and feelings that I could not "turn my brain off" and only got an hour of sleep last night too. I felt so honored to share our story. I knew what I wanted to say, but I did not know how it would be received. Other than the fact that I had also graduated from the high school where I was asked to speak, and that I was once a teenager, I didn't have anything else in common with these kids. What if they thought I was a complete tool? What if they could not relate to Adalynne's journey, and I waste their time and mine? I took the advice of a co-worker who said, "pray that God gives you the words that are in your heart." As I was getting ready to leave on the first day I prayed that God would give me the words.
Sharing our story keeps Adalynne's spirit alive. I am so proud to be Adalynne's mom. I am so proud that God gave me her, out of all the women in the world He picked me to be her mom, and what proud mom doesn't like to brag about how wonderful her kids are? And, that is what I got to do the last two days, brag about Adalynne over and over. Again, I am so honored that I was asked to share her story; our story. If, the words I have shared over the past two days impacts just one person, it helps me to see the true beauty in everything that was and is Adalynne.
I promised Houston, who is not a morning person at all, if we made it to school without any meltdowns he could get this new light saber that had just come out. It was tough and he had to be reminded a couple of times about the light saber, but he did it. After I picked Harrison up from school we went to Target to get the light saber. As I was pulling out of Target I smelled Adalynne. It was her and her scent. I started sniffing my clothes looking around to see where the smell came from and smiled. Oh, she smelled amazing. Harrison and I were picked Houston up with his reward waiting on him. Houston asked if the light saber was in the car. Harrison and I just looked at one another and smiled, and I said, "I don't know. I guess we have to go look." Houston was proud of himself and loved his new addition to the ever growing Star Wars collection. The three of us were pulling out of Houston's school when I got another faint whiff of Adalynne. I thought for sure it was my clothes, picked up the sweater I had just laid on the seat next to me thinking, I just started using a new dry cleaning place it must be their soap and smelled the sweater. Nope, it wasn't the sweater and I just smiled.
Sharing our story keeps Adalynne's spirit alive. I am so proud to be Adalynne's mom. I am so proud that God gave me her, out of all the women in the world He picked me to be her mom, and what proud mom doesn't like to brag about how wonderful her kids are? And, that is what I got to do the last two days, brag about Adalynne over and over. Again, I am so honored that I was asked to share her story; our story. If, the words I have shared over the past two days impacts just one person, it helps me to see the true beauty in everything that was and is Adalynne.
I promised Houston, who is not a morning person at all, if we made it to school without any meltdowns he could get this new light saber that had just come out. It was tough and he had to be reminded a couple of times about the light saber, but he did it. After I picked Harrison up from school we went to Target to get the light saber. As I was pulling out of Target I smelled Adalynne. It was her and her scent. I started sniffing my clothes looking around to see where the smell came from and smiled. Oh, she smelled amazing. Harrison and I were picked Houston up with his reward waiting on him. Houston asked if the light saber was in the car. Harrison and I just looked at one another and smiled, and I said, "I don't know. I guess we have to go look." Houston was proud of himself and loved his new addition to the ever growing Star Wars collection. The three of us were pulling out of Houston's school when I got another faint whiff of Adalynne. I thought for sure it was my clothes, picked up the sweater I had just laid on the seat next to me thinking, I just started using a new dry cleaning place it must be their soap and smelled the sweater. Nope, it wasn't the sweater and I just smiled.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Life Goes On...
You know I sit here and I am astonished. Astonished at how life seems to go on regardless if we want it to or regardless if we are ready to become a part of the world after devastation has wrecked our lives. I am not saying my life is wrecked, but days after Adalynne left it was, wrecked. I was amazed at how people still got pissy in the Starbucks line; how people were still in a hurry to get to where ever it was they were going that they ran the yellow light just as it was turning red; and how people, so caught up in their day to day routine did not pay attention. Life goes on.
My parents both of them started fresh in Arizona. Fresh in a new climate, with new careers to embark, and a new outlook in life. My heart broke a little more thinking my mom, my best friend, was going to be so far away. It has been so hard. There are so many changes. But, I put my best forward as we embarked, just the two of us, on our cross country road trip; where she and my dad were about to start their new lives. The cross country road trip was a BLAST. My mom and I had such a great time. It did not seem like 30 hours in the car. We hit a snow storm in Oklahoma, which added six hours to our trip. I learned how to drive in the snow, through white knuckles and all we made it through. My mom would try to have a "heart to heart" with me during our journey, but her leaving was hard enough. I had to put a strong front on, and I would not allow it. We only talked about stupid superficial stuff. I couldn't talk about the fact that she would be so far away, because I knew I would break down in front of her. This transition was not easy for my mom, and I knew I had to be strong for her. It sucks, but if Adalynne has taught me anything it is to learn and grow from challenges that life throws at me. My mom has been my rock my entire life. We have always had such an amazing relationship. She is more than my mom, she is my best friend. Thank goodness for Skype and Southwest Airlines. I was gone from Nashville for seven days. Adalynne's due date, 02/07/2010, occurred while I was in Arizona; Superbowl Sunday. She is still giving me little miracles that connect the two of us. Superbowl, football for that matter, was the farthest thing from our minds when Adalynne's life started. Well, Adalynne's due date was on Superbowl Sunday and I was born on Superbowl Sunday. Even though she was gone, it is like she is still talking to me. Towards the end of the trip my mom got very quite, and distant. I remember saying, "Mom, what is it, other than the obvious? It sucks, and it is going to be hard. But, if Adalynne has taught us anything, it is how to grow from the situations life gives us. It is not like I am going to be close, so tell me what you are thinking before I go back to Nashville." She must have thought what I was thinking at the time, I have to be strong for her. Gosh we are so much alike.
When I got back to Nashville life was in full swing. The little boys and I were asked to be a part of a fundraiser hosted by Vanderbilt. All of the proceeds go to their pediatric oncology/hematology department (children's cancer). The photo shoot with two crazy boys was last week in a tea house, FULL OF ANTIQUE china. I was able to meet two other moms, who have struggled with a sick child. My heart not only went out to them, but I have so much admiration for them. I could not imagine what it is like to have a child so sick, that they are on the cusp of life, and then, just kidding, they are better four different times. What strength that child has, and their parents have. I felt truly honored. Or one parent whose child had cancer and she also has a child with Autism; what strength... It is like we are being conditioned for something else, something greater than this world has to offer. I truly truly admire those women and their amazing survivors. I felt so honored to be asked to be a part of their "clique" if you will.
