It Took Long Enough...
I have been so busy being a full-time working mom and raising four amazing kiddos, that I have put blogging on the back burner. A lot has happened since my last post.
On July 25, 2014, I was busting it to get all of the boys' school supplies purchased. I was scheduled to be induced on their first day of school. My AMAZING mom was in town, from Scottsdale, Arizona, to help. We spent the day with the three boys in tow shopping. I felt terrible. I thought I was in labor, but I did not want to appear to be a drama queen. So, I did what needed to be done and finished getting the boys' school supplies, shoes, clothing, etc. etc. With each step I took the grouchier I got. I think my head even turned into a spitting monster at one point. Again, as terrible as I felt, I did not want to bring attention to my contractions and terrible backache; just in case it was not the real thing. But, that did not mean I wasn't an absolute pill. By the time 3 PM came around I knew I was in labor. I quietly told Ryan that I thought "today is the day". Ryan told me that, "today is not a good day". He was swamped with work. I just put on a plastic smile and shut the door. Once I was able to get my hands on my yoga ball I felt much better. I was able to use it to channel the discomfort into positive energy. We even decided to have a few of the neighborhood kids over for a bonfire, hot dogs and s'mores. I didn't make it past the hot dogs. My water broke as I was getting the stuff together for the s'mores. Ryan wanted us to wait to go to the hospital. I walked in on him SHAVING, yes shaving, and threatened to leave him among other things. Shaving, ladies and gentlemen, I had been in labor since the time my feet hit the floor that morning. I was sitting on beach towels, yes plural. However, we made it to the hospital and 3 short hours 50 minutes (and 10 extremely intense minutes) later, we welcomed a perfectly healthy baby girl into this world. She has not been put down since. MaryCathlin has changed our lives. She is such a gift, a lot like her big sister. She will 5 months old on Christmas. Adalynne lived for 5 days, 5 years ago this January.
With the joyous celebration that is upon us, I can't help but think of the numerous mini miracles I was given when Adalynne was here. A miracle is a miracle, no matter how small... It was Christmas Eve 2009 when I was blessed with one of those miracles. I knew our time with Adalynne was coming to a close. As happy as I was to have her in our lives during the Christmas season I knew the next year we would be mourning her loss. I put on a really good front. I was dying inside. We have a tradition in our little Vinett family. On Christmas Eve we go to Mass. Once we get home I start preparing our Christmas morning feast. The boys open their gifts from me and Ryan. Every year they get the same thing. An ornament, a pair of Christmas pajamas, and then a game we can play as a family. See the ornaments that they have been given throughout their childhood will go with them when they are ready to start decorating their own Christmas Trees. Adalynne's ornaments will stay with us. So it was Christmas Eve five years ago, when it is all I can do to stand up during Mass. I tried so hard to focus on the joyous occasion that was upon us, but all I could think of was the loss we were about to endure. I lost it, right there in the pew. As I was losing it, God gave me the gift of privacy in the midst of a thousand people. The power was lost to the church and it went dark as unavoidable tears streamed down my face. Mass is such a beautiful celebration. We are given the gifts of the body and blood of Christ. There were several times I would get emotional while I was carrying Adalynne during mass, but not to the point where I could not control my tears. On Christmas Eve I could not hold the tears back. As people were frantically searching for candles and flashlights, I gave a teary-eyed smile to the heavens above and rejoiced in the privacy I was awarded by the darkness.
Losing a child is never easy. Learning to live with the loss of a child would be unbearable without the strength my Catholic faith gives me. When do you get over it? 5 years? Nope, not yet. When will Harrison get over it? Five years? Nope, not yet. He still misses his Adalynne to the point of tears. Houston? He doesn't get emotional like Harrison does, but do NOT forget that we are a family of 7. I have five children, but I am only raising four. Houston will not let anyone forget it. Adalynne is the older sister to my sweet Hammer Jammer and MaryCathlin. Hamilton knows Adalynne is in heaven. He recognizes her in the pictures we have throughout our house. I see her fierce spirit in him. And MaryCathlin, mmmmm. She is amazing. There is also a drive that woven within the sorrow. I want to see Adalynne again some day.
