I Dreamed a Dream...
I have not written in a very long time. It is funny, when Adalynne was here I wanted to write and share her story; but, it is like that drive died with her. It isn't that I don't think about her or share our experience with anyone who will listen; it is just different. I don't smell her anymore and anything that held her smell has since lost it. I don't sit in our bedroom alone crying hysterically after the boys have been put to bed; rather the tears fall silently on the rare occasion or I get a lump in my throat that starts to hurt because I hold them back. I don't think it is the time that has helped me heal. It is in the time since she was here, and then gone that I was able to accept the fact that she will forever be in heaven. I have learned to live with a piece of my heart missing. I wish Hamilton could have met his amazingly wonderful big sister.
The time it ticking down until baby number 4's arrival. I am 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant due on Mother's Day!!! Harrison is on his spring break from 1st grade. Houston has been accepted into the same school his big brother goes to and will start in the fall. I cannot believe how old my baby boys are getting! I am still able to work three 12 hour shifts as a whale of a nurse. As I walk to patients' rooms I jokingly say, "waddle waddle". Ryan's company, MediaTree, continues to grow. My mom is cancer FREE!!! She has only one more surgery and we will be able to put the cancer behind us! And then comes Ham! We are so looking forward to making "Ham Sandwiches," his fat little self lying between me and Ryan. He is measuring big and it is getting tight. I have to sit with very good posture in order to breathe. Everything has checked out so far, but there is that little voice in the back of my mind that never sleeps. What if... it has happened before. Hamilton does not have a nursery, we have the essentials and that is it. I have not shared this very much, but I know the reason we have yet to have a shower or do anything out of the essential is that we have been down that road before and had everything ripped from under us. It was so painful after Adalynne was gone, going through her unused stuff trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. We kept everything she touched, wore or that was special for one reason or another. I remember right after she died I would pray every night asking God to please let her visit me in a dream, but it never happened. Well, earlier this week I had a dream about Adalynne. She was about 14 months old (where she would be if she were here today) and an adorable chunky muffin. There had been a flood. Dave Ramsey's house was not touched so we were on his couch watching the water down below and all the destruction. Then the attention turned to the prettiest girl in the whole universe. Some guy with blond hair was going on and on about Adalynne's cuteness, as I was changing her pink cardigan. And that was it... It seems so silly and so simple, but for me it was just enough.
The time it ticking down until baby number 4's arrival. I am 33 weeks and 2 days pregnant due on Mother's Day!!! Harrison is on his spring break from 1st grade. Houston has been accepted into the same school his big brother goes to and will start in the fall. I cannot believe how old my baby boys are getting! I am still able to work three 12 hour shifts as a whale of a nurse. As I walk to patients' rooms I jokingly say, "waddle waddle". Ryan's company, MediaTree, continues to grow. My mom is cancer FREE!!! She has only one more surgery and we will be able to put the cancer behind us! And then comes Ham! We are so looking forward to making "Ham Sandwiches," his fat little self lying between me and Ryan. He is measuring big and it is getting tight. I have to sit with very good posture in order to breathe. Everything has checked out so far, but there is that little voice in the back of my mind that never sleeps. What if... it has happened before. Hamilton does not have a nursery, we have the essentials and that is it. I have not shared this very much, but I know the reason we have yet to have a shower or do anything out of the essential is that we have been down that road before and had everything ripped from under us. It was so painful after Adalynne was gone, going through her unused stuff trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. We kept everything she touched, wore or that was special for one reason or another. I remember right after she died I would pray every night asking God to please let her visit me in a dream, but it never happened. Well, earlier this week I had a dream about Adalynne. She was about 14 months old (where she would be if she were here today) and an adorable chunky muffin. There had been a flood. Dave Ramsey's house was not touched so we were on his couch watching the water down below and all the destruction. Then the attention turned to the prettiest girl in the whole universe. Some guy with blond hair was going on and on about Adalynne's cuteness, as I was changing her pink cardigan. And that was it... It seems so silly and so simple, but for me it was just enough.
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