Work is so busy. The cases keep coming in, and I love it; but I am still trying to find a position in a hospital in the NICU or Labor and Delivery department; still to no avail.
I caught up with one of my very best friends at out favorite venue, FIDO in Hillsboro Village, and I have even caught up with a friend from high school I had lost touch with.
With life still marching on, I still find it hard to breath at the thought of my princess. And it has nothing to do with the hardship Harrison is going through losing his sister, honestly. The other night he fell asleep in the car on our way home. Ryan was getting him out of the car, he was sound asleep screaming frantically Adalynne's name. It broke our hearts. His headaches are back and he is having so much trouble listening. I took him to the doctor yesterday for his headaches. It was just as I had thought, nothing physiological. He is sad and does not know how to say, this feeling I am feeling is sadness. We have an appointment on Monday with a grief counselor. Hopefully, she will be able to help him put a word to those feelings. Thank you God for Alive Hospice. They continue to help our family.
Yesterday I found myself gulping for air. I was surrounded by all of these wonderful things. Things that I should be buying for Adalynne. I should be at a point in my life where I am buying pink; pink clothing, pink swings, pink bouncy seats, pink shoes; but, that is not my reality. I was hoping to have Ryan complain about how much money I have been spending on our little princess, but again, that is not our reality. I over heard a mom saying how strange it was that people actually sold newborn diapers at the consignment sale. She thought it was so weird and, "why would someone consign that?" I said, silently of course, "they could be from people like me, planners. Those of us who buy diapers after they reach their second trimester every time they go to the grocery store, and then life throws them a curve ball, and they don't get to be used." I have all of these organic newborn diapers that are still in a closet, unused collecting dust.
Thank God life goes on. I got a call from Ryan just as I was about to lose it in the safety of my car. I was surrounded by people who were at a point in their lives where I should be, and it wasn't my reality. I should have a little girl who is almost two months old... The call, Harrison had cut his own hair!! My focus switched from my sadness to being annoyed with Harrison for cutting his hair. According to Ryan, Harrison had something sticky in his hair. Harrison had noticed it in the car on their way home. Harrison said he would have to cut it out of his hair, and Ryan told him it would come out in the shower and not to cut his hair. Well, Harrison has not been listening very well lately, and marched inside opened to drawer and cut that sticky stuff right out of his hair all before Ryan even made it to the door. He is so hardheaded. And now he has a very short hairstyle.
I am going to my first support group tomorrow evening. It is for parents who have lost children. I am looking forward to it. It is a club no one wants to belong, but I am so grateful to have other people out there like me, people who have lost a child.
My parents both of them started fresh in Arizona. Fresh in a new climate, with new careers to embark, and a new outlook in life. My heart broke a little more thinking my mom, my best friend, was going to be so far away. It has been so hard. There are so many changes. But, I put my best forward as we embarked, just the two of us, on our cross country road trip; where she and my dad were about to start their new lives. The cross country road trip was a BLAST. My mom and I had such a great time. It did not seem like 30 hours in the car. We hit a snow storm in Oklahoma, which added six hours to our trip. I learned how to drive in the snow, through white knuckles and all we made it through. My mom would try to have a "heart to heart" with me during our journey, but her leaving was hard enough. I had to put a strong front on, and I would not allow it. We only talked about stupid superficial stuff. I couldn't talk about the fact that she would be so far away, because I knew I would break down in front of her. This transition was not easy for my mom, and I knew I had to be strong for her. It sucks, but if Adalynne has taught me anything it is to learn and grow from challenges that life throws at me. My mom has been my rock my entire life. We have always had such an amazing relationship. She is more than my mom, she is my best friend. Thank goodness for Skype and Southwest Airlines. I was gone from Nashville for seven days. Adalynne's due date, 02/07/2010, occurred while I was in Arizona; Superbowl Sunday. She is still giving me little miracles that connect the two of us. Superbowl, football for that matter, was the farthest thing from our minds when Adalynne's life started. Well, Adalynne's due date was on Superbowl Sunday and I was born on Superbowl Sunday. Even though she was gone, it is like she is still talking to me. Towards the end of the trip my mom got very quite, and distant. I remember saying, "Mom, what is it, other than the obvious? It sucks, and it is going to be hard. But, if Adalynne has taught us anything, it is how to grow from the situations life gives us. It is not like I am going to be close, so tell me what you are thinking before I go back to Nashville." She must have thought what I was thinking at the time, I have to be strong for her. Gosh we are so much alike.
When I got back to Nashville life was in full swing. The little boys and I were asked to be a part of a fundraiser hosted by Vanderbilt. All of the proceeds go to their pediatric oncology/hematology department (children's cancer). The photo shoot with two crazy boys was last week in a tea house, FULL OF ANTIQUE china. I was able to meet two other moms, who have struggled with a sick child. My heart not only went out to them, but I have so much admiration for them. I could not imagine what it is like to have a child so sick, that they are on the cusp of life, and then, just kidding, they are better four different times. What strength that child has, and their parents have. I felt truly honored. Or one parent whose child had cancer and she also has a child with Autism; what strength... It is like we are being conditioned for something else, something greater than this world has to offer. I truly truly admire those women and their amazing survivors. I felt so honored to be asked to be a part of their "clique" if you will.
Work is so busy. The cases keep coming in, and I love it; but I am still trying to find a position in a hospital in the NICU or Labor and Delivery department; still to no avail.
I caught up with one of my very best friends at out favorite venue, FIDO in Hillsboro Village, and I have even caught up with a friend from high school I had lost touch with.
With life still marching on, I still find it hard to breath at the thought of my princess. And it has nothing to do with the hardship Harrison is going through losing his sister, honestly. The other night he fell asleep in the car on our way home. Ryan was getting him out of the car, he was sound asleep screaming frantically Adalynne's name. It broke our hearts. His headaches are back and he is having so much trouble listening. I took him to the doctor yesterday for his headaches. It was just as I had thought, nothing physiological. He is sad and does not know how to say, this feeling I am feeling is sadness. We have an appointment on Monday with a grief counselor. Hopefully, she will be able to help him put a word to those feelings. Thank you God for Alive Hospice. They continue to help our family.