I never thought I would be given the gift of raising a little girl. I get emotional when I look at her. I love her like the others, but there is this fierceness that I have never known. I know our children are a gift. And just like our tomorrows are not promised, neither are theirs. When she reached day five of life, I cried the whole day. When MaryCathlin reached day 6 of life I really cried. When MaryCathlin smiled at me for the first time I was lost in her baby blues. MaryCathlin has brought so much happiness to our lives. She is such a sweet, precious, happy, giggly little girl-and she is ours to keep! She is so sensitive, but I LOVE it. Her feelings get hurt so easily, but I am so grateful to be the one to calm her down. I am so grateful to be the one to whisper my love for her in her ear. I get lost in her eyes. It is not something I got to do with Adalynne. Although, Adalynee could sense me, she never saw me while she was here on Earth. I lose track of time starring at MaryCathlin while we are being silly. She is always in someone's arms-well, not it the car, but everywhere else. I am so blessed in so many areas of my life. MaryCathlin comes to work with me everyday, just like Hamilton did as a baby. She is surrounded by numerous women who love her, and who show her love. I don't think they know how much it means to me seeing their love for her. It isn't something I thought I would ever get the experience-truly.
The closing of this year brings 10 years of marriage to me and Ryan. The beginning of 2015 will bring a 5th birthday and the loss of Adalynne. Time heals all...is so not true. Those of us who have lost a child, it isn't the time that heals. It's the time that makes us better actors. This time every year is a struggle. There is always someone missing; a part of my heart. It is the innocence of my other children that help me through. It is their laughter. It is their temper tantrums. It is their silly ways. It is how Harrison loves hiding the Elf on the Shelf for the younger kids. It is Houston refusing to eat anything healthy other than apples. It is Hamilton talking about a 6th grade boy like he is a famous NFL player. It is how MaryCathlin gets so excited and smiles with her whole body, and then gets shy and pulls her fists to her face. It is okay to get sad, but I will not get stuck in the sorrow. There are some days it is only my faith that pulls me from the despair that hides in the back of my mind. Thankfully, those days are few and far between; but they hit sometimes out of the blue and sometimes they're triggered by a significant date or event. I miss my sweet angel. I will always miss her, but I owe it to her and to her siblings to embrace the days with joy. It is Adalynne who drives me to be the best mom I can be. It is Adalynne who drives me to listen more than I speak.
On July 25, 2014, I was busting it to get all of the boys' school supplies purchased. I was scheduled to be induced on their first day of school. My AMAZING mom was in town, from Scottsdale, Arizona, to help. We spent the day with the three boys in tow shopping. I felt terrible. I thought I was in labor, but I did not want to appear to be a drama queen. So, I did what needed to be done and finished getting the boys' school supplies, shoes, clothing, etc. etc. With each step I took the grouchier I got. I think my head even turned into a spitting monster at one point. Again, as terrible as I felt, I did not want to bring attention to my contractions and terrible backache; just in case it was not the real thing. But, that did not mean I wasn't an absolute pill. By the time 3 PM came around I knew I was in labor. I quietly told Ryan that I thought "today is the day". Ryan told me that, "today is not a good day". He was swamped with work. I just put on a plastic smile and shut the door. Once I was able to get my hands on my yoga ball I felt much better. I was able to use it to channel the discomfort into positive energy. We even decided to have a few of the neighborhood kids over for a bonfire, hot dogs and s'mores. I didn't make it past the hot dogs. My water broke as I was getting the stuff together for the s'mores. Ryan wanted us to wait to go to the hospital. I walked in on him SHAVING, yes shaving, and threatened to leave him among other things. Shaving, ladies and gentlemen, I had been in labor since the time my feet hit the floor that morning. I was sitting on beach towels, yes plural. However, we made it to the hospital and 3 short hours 50 minutes (and 10 extremely intense minutes) later, we welcomed a perfectly healthy baby girl into this world. She has not been put down since. MaryCathlin has changed our lives. She is such a gift, a lot like her big sister. She will 5 months old on Christmas. Adalynne lived for 5 days, 5 years ago this January.
