Warm Cookies, Cold Milk and Hope

Life has been going on. Time is flying by and the boys are getting older. Harrison just finished kindergarten!!! Houston just moved up to the PreK class at his school. I just started my dream job as an OB nurse and I am loving it. I was approached today at an event for Harrison, when I was asked if I still blog. I don't, not like I used to. I don't want to sound like I am whining or a "Debbie Downer." Life is what you make of it, and I am trying my best to make it wonderful. Ryan has taken losing Adalynne so hard. He is not who he used to be, and I hope with time he can heal. It is torture to sit back and watch. I am helpless. I can't mend his shattered heart. My mom came in just before Mother's Day. We spent the entire week together, but I wasn't myself. I was in a state of fog the entire week she was here. I was distant and guarded. Harrison was home almost the entire week from school due to strep throat that would not go away (a month and two antibiotics later it is finally gone). It started raining. The rain would not let up, and it rose and rose and rose; until our neighborhood was under water. I thought it was symbolic of where our young family was in our journey. Some of the members in our family are drowning in their sorrow. Our neighborhood took a huge hit, but thankfully our house was spared. My mom left the next Tuesday; before Mother's Day.

The next weekend was Mother's Day. I woke up ready to go to church. One foot in front of the other... No breakfast in bed like I have dreamed of the last six Mother's Days; but it was still a day I got to celebrate because of my wonderful children. Ryan and I have never given gifts for anything, that is until recently. For my birthday this year he got me this beautiful necklace from Anatra Jewel with an "A" on it. I saw it on their commercial and told him I wanted it, and never thought about it again. I did not think he would actually get it for me, nor did I think he was even listening to me. We were in the car on the way to church and I was already fighting the tears back. God, help me through this day. Ryan asked me if I wanted to open my gift from the boys. I didn't, but I did because I did not want to hurt his feelings. When I opened the small white box I saw a silver bracelet with three charms on it; one was silver with blue beads, the next one was silver with pink stones and the third was silver with blue stones. He said that the charms represented our three kids. I wanted to break the bracelet in half and throw it at him. I didn't want a bracelet. I wanted my kids, all three of them for Mother's Day. The tears started to fall. I wanted to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and cry without stopping or regard as to who would hear me. I wanted to scream, "WHY?!" Church was torture. It seemed that all I saw were family with three kids; two older boys and a little girl. Maybe, because that is what I was looking for subconsciously. I remember the deacon wishing the mothers a happy mother's day, he even mentioned something to the effect of, "even those mothers who have lost a child." Not only had I lost a child, but at that point I lost my composure as well. The tears started and didn't stop. After church we went to visit Adalynne's grave. How unfair, I thought, I have to visit my child at her grave on mother's day. It was the hardest day, even harder than the day we laid her in the ground. It made flashbacks of her last day with us so vivid and so real it was hard to breath. Adalynne did not want to leave us, and her last day here on earth was very long and very tiring. She tried so hard to hold on for us, but her heart would not let her. It simply gave out. If only her body was as strong as her spirit. I saw things and experienced things on her last day that no mother should ever have to witness, but at least I could still hold her; even if her heart wasn't beating. I could still kiss her and thank her for being mine. And then, I changed. I am not the person I was, but I try everyday to find her. Some days it is a struggle, and other days I don't find her at all. I know there is not magic number or amount of time that my heart will heal, but as the time goes on I think I am doing really well; until I have a day like I did on mother's day. I move forward and I regress. I know life is a long road and some parts are a bumpier incline than others, and some days you coast. It is the incline that makes me realize how amazing it is to coast. I am just waiting for the next downhill where I can coast with the windows down and sun shining warmly on my face. But, until then I make an effort to see the beauty in each day. Today's effort made me realize how chocolate chip cookies can make life so much more sweeter. I made the police, who have camped out in front of neighborhood due to the looters, chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies. The first time I made them cookies I burned them a little, but today they were perfect and gooey. I let the boys have one each, and then one turned into the entire batch and even some of the oatmeal raisin cookies. The police can wait. I saw true beauty in their enjoyment of warm cookies and cold milk. The chocolate covered mouths and fingers were sweet, and I saw a glimpse of her. I found beauty in something as simple as a child's enjoyment of a cookie, and it felt vaguely familiar.