Yesterday I found myself gulping for air. I was surrounded by all of these wonderful things. Things that I should be buying for Adalynne. I should be at a point in my life where I am buying pink; pink clothing, pink swings, pink bouncy seats, pink shoes; but, that is not my reality. I was hoping to have Ryan complain about how much money I have been spending on our little princess, but again, that is not our reality. I over heard a mom saying how strange it was that people actually sold newborn diapers at the consignment sale. She thought it was so weird and, "why would someone consign that?" I said, silently of course, "they could be from people like me, planners. Those of us who buy diapers after they reach their second trimester every time they go to the grocery store, and then life throws them a curve ball, and they don't get to be used." I have all of these organic newborn diapers that are still in a closet, unused collecting dust.
Thank God life goes on. I got a call from Ryan just as I was about to lose it in the safety of my car. I was surrounded by people who were at a point in their lives where I should be, and it wasn't my reality. I should have a little girl who is almost two months old... The call, Harrison had cut his own hair!! My focus switched from my sadness to being annoyed with Harrison for cutting his hair. According to Ryan, Harrison had something sticky in his hair. Harrison had noticed it in the car on their way home. Harrison said he would have to cut it out of his hair, and Ryan told him it would come out in the shower and not to cut his hair. Well, Harrison has not been listening very well lately, and marched inside opened to drawer and cut that sticky stuff right out of his hair all before Ryan even made it to the door. He is so hardheaded. And now he has a very short hairstyle.
I am going to my first support group tomorrow evening. It is for parents who have lost children. I am looking forward to it. It is a club no one wants to belong, but I am so grateful to have other people out there like me, people who have lost a child.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
January 4, 2010
It was the first day back to school since having a long Christmas break. Even with the boys going to bed extra early Sunday night, Monday morning was a struggle. I was excited to be back to our routine. I bounced out of bed, walked Chloe in the frozen grass that crunched under my feet, went downstairs started breakfast for the boys, made Houston's lunch, and got Harrison squared away for his first week of kindergarten in 2010. The boys love cinnamon toast and we had a lot of bread that needed to be eaten, so I made six pieces of toast for my three boys and cereal for the two younger ones; Ryan I love you, but you know how to make your own cereal:) With Harrison dressed in his school uniform sweatshirt and all, Houston adorned in his "football" clothes, and daddy dapper; as always. They were off to start this Monday in full swing. There was an excitement in the air. I was actually looking forward to the mounds of house work ahead of me, getting back to our routine. Our family operates so much better with structure. After hugs and kisses for mommy and Adalynne, I did a little jig, singing, "It's Monday, Monday, Monday." Belting the tune of the last Monday; croaking it actually. The neighbors were already gone, thank goodness. I sounded like a croaking cat. I watched the boys drive off and headed back inside, it was freezing cold outside.I noticed I had a headache, one that is commonly named "the hangover headache." I will go lay down for an hour and get up at 9:00, I thought. As I walked passed the six loads of laundry in their piles of whites to be bleached, whites with light colors, darks with dark denim and reds, darks, sheets, and towels. I knew it was a bad idea to lay back down but my head was killing me. The sun was shining brightly in our room when I laid back down and I noticed there was glitter in the room. "Oh great," I though, "my blood pressure it up. I will lay down for an hour and get started on the house work," and I set my phone alarm for 9:00. When 9:00 rolled around, I was more tired than before. The sound of my annoying alarm blaring was a sound I was not ready for and reset it for 10:00. I was so thirsty when I woke up but, I didn't even have to energy to get a drink of water from the bathroom sink in our room that is only five or six steps from our bed. I would only make the six step trip to the bathroom when I absolutely could not hold it anymore. By 11:00 I knew I was sick. In denial, I said to myself, "Okay I will get up at 12:30, shower, no make-up, no blow dryers, not even lotion (I just don't have the energy), run to Publix, check my blood pressure, call my doctor, pick Harrison up at school at 2:00, and then come home clean house, and start the pork with mushroom cream sauce and rice Ryan loves." The headache was still there, but the sparkles were gone when I finally got up to get ready.Before I had children I would not leave the house without full make-up, and my outfits were thought out; not thrown together. Ryan, I love him so much, thinking of him makes me smile (thank you Adalynne for instilling a deeper love than I have ever felt for your daddy). He is such a jokster. If he saw what I was wearing he would say, "It looks like I adopted you." Ryan is a gorgeous man with a sense of style that makes him look dapper; even doing house work. I looked like a hot mess, but I was wearing Ryan's coat, that has to count for something. My blood pressure was 139/84. Now, I know that does not sound high, but my blood pressure is usually really low, like 102/64; so the 37 point and 20 point increase is something to be slightly concerned about; plus the headache and visual disturbances. So, reluctantly I called my OB; she is another person who brings a smile to my face every time I think about her; along with my nurse in her office. It was in God's plan, with the help of Adalynne, for the three of us to come together. They wanted me to come in so they could check my blood pressure and some labs. I called Ryan who was at the office and told him the news. Usually, Ryan is calm and has downplayed our previous "scares" but this time he was different. I didn't think anything about it, and picked Harrison up early from school. I was sick. Induction was the best thing for my health. Ryan says that the fact that my health being so compromised helped put everything into perspective. It helped us not think about the potential loss of our sweet Adalynne during labor, but it helped us to focus on how sick I had become. The nurses were so gracious, even with my health at stake they allowed us to implement our birth plan.I have such a high tolerance to pain that once I need the epidural, it is almost too late. I have done this twice now, so you would think I would have learned from Houston's birth. I remember the anaesthesiologist placing the catheter in my back, but not putting the block in, because the pain was just mildly annoying. Once it got to the point I needed the medicine, Adalynne was crowning. Thank GOD Adalynne was so tiny.And... she was here; all three pounds and fifteen ounces of our little miracle. She was born blue; which due to her heart defect was suspected. Her first APGAR score was 2. Because of Adalynne's condition, the medical staff feared she would not be with us for very long. After the initial evaluation she was cleaned off, given to me, and Father Mike baptised her while she was in my arms. Without ANY medical intervention her second APGAR score was a 7! She was and is a miracle in every sense of the word. The only time she left our side was when she left for ten minutes, max, for her newborn screening