With the joyous celebration that is upon us, I can't help but think of the numerous mini miracles I was given when Adalynne was here. A miracle is a miracle, no matter how small... It was Christmas Eve 2009 when I was blessed with one of those miracles. I knew our time with Adalynne was coming to a close. As happy as I was to have her in our lives during the Christmas season I knew the next year we would be mourning her loss. I put on a really good front. I was dying inside. We have a tradition in our little Vinett family. On Christmas Eve we go to Mass. Once we get home I start preparing our Christmas morning feast. The boys open their gifts from me and Ryan. Every year they get the same thing. An ornament, a pair of Christmas pajamas, and then a game we can play as a family. See the ornaments that they have been given throughout their childhood will go with them when they are ready to start decorating their own Christmas Trees. Adalynne's ornaments will stay with us. So it was Christmas Eve five years ago, when it is all I can do to stand up during Mass. I tried so hard to focus on the joyous occasion that was upon us, but all I could think of was the loss we were about to endure. I lost it, right there in the pew. As I was losing it, God gave me the gift of privacy in the midst of a thousand people. The power was lost to the church and it went dark as unavoidable tears streamed down my face. Mass is such a beautiful celebration. We are given the gifts of the body and blood of Christ. There were several times I would get emotional while I was carrying Adalynne during mass, but not to the point where I could not control my tears. On Christmas Eve I could not hold the tears back. As people were frantically searching for candles and flashlights, I gave a teary-eyed smile to the heavens above and rejoiced in the privacy I was awarded by the darkness.
Losing a child is never easy. Learning to live with the loss of a child would be unbearable without the strength my Catholic faith gives me. When do you get over it? 5 years? Nope, not yet. When will Harrison get over it? Five years? Nope, not yet. He still misses his Adalynne to the point of tears. Houston? He doesn't get emotional like Harrison does, but do NOT forget that we are a family of 7. I have five children, but I am only raising four. Houston will not let anyone forget it. Adalynne is the older sister to my sweet Hammer Jammer and MaryCathlin. Hamilton knows Adalynne is in heaven. He recognizes her in the pictures we have throughout our house. I see her fierce spirit in him. And MaryCathlin, mmmmm. She is amazing. There is also a drive that woven within the sorrow. I want to see Adalynne again some day.
I never thought I would be given the gift of raising a little girl. I get emotional when I look at her. I love her like the others, but there is this fierceness that I have never known. I know our children are a gift. And just like our tomorrows are not promised, neither are theirs. When she reached day five of life, I cried the whole day. When MaryCathlin reached day 6 of life I really cried. When MaryCathlin smiled at me for the first time I was lost in her baby blues. MaryCathlin has brought so much happiness to our lives. She is such a sweet, precious, happy, giggly little girl-and she is ours to keep! She is so sensitive, but I LOVE it. Her feelings get hurt so easily, but I am so grateful to be the one to calm her down. I am so grateful to be the one to whisper my love for her in her ear. I get lost in her eyes. It is not something I got to do with Adalynne. Although, Adalynee could sense me, she never saw me while she was here on Earth. I lose track of time starring at MaryCathlin while we are being silly. She is always in someone's arms-well, not it the car, but everywhere else. I am so blessed in so many areas of my life. MaryCathlin comes to work with me everyday, just like Hamilton did as a baby. She is surrounded by numerous women who love her, and who show her love. I don't think they know how much it means to me seeing their love for her. It isn't something I thought I would ever get the experience-truly.
The closing of this year brings 10 years of marriage to me and Ryan. The beginning of 2015 will bring a 5th birthday and the loss of Adalynne. Time heals all...is so not true. Those of us who have lost a child, it isn't the time that heals. It's the time that makes us better actors. This time every year is a struggle. There is always someone missing; a part of my heart. It is the innocence of my other children that help me through. It is their laughter. It is their temper tantrums. It is their silly ways. It is how Harrison loves hiding the Elf on the Shelf for the younger kids. It is Houston refusing to eat anything healthy other than apples. It is Hamilton talking about a 6th grade boy like he is a famous NFL player. It is how MaryCathlin gets so excited and smiles with her whole body, and then gets shy and pulls her fists to her face. It is okay to get sad, but I will not get stuck in the sorrow. There are some days it is only my faith that pulls me from the despair that hides in the back of my mind. Thankfully, those days are few and far between; but they hit sometimes out of the blue and sometimes they're triggered by a significant date or event. I miss my sweet angel. I will always miss her, but I owe it to her and to her siblings to embrace the days with joy. It is Adalynne who drives me to be the best mom I can be. It is Adalynne who drives me to listen more than I speak.
I feel so blessed and lucky to have read this for five years, and see the next chapters of the story unfurl. Yours is the story of forever, feel-it and never-give-up love. Always inspired - Beth Morrow
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