Tis better...

I was watching Oprah a week or so ago, and there was one of my favorite comedians on her show, Steve Carell. There came a point in the show that he was able to ask her [Oprah] questions and he asked her, "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I love him and his silliness. He and Will Ferrell are my top two favorite actors. They are so free and careless in their representations of the characters they perform. I love innocence and I love to laugh. I know Mr. Carell was only joking when he asked Ms. Winfrey the question; but it got me thinking... Who said that? Do I feel the same way?

A poet from the 1800's said that; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," his name was Alfred Lord Tennyson. I pondered his question and his line of thinking for a while before I could answer his rhetorical question. Of course, my answer was based on my princess Adalynne...

In some respects, of course it is better to have loved. Adalynne's short SHORT life taught me so many things about love, about true love, and God. I have, since an adult with children, lived life day to day as a blessing from God. Ryan would get perturbed about the mundane things associated with life, and I would always remind him, " Ryan, we are so blessed. We have our health. Our children have their health. We have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs and we never go to bed hungry." I don't know if it was the fire that made me so appreciative of the life we had created with our children; or the fact that as a student nurse, I saw first time parents who had children that were not promised tomorrow. But, I knew that no matter what life had to throw at us it was only temporary, and it was in dealing with each situation that would reveal our true character and whether or not our lives would exist beyond this world or not. I was so strong in our faith; that everything here on earth was temporary, and the decisions that we made, based on the obstacles life dealt us would carry on; past this life on earth.


I knew that I loved and wanted Adalynne as much as I loved and wanted two boys who call me mom. I knew, and have known since I was a child, that I have always wanted a little girl to spoil. I knew the reason God had not given us a little girl before Adalynne was because He knew I would have bankrupted us; in hair bows, stockings, dresses, and HATS!!! Ryan and I were at a point, financially, that we could afford a little girl when Adalynne graced us with her presence.

I thought about Alfred's quote a lot before I came to my own opinion. Alfred was actually my grandfather's middle name; take of that what you will...Is it better to have loved... Adalynne brought me so much happiness and I am so honored and blessed to have been chosen, by God, to be her mother. But, in the very next sentance, I have never been so hurt and felt a loss that cut me to my core. Why did God give me Adalynne? That is a question I will ask Him when I get to meet him. I truly believe God revealed Himself to me in Adalynne. I will not go into detail; but I witnessed miracles while she was here on earth that I would have not witnessed if I had not loved her. But, are the miracles, yes I say miracles, I[we]witnessed while she was here on earth worth losing someone we so very much loved? Where would I be today, if she had never been here? I don't know. But, what I do know is this; I know God gave me Harrison. Harrison graced my presence when I wasn't "ready" to be a mom. Harrison has blessed my life in ways. I could not imagine life without him. He is a sweet sweet soul and my little scientist. God graced me with Houston. Houston was Ryan's graduation gift from college; even though he is a momma's boy through and through. And, Adalynne, God blessed us with an amazing Adalynne. She was my graduation gift. I thought the reason God waited until I was finished with nursing school to give us a little girl was because He knew how much I would spend on making her FABULOUS!!

I think and rack my brain. Is it? Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?... I know that the loss of our Adalynne has been devastating; the worst thing I have EVER gone through in my life; but, I would not have wished I had not loved her and not lost; as opposed to never loving her and never losing her. Again, losing a child is the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. And, I have gone through a lot as a child, and I thought the person I had become, due to my childhood experiences, was God's blessing. I never thought, on top of everything I had overcome as a child, I would lose a child; but due to my life[young and younger] has made me the person I am today. Yes, of course, I wish Adalynne was here; but it is because of her and everything about her that has made me the person I am today. It is life experiences that make us who we are. We can either grow or wither up and become bitter, angry people. All I want to do is grow as a person, as a result of the hurdles I have had to jump. I think about Adalynne everyday. I wish and pray everyday that she graces me with her presence in my dreams; but, that has yet to happen...