before we went home!! I was really sick and my memory of the hospital events are kind of blurry. I was billed for being in the ICU for two days, but I didn't leave the delivery room until day three; I think. Baptist was AMAZING!!! I could not have hand picked better nurses! My OB and her nurse have always been amazing. After I was stable we were transferred to the postpartum unit, which was not up to my husband's standards. See, it was the first snow of the season that day and he wanted everything to be picture perfect for his girls, and since we were facing the parking lot Ryan wanted our view to be better. He did what ever it is he does and we were moved to the Titan's suite; our view was magnificent. Our window faced downtown Nashville. But, the only thing I was looking at fit in the crook of my elbow. I was relishing every second with her, feeling guilty for putting her down and getting jealous of anyone who held her. Ryan kept asking me, "How are you doing it?" He was talking about the lack of sleep I had gotten since Adalynne was born; staying up with her all night. I would respond beaming with joy, love and appreciation, "I don't know how long we have with her. I can sleep when she is gone."I was so scared about leaving the hospital without a child. When I would let my mind "go there," I could see the nurses wheeling me to the parking lot, hands empty without the little girl I had grown to know so well over the past nine months. But, that wasn't something that was in the plan. Cathlin, my mother in law, went to Target and bought SO many adorable outfits and a car seat. God gave me a miracle that Friday. We were discharged, THE TWO OF US!!!! I got to go home with my bundle of precious joy. I remember beaming, I felt like I was being wheeled through the tunnel leading to the field on Super Bowl Sunday; getting high fives and genuine grins and congratulations of nurses who had learned our story. The only thing we were missing were scantily clad cheerleaders. The car seat swallowed Adalynne and she HATED it. If I wasn't such a Nervous Nancy and a rule follower I would have taken her out of that awful car seat and held her the whole ride home, but I didn't. Instead, I got nose-to-nose and told her how evil the car seat was, and to tell me all about the mean evil restricting seat, kissing her every 90 seconds. Ryan took pictures the whole way home, with me yelling at him to focus on the road because of the snowy conditions, and the fact that he was DRIVING... By the time we got to our exit Adalynne had calmed down and gotten it all off her chest, how much she hated that horrible car seat. When we pulled up to our house the ground and street were covered with snow and my oldest brother Gordon was outside beaming with joy on Adalynne's arrival. They got to our place earlier in the day to get the place in TIP TOP shape for Adalynne; and she was home. A place we were the most familiar with, a place she made complete....
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I Didn't Know
Everytime I try to write about Adalynne's arrival and the five miraculous days she was here, my throat feels like it closes in on itself and I can't breath. I try to see the beauty in everyday, but I did not know it would be this hard. I am scared to let go and cry, because I am so afraid the tears won't stop. I try to see her in the sunsets, rain, snow, and in the boys' laughter; but I didn't know it would be this hard.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Happy Birthday Mommy!
I get a lump in my throat that is so hard to swallow. I try not to allow myself to go to, "that place," the one where I feel sorry for myself. But, God, I miss my little girl and I want her back. I know that is not possbile, so what is the point in torturing myself. Adalynne's short precious life was with tremendous purpose. Yesterday, I was secretly feeling sorry for myself. Adalynne was here for everyone's birthday, everyone's but mine. I did not nor did I plan on vocalizing my feelings. What is the point? It only makes me sad to let myself think like that, and it is not productive. Adalynne showed me how to love and she gave me a voice; one which people actually wanted to hear. She was and is truly a miracle. I don't think the window to heaven closes all of the way when someone first goes to heaven. It is like they come back; just to check that you are all right. Especially when it is our child. I have smelled Adalynne. She had this amazingly wonderful distinctive smell. The hat they put on her when she was first born still has her smell. Ryan put it in a bag in hopes to preserve her smell a bit longer. I was in the kitchen last week or the week before making breakfast for the boys, and I smelled Adalynne; above the food and all. It made me stop dead in my tracks. I looked around frantically, for what, I don't know; but, she was there. I know it sounds crazy. A couple of days later Ryan told me he smelled Adalynne, and I was like, "oh my gosh me too!" He was also in the kitchen. Then, my mom and I were talking and she told me she had smelled Adalynne. My mom was all alone at her house and she smelled our little princess. Or, sometimes when I talk to Adalynne, I feel this sense of calm and peace all around my body and for that instant I am okay. When my mom and I were sharing our crazy commitable experiences with one another, she shared with me she experienced the same sense of calm when she talked to Adalynne. I know it sounds absolutely crazy.
Last night my mom came over for dinner. It was a pre Birthday dinner. She had stopped by Publix and found this amazing little ladybug cake. The people at the bakery said that they had never seen one like it before. It was like it was Adalynne and she showed up in the form of a mini ladybug cake, she is here for my birthday. When my mom got over here last night and showed me the cake I just started crying. I vocalized my feelings of feeling sorry for myself and I was sad that Adalynne was not here for my birthday. See Adalynne was my little ladybug. She was our little ladybug. The cake made me smile...
Last night my mom came over for dinner. It was a pre Birthday dinner. She had stopped by Publix and found this amazing little ladybug cake. The people at the bakery said that they had never seen one like it before. It was like it was Adalynne and she showed up in the form of a mini ladybug cake, she is here for my birthday. When my mom got over here last night and showed me the cake I just started crying. I vocalized my feelings of feeling sorry for myself and I was sad that Adalynne was not here for my birthday. See Adalynne was my little ladybug. She was our little ladybug. The cake made me smile...
Friday, January 15, 2010
Muddy Knees
It is so pretty outside today. We told the boys we were going to visit Adalynne yesterday, but they wanted to go today instead. Harrison corrected me saying, "It is not Adalynne. It is her gravesite." We stopped by the grocery store on our way and got pink lilies; they do better in the cold than roses. Before we left the house Harrison said, "I have a bad feeling you are going to cry." I thought to myself, "I have a feeling I am going to cry, too." But, instead I put on a front and told Harrison, " Harrison it is okay to cry and it is not a bad feeling and it is okay to be sad." "I know it is okay to cry and that it is not bad, but I just think you are going to cry." And, I left it at that.
I was really quiet in the car on the way to where Adalynne's body is resting. I was trying to figure our how I was feeling. Harrison talked nonstop and I tried so hard to answer his questions, but I was lost in my own thoughts and silent prayers for strength. At one poit, Ryan reached over and grabbed my hand squeezing it.
