When this Time of Year Comes 'Round
As I sit here watching my two big boys playing hockey on the X-Box and baby Hamilton soaking in every movement they make it helps my longing heart. Tomorrow Ryan and I will celebrate our seven year anniversary. We have been through some wonderful time these last seven years, and a lifetime of heart ache. I thought Houston had meningitis and would forever be affected, a fire, losing a child, 1000 year flood, and cancer. There is a small part of me, maybe two percent who asks why did it have to be us. Why did it have to be my baby girl? Why is it, that we have to buy ornaments for her that she has never opened? Why is it that instead of planning her second birthday, I am at Michael's picking out new flowers that will stand the rain? Why is it that when I think of her birthday, I immediately think five days? Born January 4, 2010, died January 9, 2010. I don't long for the idea of Adalynne. I miss my little girl. The one who I got to hold, kiss, watch sleep and whisper words of gratitude. But, that is only two percent. The voice in my head I try to ignore, because it only makes me sad. I was talking to my mom the other day, expressing to her how much I wish we could move. We bought our condo when I was twenty two year old, at the peak of the market. Since the flood of May 2010, they are selling for half of what we paid for our condo. Even though we did not get flooded from the May 2010, our children have flooded our condo twice. I am not going to name names, but one of children likes to flush toys and electric razors down the toilet. This has happened twice, and twice we have replaced our floors without the help of insurance. I was telling my mom that every time I pull up to our condo I think this is where we held Adalynne in our arms until she took her last breath. This is where our daughter died. Again, that is only two percent of me. This is where we were blessed enough to bring her home. She got to come home, here to this condo! Something we did not think would happen.
The other ninety eight percent of me thinks we were and are so very blessed. I was chosen to be her mother. Why me? What was it that God saw in me, and in us? To trust us with a life so special that in only thirty four weeks in my womb and five days gracing the earth with her presence changed minds and softened hearts. Adalynne was sent here to heal and to help. She instills hope into those who have no faith. She, all three pounds of her, was 100% pro-love. She helps me be a better wife and mother. Adalynne makes me realize what is truly important in life. I know that the decisions I make while I am here on earth will carry over, and one day I want to hold my baby girl again so I try to live each day with the grace of the holy spirit. There are some days I do much better than others.
For the first several months of Hamilton's life I would get so emotional every time I looked at him. I saw Adalynne every time I laid my eyes on his, and I thanked her. Had it not been for Adalynne, I truly believe in my heart Hamilton would not be here. He is such an amazing person. It is like he knows he was sent here to heal our hearts. He is so happy, easy going and simply wonderful. And now when I look at him my heart swells with love and I just smile!
This time of year brings more tears and makes me long for the daughter and the little sister we lost, but it also makes me realize what a gift we have been given. We have been given a gift in a daughter, a fighter, a sister and a miracle. I look to the sky, ask God to hold me tight and guide me through with the grace and dignity that will resonate with Harrison and Houston a message of love and faith.
The other ninety eight percent of me thinks we were and are so very blessed. I was chosen to be her mother. Why me? What was it that God saw in me, and in us? To trust us with a life so special that in only thirty four weeks in my womb and five days gracing the earth with her presence changed minds and softened hearts. Adalynne was sent here to heal and to help. She instills hope into those who have no faith. She, all three pounds of her, was 100% pro-love. She helps me be a better wife and mother. Adalynne makes me realize what is truly important in life. I know that the decisions I make while I am here on earth will carry over, and one day I want to hold my baby girl again so I try to live each day with the grace of the holy spirit. There are some days I do much better than others.
For the first several months of Hamilton's life I would get so emotional every time I looked at him. I saw Adalynne every time I laid my eyes on his, and I thanked her. Had it not been for Adalynne, I truly believe in my heart Hamilton would not be here. He is such an amazing person. It is like he knows he was sent here to heal our hearts. He is so happy, easy going and simply wonderful. And now when I look at him my heart swells with love and I just smile!
This time of year brings more tears and makes me long for the daughter and the little sister we lost, but it also makes me realize what a gift we have been given. We have been given a gift in a daughter, a fighter, a sister and a miracle. I look to the sky, ask God to hold me tight and guide me through with the grace and dignity that will resonate with Harrison and Houston a message of love and faith.
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