Happily Heartbroken

Happy Birthday Angel of Mine. I miss you everyday. You would be 6 years old today. 

When I actually have a moment to sit back and reflect on the last 6 years I can’t help but smile through the tears I’m fighting. As of today, Ryan and I are the parents of a Harrison (12), Houston (10), Adalynne Dior (would be 6 today), Hamilton (4) and MaryCathlin (1.5). Six years is a long time; to mourn, to have lost, to grow and heal. There is no way I could be on this side of heartbreak without my amazing faith. I had no idea how much I was loved, until I was carried through the darkest time of my life with grace. I was blessed with faith and divine strength I did not know was even possible. It was in the darkest part of my life when I found light. I cannot describe other than it was divine, and beautiful, inspirational and it opened my eyes to what it means to love like there’s no tomorrow. Loving like there was no tomorrow meant there were nights I would ask Ryan to hold the bump Adalynne had created to make sure she moved throughout the night. Six years ago, that was a long time ago. But when all you have are the memories of your child in your womb and then 5 short days on Earth, six years is an eternity. I have not held Adalynne in 6 years. I have not smelled her sweet scent in 6 years. I have not looked at her in 6 years. Through the heartbreak of watching Adalynne’s tiny coffin being lowered into the ground I was at peace, and I was gifted unshakable faith because I want to see my sweet Adalynne again. So here is what I have learned in 6 years.

                As a wife, I have learned that I love my husband fiercely. I fall more in love with him every day. I am so grateful for the life that we live together and the amazing father that he is to our children. I love the way he looks at me. He’s the best gift I have given my children. I am so blessed he is the one they get to call Dad.

                As a mother, there have been so many times that I wonder and second guess myself. There are times as a mother that I know what I am instilling in my children is the absolute truth; live your life with a loving heart. Be kind. Be grateful.  Have unshakable faith, and there is a saint for every instance in your life. I have learned in the last 6 years that juggling a career and raising 4 children is not for the weak; some days it’s not for the sane either. I say all the time that I have one foot in the crazy house. I have word finding difficulties due to absolute and utter exhaustion. I did not know one could function off so little sleep.  I can be in the middle of a conversation and completely pause, not because I forgot what I was saying but because I forgot supplies for a project that is due the next day or I remember  a figure I left out on a report that I had submitted seconds before I rushed out of the office to start the afternoon of “momming”  it. I never know the kids’ sport schedules or school schedules without looking at my “brain” (a color coded calendar the entire size of one of our kitchen walls). I will RSVP for birthday parties for the kids or a fun mom’s only event and 95% of the time I completely forget to put it on the “brain” and ultimately end up a no-show. I think I have been blacklisted in a grade or two… I have a home where someone is always yelling (usually it’s me because no one hears my nice voice), boys are tackling and wrestling (no matter how many times I have asked them to stop…or how many times someone gets a preventable injury), Hamilton is teaching MaryCathlin to climb sofas and stage dive onto pillows or the other side of the sofa or scale the window ledge that is not ground level, and a fall would definitely result in stitches or staples(no matter how many times I have fussed at him), there usually a mess in every room (Every. Room. Every. Single. Room.) Too often I tell my boys, “If, I have to ask you one more time [insert 60^th request] my head is going to spin in circles”, or “I’m setting the timer, you boys have 10 minutes to get your stuff off the floor and anything left out will be donated” or “I am about to flip my lid” and my favorite, “I. AM DONE.”  I was informed by one of my sons that it’s physically impossible for your head to spin in circles. I then caught myself about to ask him if he had ever seen the exorcist. I say the serenity prayer like it’s a song stuck on repeat. It helps me convey a loving heart. I have learned that my kids can make me turn into this crazed yelling lady who does not look like she has a loving heart.  But seriously who wipes peanut butter on a newly made slip cover that hasn’t been scotch guarded? Newly made as in it was just put on the chair and it still had sewing pins in it. It’s those moments I hope they don’t remember, but they are ones I hope I don’t forget. It’s in those moments I miss Adalynne the most. It’s those moments I realize that 6 years is a long time to forget lessons an imperfectly perfect child taught in 5 short days.  In 6 years I have learned that one day my house will be cleaned, quiet and without baby love (finger prints, dirt, I don’t even want to know what that is-marks) on every solid surface. Adalynne left behind two sets of hand prints, and they are not great quality. If you ever notice the kids’ hand prints on our windows and doors, it’s because I can’t bring myself to wipe that moment in time away and eventually in doing so I have a twinge of regret. I will wake in the middle of the night, and it won’t be the preschooler and toddler in our bed but an aging husband. I know that the days can be long, but I will turn around and the kids will be grown. I hope my kids know how much they are loved. I hope when they look back on their childhood they smile at the memories we are making, but most of all I want them to know that they are my heart and I do not take a single minute with them for granted. I hope they know that they have made my dreams come true. I need to show them more. I need to love more. I need to smile more. That is what the last 6 years have taught me.  I am happily heartbroken, because there is always someone missing.