The dirt was still fresh and all of her flowers had since wilted. Ryan placed her pink lilies in the glass vase ontop of the fresh dirt, while I knelt down. I know she is not there, and knowing that made the trip so much easier than I had thought it would be. Someone left a shoe print on the fresh dirt that I wiped away. I sat there and just stared at the reddish colored soil thinking, "it seemed like a lifetime ago she was here. I wonder what she is doing in heaven, who is holding her." I looked up at the perfect blue sky, feeling the sun on my face, and smiled because I am at peace today. Houston placed his little four year old hand on the dirt as we were leaving and Harrison said, "goodbye." We got up heading for the car, me with muddy knees and a fresh insight. Coming to Adalynne's resting place is not as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe, I was able to repress my true feelings infront of the boys, or maybe it is okay either way for today I am at peace.
As we were leaving we found a white rose from Adalynne's celebration on the ground under a bench infront of Adalynne's resting place. Ryan asked Houston, if he wanted to go put it in the vase of a two month old little boy who is across the way from Adalynne, because he had no flowers in his. And he did. On our way back to the car we gathered the few pink and white ribbons that were left, from the balloons we released on the day of Adalynne's celebration.
I was really quiet in the car on the way to where Adalynne's body is resting. I was trying to figure our how I was feeling. Harrison talked nonstop and I tried so hard to answer his questions, but I was lost in my own thoughts and silent prayers for strength. At one poit, Ryan reached over and grabbed my hand squeezing it.
The dirt was still fresh and all of her flowers had since wilted. Ryan placed her pink lilies in the glass vase ontop of the fresh dirt, while I knelt down. I know she is not there, and knowing that made the trip so much easier than I had thought it would be. Someone left a shoe print on the fresh dirt that I wiped away. I sat there and just stared at the reddish colored soil thinking, "it seemed like a lifetime ago she was here. I wonder what she is doing in heaven, who is holding her." I looked up at the perfect blue sky, feeling the sun on my face, and smiled because I am at peace today. Houston placed his little four year old hand on the dirt as we were leaving and Harrison said, "goodbye." We got up heading for the car, me with muddy knees and a fresh insight. Coming to Adalynne's resting place is not as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe, I was able to repress my true feelings infront of the boys, or maybe it is okay either way for today I am at peace.
As we were leaving we found a white rose from Adalynne's celebration on the ground under a bench infront of Adalynne's resting place. Ryan asked Houston, if he wanted to go put it in the vase of a two month old little boy who is across the way from Adalynne, because he had no flowers in his. And he did. On our way back to the car we gathered the few pink and white ribbons that were left, from the balloons we released on the day of Adalynne's celebration.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A Day of Celebration
Oh, sweet Adalynne Dior. You were celebrated in a big way today, and it was a good day. Yes, I shed tears and my heart hurts; but today was for you baby girl. I wanted today to be a happy day one the boys remember as such. Harrison woke up bright and early wanting to know when the limo would get here. We had a pink cake we made for you last night, the boys idea. We had sparkling cider and champange to toast you with once we got in the limo. The boys were precious in their white tuxedos, and daddy in his pink shirt and tie.
Your celebration was complete with a children's choir, our song (To Make You Feel My Love) sung, bagpipes, doves, and pink and white balloons being released. Today was a good day, one that will forever be yours in my heart.
Your celebration was complete with a children's choir, our song (To Make You Feel My Love) sung, bagpipes, doves, and pink and white balloons being released. Today was a good day, one that will forever be yours in my heart.
Monday, January 11, 2010
A Song for Mommy
I don't know if I am in denial or if I really am, okay. Sure I am sad and devestated, but I am so happy God gave me such a wonderful little girl and I know they are both smiling down on me. It gives me great peace to know that it is in heaven that Adalynne could see her mommy for the first time. Sight was not something Adalynne was given here on earth.
My mom is my rock. I know she is as devastated as me, but she continues to do the things I couldn't do. Yesterday while we went to mass she got my family together and they put Adalynne's things away. There is not pink in every corner of the house, and I still sense Adalynne's presence. Today was Adalynne's first doctors appointment. I called her pediatrician at home yesterday, informing him we would not be there. I woke up this morning to an alarm on my phone that said, "Adalynne's MD appointment." It tugged at my heart while making me smile. Ryan blessed me this morning with wonderful insight. He was saying that "Adalynne's Song" was for her, while she was in my womb; but when she was here in our presence in our arms she was singing for us. She did go hungry, she crawled on her knees to kiss her daddy, she is a wonderful person. She waited to leave us until she knew we were okay, and that her work here on earth was finished. She hung on for us.
Because I had HELLP syndrome, I have to go back to my doctor today. I am scared at how I will react seeing everyone who was so wonderful to Adalynne and me. It was tough going there when Adalynne was with me; seeing all the expectant mothers in a completly different place.
My mom is my rock. I know she is as devastated as me, but she continues to do the things I couldn't do. Yesterday while we went to mass she got my family together and they put Adalynne's things away. There is not pink in every corner of the house, and I still sense Adalynne's presence. Today was Adalynne's first doctors appointment. I called her pediatrician at home yesterday, informing him we would not be there. I woke up this morning to an alarm on my phone that said, "Adalynne's MD appointment." It tugged at my heart while making me smile. Ryan blessed me this morning with wonderful insight. He was saying that "Adalynne's Song" was for her, while she was in my womb; but when she was here in our presence in our arms she was singing for us. She did go hungry, she crawled on her knees to kiss her daddy, she is a wonderful person. She waited to leave us until she knew we were okay, and that her work here on earth was finished. She hung on for us.
Because I had HELLP syndrome, I have to go back to my doctor today. I am scared at how I will react seeing everyone who was so wonderful to Adalynne and me. It was tough going there when Adalynne was with me; seeing all the expectant mothers in a completly different place.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
A Celebration of Life
Adalynne, Adalynne, Adalynne my baby girl your life is to be celebrated in a big way!!
Adalynne Dior Vinett
January 4, 2010 thru January 09, 2010
January 13, 2010 your life is going to be celebrated at the Cathedral of Incarnation on West End at 10:30 with the guest adorned in pink or white!! Your family will be receiving guests starting at 9:30. Please help us celebrate this little girl of ours!
We ask in lieu of flowers a donation be made to:
Alive Hospice/Monarch Hospice
1718 Patterson Street
Nashville, TN 37203
We love you forever
We will like you for always
As long as we're living
Our baby you'll be.
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Harrison, Houston, and Chloe
Adalynne Dior Vinett
January 4, 2010 thru January 09, 2010
January 13, 2010 your life is going to be celebrated at the Cathedral of Incarnation on West End at 10:30 with the guest adorned in pink or white!! Your family will be receiving guests starting at 9:30. Please help us celebrate this little girl of ours!
We ask in lieu of flowers a donation be made to:
Alive Hospice/Monarch Hospice
1718 Patterson Street
Nashville, TN 37203
We love you forever
We will like you for always
As long as we're living
Our baby you'll be.
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Harrison, Houston, and Chloe
Saturday, January 9, 2010
You Did Your Deeds...
I love you Adalynne. Thank you for the wonderful memories. You are the best daughter in the world. Thank you for kissing daddy on your way out of this world, even getting on all fours in your last minutes. We will miss you so much. Please keep a place warm for us in heaven.... I miss you already.
Love,
Mommy...
Love,
Mommy...
See You Soon, It's Not Goodbye...
Please forgive me for grammatical errors or misspellings...
As we sit here laying in our bedroom with Miss Adalynne in our arms, we are laughing crying, and looking back at the best five days of our lives. Adalynne has been such a miracle baby. She has shown such courage, stength, and passion. She has fought so hard to be here with her family so we can say hello and goodbye. Like I have said before, with life there is loss; love there is sorrow; and with happiness there is sadness. We are losing, loving, feeling sorrow, happy, and deeply saddened.
Miss Adalynne is in here final hours, and we are blessed enough to be here to say goodbye in this amazing journey. She is saying goodbye in peace and looks like a complete diva. She is going out in style; Uggs and all. Please pray that we find peace and acceptance in this journey. I am going to spend today saying goodbye to one of the best people I have ever met in my life and I can't wait to see her in heaven. I will talk later, in more detail of these past few amazingly wonderful days. God Bless!!!
As we sit here laying in our bedroom with Miss Adalynne in our arms, we are laughing crying, and looking back at the best five days of our lives. Adalynne has been such a miracle baby. She has shown such courage, stength, and passion. She has fought so hard to be here with her family so we can say hello and goodbye. Like I have said before, with life there is loss; love there is sorrow; and with happiness there is sadness. We are losing, loving, feeling sorrow, happy, and deeply saddened.
Miss Adalynne is in here final hours, and we are blessed enough to be here to say goodbye in this amazing journey. She is saying goodbye in peace and looks like a complete diva. She is going out in style; Uggs and all. Please pray that we find peace and acceptance in this journey. I am going to spend today saying goodbye to one of the best people I have ever met in my life and I can't wait to see her in heaven. I will talk later, in more detail of these past few amazingly wonderful days. God Bless!!!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Thank You God!!
Miss Adalynne, the boys and I are going to be spending a quiet day at HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She gets to come home today!!! We have to pick up some stuff, which is going to be so much fun. We don't have anything! EEEKKK!!!! This is so super duper exciting! It is still day by day, and I am loving January 7th, 2010 so far!!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Fifty Hours and Thirty Minutes
Adalynne continues to do well. She is currently on medication to help control her seizures. She has not had one in twenty four hours! Harrison and Houston spent the evening with their little sister. She even got them t-shirts that said, "I am a Big Brother".
Harrison is so in love with his little sister. He holds her, kisses her, hugs her, and makes silly faces at her to get her to smile. I know it is gas, but she was smiling at him tonight when he was acting silly. He is head over heels, just like me! Houston on the other hand, it is going to take some time for him to warm up to the newest addition to our family. He was more intrigued with a horse racing toy he got at Cracker Barrel or calling Uncle G names like Dumbo than he was with Adalynne. Which is so odd, because when she was in my tummy it was Houston who would not leave my belly alone; and Harrison who couldn't have cared less. We made some wonderful family memories tonight. I think my heart grew three sizes bigger. Two of Adalynne's uncles were here and Uncle G is already teaching her things she doesn't need to know, while Uncle Clayton is a quiet observer taking her in. Thank you Uncle Clayton for not partcipating in Houston's potty talk game. Aunt Ana has captured some wonderful pictures. She is such a great photographer.
Adalynne and I were just chatting, like girls do, and we decided her stinky big brothers are really great. Since we are up every three hours for feedings we have a lot of "girl time" and she was just letting me know, by her cute kitten sounding cry, how much she dislikes having her diapers changed; but how she loves to eat and she really likes her pacifier. Did you know they smell like vanilla? She is my little cupcake, and even smells like one too. Adalynne and I are going to cap this latest girls only time by shopping. Since we did not plan on her coming home, we have nothing. So, with daddy sleeping in the bed next to us we are going to look for some pink!
These last couple of days have truly been a miracle. I honestly, in my heart of hearts, did not think Adalynne would make it through the labor process. The fact that she had such a wonderful last twenty four hours is such a blessing. I know when the boys were newborns and I was just getting to know them my heart would feel like it was swelling, literally swelling over with love as I held them and fed them. I have been able to have the same experience with Adalynne too. She makes my heart swell. I know our journey with her is day to day, and we are starting today with some SHOPPING!!! Sorry Daddy, but girls just gotta have fun. Right Adalynne?!
Harrison is so in love with his little sister. He holds her, kisses her, hugs her, and makes silly faces at her to get her to smile. I know it is gas, but she was smiling at him tonight when he was acting silly. He is head over heels, just like me! Houston on the other hand, it is going to take some time for him to warm up to the newest addition to our family. He was more intrigued with a horse racing toy he got at Cracker Barrel or calling Uncle G names like Dumbo than he was with Adalynne. Which is so odd, because when she was in my tummy it was Houston who would not leave my belly alone; and Harrison who couldn't have cared less. We made some wonderful family memories tonight. I think my heart grew three sizes bigger. Two of Adalynne's uncles were here and Uncle G is already teaching her things she doesn't need to know, while Uncle Clayton is a quiet observer taking her in. Thank you Uncle Clayton for not partcipating in Houston's potty talk game. Aunt Ana has captured some wonderful pictures. She is such a great photographer.
Adalynne and I were just chatting, like girls do, and we decided her stinky big brothers are really great. Since we are up every three hours for feedings we have a lot of "girl time" and she was just letting me know, by her cute kitten sounding cry, how much she dislikes having her diapers changed; but how she loves to eat and she really likes her pacifier. Did you know they smell like vanilla? She is my little cupcake, and even smells like one too. Adalynne and I are going to cap this latest girls only time by shopping. Since we did not plan on her coming home, we have nothing. So, with daddy sleeping in the bed next to us we are going to look for some pink!
These last couple of days have truly been a miracle. I honestly, in my heart of hearts, did not think Adalynne would make it through the labor process. The fact that she had such a wonderful last twenty four hours is such a blessing. I know when the boys were newborns and I was just getting to know them my heart would feel like it was swelling, literally swelling over with love as I held them and fed them. I have been able to have the same experience with Adalynne too. She makes my heart swell. I know our journey with her is day to day, and we are starting today with some SHOPPING!!! Sorry Daddy, but girls just gotta have fun. Right Adalynne?!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Happy Birthday Adalynne Dior!!
Well, she is here!!!! She is absolutely amazing. I am so in love. It all started on Monday. I woke up with a "hangover" headache and I was seeing glitter in the air and I knew my blood pressure was high. I was not feeling well, so after I got the boys off to work and school, I went back to bed. I kept trying to get up to do laundry, pick up the house and bathe Chloe. I had a lot to do around the house but I could not find the energy to do so. I finally got out of bed around noon and I still was not feeling well. I decided to check my blood pressure at Publix and it was high. I picked Harrison up at school, met Ryan back at the house and we were off to see my doctor. I had gained five pounds in less than a week, my lips looked like I had collagen injections, my blood pressure was high, and I looked like the stuffed Italian sausage I had eaten for dinner the night before. I was not a pretty sight. Long story longer, I was preeclamptic and needed to be induced. We were ready! I was excited about meeting Adalynne but I was scared because I knew I was sick.
She was born shortly after 11PM with a room full of people who love her. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was present along with our lovely priest and supportive family. It was a very easy labor. However, Adalynne did scare us. Her first APGAR score was 2 and without any medical intervention, her second APGAR score was 7! She was rocking and rolling!
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with a condition called HELLP Syndrome, so I will be in the hospital longer than I had hoped. But, in one hour and four minutes, I get to finally eat the sushi I have denied myself for the last nine months. Excited? YES!!!!!!
Everything is going wonderful with Miss Adalynne. She is so tiny and so beautiful. I am head over heels in love with this three pound, almost four, miracle. We met with our hospice doctor today, who evaluated Adalynne and said she was ready to go home and looked great. She was going to be able to come HOME and we were looking at spending possibly two weeks with her!!!! I was elated. Since we did not plan on Adalynne coming home, we did not buy a carseat, clothes, etc. Instantly, I started saying, "we get to take her to church, and basketball games and she gets to come home." What a miracle, once again. With progress comes setbacks, with success there is failure, and with love there is loss. Adalynne was doing great; WONDERFUL. Then Adalynne started having seizures. She is having them a lot. It is very scary to watch and there is nothing we can do to help her. She turns blue, like in Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory blue. You know, where the little girl turns blue after eating the gum she was not supposed to eat? We are taking the time we have with Adalynne minute by minute and enjoying and embracing every breath she takes. We don't know what today will bring but we are ready to embrace it. She may or may not come home, but regardless, it has been a wonderful journey and I truly feel blessed to have been chosen to be her mom. Now, if I could only hold her, there is so much competition:)
I just want to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts. Our family could not have done it without the love and support from so many people. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and especially our little fighter!!! God Bless!!
She was born shortly after 11PM with a room full of people who love her. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was present along with our lovely priest and supportive family. It was a very easy labor. However, Adalynne did scare us. Her first APGAR score was 2 and without any medical intervention, her second APGAR score was 7! She was rocking and rolling!
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with a condition called HELLP Syndrome, so I will be in the hospital longer than I had hoped. But, in one hour and four minutes, I get to finally eat the sushi I have denied myself for the last nine months. Excited? YES!!!!!!
Everything is going wonderful with Miss Adalynne. She is so tiny and so beautiful. I am head over heels in love with this three pound, almost four, miracle. We met with our hospice doctor today, who evaluated Adalynne and said she was ready to go home and looked great. She was going to be able to come HOME and we were looking at spending possibly two weeks with her!!!! I was elated. Since we did not plan on Adalynne coming home, we did not buy a carseat, clothes, etc. Instantly, I started saying, "we get to take her to church, and basketball games and she gets to come home." What a miracle, once again. With progress comes setbacks, with success there is failure, and with love there is loss. Adalynne was doing great; WONDERFUL. Then Adalynne started having seizures. She is having them a lot. It is very scary to watch and there is nothing we can do to help her. She turns blue, like in Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory blue. You know, where the little girl turns blue after eating the gum she was not supposed to eat? We are taking the time we have with Adalynne minute by minute and enjoying and embracing every breath she takes. We don't know what today will bring but we are ready to embrace it. She may or may not come home, but regardless, it has been a wonderful journey and I truly feel blessed to have been chosen to be her mom. Now, if I could only hold her, there is so much competition:)
I just want to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts. Our family could not have done it without the love and support from so many people. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and especially our little fighter!!! God Bless!!
Monday, January 4, 2010
she is here
She was born at 11:18 three lbs. fifteen oz. She is beautiful.we are enjoying every moment with our angel!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Happy Anniversary
Another milestone achieved with Miss Adalynne in tow, Ryan and I are celebrating our anniversary today and it's New Year's Eve. Thank you God for today and letting Adalynne be a part of it. We will bring in the new year with Adalynne of course, king crab legs, steak, loaded baked potatoes-there's no other way, salad, and lots of sparkling cider; a meal fit for a pregnant woman of 35 weeks! Adalynne hasn't had crab legs yet...
Sunday, December 27, 2009
It was All in the Plans
Have you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to make God laugh, make plans"? I have never liked the saying. It makes God sound like a sinister CEO corporate jerk. It is my opinion that God's plans are "set in stone" if you will, his plan is in the cards. Our plans are fluid and ever changing and they do not always line up with "the Big Man's". I don't think God's plans change.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to get married and be a mom. I met Ryan in high school. We met in summer school. It was Ms. Lund's Spanish class. We hit it off instantly. He was so funny and talked a lot. I am more of a listener; peas and carrots. We became best friends that summer. We were together constantly. All I did was laugh when he was around, something I love to do. Was it in my plans to fall in love with my best friend? Absolutely not, we were just friends. God knew better than I did and when I fell I fell hard. We had this amazing friendship that grew into love. He has changed my life is so many ways. We have had ups and downs, good times and bad, grown and regressed; but he is the love of my life. A husband was in my plans, Ryan was in God's.
Ryan and I planned to get married and start a family. But, what crazy in love teenager doesn't? We did not want to get married until we were at least thirty. So, when our family started at the beginning of my sophomore year in college I was a little scared. We didn't exactly plan to start our family while I was still a teenager, and it was tough, but it made us grow into more compassionate and humble adults. Yes, we put the cart before the horse, and Harrison was in our wedding. Harrison was always in God's plan, but due to life decisions Ryan and I made he came earlier than we had planned. Harrison is such an amazing blessing. Ryan and I love being parents, some days more than others but the gift of children is an amazingly bright spot is God's plan for us.
A girl was someone I had always hoped for. I had two wonderful boys, and a girl would be icing on the cake. Adalynne, everything about her, was in God's plan. God knew how much I wanted to be the mom of a little princess. Our plans matched up. I did not plan for Adalynne to only be here for a short time, but it makes her life even that much more precious. I don't think God sits back in a chair and says, "Okay this person is going to go through this trial in their life." I think He knows it is coming, but it is His plan to never leave us to face challenges alone.
This past Christmas was the best one I have ever had. I did not think Adalynne would make it through Christmas. My biggest fear was that she was going to be born a couple of days before Christmas, not make it, and we would have to go through this Christmas without her here. But, her presence here on earth during this special time of year was in God's plan as well as mine. She was able to be here this year and her presence was the best gift I have ever been given. I thank God for "letting her make it." We have a couple of traditions in our family, one in which we started this year, we implement during Christmas. One is we each get a pair of Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve, and the one we started this year is, each year a child in our family gets an ornament. When the boys are grown and start their own family, they can take their ornaments with them. This year Harrison got a soccer playing snowman and Houston got a football playing snowman. Adalynne was able to be here and share in these Christmas traditions. She did not get pajamas, but I did invest in some really festive Christmas maternity pj's. Her ornaments will not go with her, but they will be a beautiful reminder of her presence not only this Christmas, but the ones to come. This year she got a purple butterfly that is covered in glitter. The butterfly was in honor of the Monarch Hospice who have been so wonderful to our family during this journey. When I look at her ornament I think not only of Adalynne's presence, but the gift of friendship and love we have been given. A gift I would have never planned for, but God did. He knew we would need support and care during this short time with Adalynne and guided us toward the hospice.
...Something I had just learned, not in my plans, but in God's, Adalynne has a new angel waiting on her in heaven when she leaves this earth. I know no one lives here on earth forever, but sometimes the timing of the end of one's life is a shock. That is where we are, shocked at today's events that have unfolded. I pray that God graces members of our family with strength, acceptance, and peace in this time of loss.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to get married and be a mom. I met Ryan in high school. We met in summer school. It was Ms. Lund's Spanish class. We hit it off instantly. He was so funny and talked a lot. I am more of a listener; peas and carrots. We became best friends that summer. We were together constantly. All I did was laugh when he was around, something I love to do. Was it in my plans to fall in love with my best friend? Absolutely not, we were just friends. God knew better than I did and when I fell I fell hard. We had this amazing friendship that grew into love. He has changed my life is so many ways. We have had ups and downs, good times and bad, grown and regressed; but he is the love of my life. A husband was in my plans, Ryan was in God's.
Ryan and I planned to get married and start a family. But, what crazy in love teenager doesn't? We did not want to get married until we were at least thirty. So, when our family started at the beginning of my sophomore year in college I was a little scared. We didn't exactly plan to start our family while I was still a teenager, and it was tough, but it made us grow into more compassionate and humble adults. Yes, we put the cart before the horse, and Harrison was in our wedding. Harrison was always in God's plan, but due to life decisions Ryan and I made he came earlier than we had planned. Harrison is such an amazing blessing. Ryan and I love being parents, some days more than others but the gift of children is an amazingly bright spot is God's plan for us.
A girl was someone I had always hoped for. I had two wonderful boys, and a girl would be icing on the cake. Adalynne, everything about her, was in God's plan. God knew how much I wanted to be the mom of a little princess. Our plans matched up. I did not plan for Adalynne to only be here for a short time, but it makes her life even that much more precious. I don't think God sits back in a chair and says, "Okay this person is going to go through this trial in their life." I think He knows it is coming, but it is His plan to never leave us to face challenges alone.
This past Christmas was the best one I have ever had. I did not think Adalynne would make it through Christmas. My biggest fear was that she was going to be born a couple of days before Christmas, not make it, and we would have to go through this Christmas without her here. But, her presence here on earth during this special time of year was in God's plan as well as mine. She was able to be here this year and her presence was the best gift I have ever been given. I thank God for "letting her make it." We have a couple of traditions in our family, one in which we started this year, we implement during Christmas. One is we each get a pair of Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve, and the one we started this year is, each year a child in our family gets an ornament. When the boys are grown and start their own family, they can take their ornaments with them. This year Harrison got a soccer playing snowman and Houston got a football playing snowman. Adalynne was able to be here and share in these Christmas traditions. She did not get pajamas, but I did invest in some really festive Christmas maternity pj's. Her ornaments will not go with her, but they will be a beautiful reminder of her presence not only this Christmas, but the ones to come. This year she got a purple butterfly that is covered in glitter. The butterfly was in honor of the Monarch Hospice who have been so wonderful to our family during this journey. When I look at her ornament I think not only of Adalynne's presence, but the gift of friendship and love we have been given. A gift I would have never planned for, but God did. He knew we would need support and care during this short time with Adalynne and guided us toward the hospice.
...Something I had just learned, not in my plans, but in God's, Adalynne has a new angel waiting on her in heaven when she leaves this earth. I know no one lives here on earth forever, but sometimes the timing of the end of one's life is a shock. That is where we are, shocked at today's events that have unfolded. I pray that God graces members of our family with strength, acceptance, and peace in this time of loss.
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