Pro-Love
With the HHS mandate making headlines and breaking hearts, I can't help but think of Adalynne. Whether your are pro-life or pro-choice, the fact that the government has mandated what Catholic organizations can and cannot do is fundamentally wrong. A Jewish Temple would never be mandated to provide pork to their "non-kosher" employees. A Muslim woman would not be mandated not to wear her hijab on an airplane ride. I am Catholic and I am blessed to say that I am.I am obviously pro-life, but it is more than that. It is deeper.
I would never make judgement on a woman who made the heart wrenching decision to end her own child's life. I pray that she finds peace in her decision. The way I see it, is that it is not a pro-life or pro-choice argument. It is a disgusting violation on the Catholic religion, blurring the ability to determine where the line should be drawn in religious freedom.
I was told by three different doctors from three different practices that I should abort Adalynne. One said that I, "need to think about me and my health." The second one said something about grocery store outings (see post from 10/10/09 "What Do You Say?"). The third one gave me statistics on the lives of those who have been diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and their quality of life. Having that decision handed to me, there it was in my face being asked so are you pro-choice or pro-life. Here is your chance. I remember putting my face in my hands crying out, "I don't want to go to hell!" As if I needed to justify being pro-love, and not wanting to kill my child. The decision was not only influenced by my religion, but because our daughter was wanted. Even though an act my husband and I made resulted in Adalynne's beating heart, her life was hers. Just because the body she had wasn't perfect, I was not going to end her life; even with the medical advice we were given.
Where are the lines drawn? Adalynne was given a terminal diagnoses, and I was strongly encouraged by three doctors to end her life; as Ryan sat silently beside me with tear filled eyes. He was, for once, at a loss for words. I went against medical advice. The reason I say, "I" is because my actions directly impacted Adalynne's life, not Ryan's. Because, I went against medical advice because of my religion "per se" would this HHS mandate affect whether or not my medical bills would have been covered? See, a lot of times when a patient goes against medical advice several times, the insurance company will not cover their medical bills, related to whatever it was that the patient went against. For example, if a gestational diabetic had been admitted to the hospital to have her blood glucose levels "fixed" and got annoyed with the diet, finger sticks and insulin injections and left AMA before her levels were within a safe range some insurance companies would not cover the next hospitalization because she did not follow the medical advice. I got really sick, which was suspected because of Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities. It is often called "mirror syndrome". Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities influenced my placenta. I got sick, because Adalynne was "chromosomally" sick. I developed pregnancy induced hypertension and then HELLP syndrome. The HELLP syndrome is what ultimately lead to her very costly early delivery. I got to meet Adalynne, her tiny unique body with her huge spirit. In those sixteen weeks, from diagnosis to her birth, I learned lessons and gained wisdom well beyond my twenty eight years. When I think of that time in my life, I am filled with a sense of peace. This is the path we were meant to walk, but not alone it has been paved with God's grace. Yes, I lost a child. I get really sad and miss her terribly from Christmas until January 13th when we laid her in the ground. That day was so hard. I wanted to dig her up. Mom's are suppose to protect their children, not leave them in the ground. Not walk away when it is freezing. But, that was only one heart shattering day. The gifts we were given far out number the days where I didn't think I could function because of grief. Had I made the decision to end her life at twenty weeks, as suggested, it would have ended in a hospital room-a sterile hospital room. I would have thought what if, what if they doctor's were wrong. Did I make the right choice? There are so many decisions I have made, especially in my teenage years and mid-twenties, that still to this day make me cringe. Why was I so stupid? What was I thinking? That was not me! When looking back and making the wrong decisions, I can't hold my head high. All I can do, is seek forgiveness. Time and time again, decisions I made were not in line with faith, and I have regrets. But, when it comes to life that is not a decision I can make. I chose to love, and to do everything in my powers to make sure they know they are loved-from first breath until the last beat of their hearts or mine. It isn't a pro-choice or a pro-life thing at all, it is a pro-love thing.
I would never make judgement on a woman who made the heart wrenching decision to end her own child's life. I pray that she finds peace in her decision. The way I see it, is that it is not a pro-life or pro-choice argument. It is a disgusting violation on the Catholic religion, blurring the ability to determine where the line should be drawn in religious freedom.
I was told by three different doctors from three different practices that I should abort Adalynne. One said that I, "need to think about me and my health." The second one said something about grocery store outings (see post from 10/10/09 "What Do You Say?"). The third one gave me statistics on the lives of those who have been diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and their quality of life. Having that decision handed to me, there it was in my face being asked so are you pro-choice or pro-life. Here is your chance. I remember putting my face in my hands crying out, "I don't want to go to hell!" As if I needed to justify being pro-love, and not wanting to kill my child. The decision was not only influenced by my religion, but because our daughter was wanted. Even though an act my husband and I made resulted in Adalynne's beating heart, her life was hers. Just because the body she had wasn't perfect, I was not going to end her life; even with the medical advice we were given.
Where are the lines drawn? Adalynne was given a terminal diagnoses, and I was strongly encouraged by three doctors to end her life; as Ryan sat silently beside me with tear filled eyes. He was, for once, at a loss for words. I went against medical advice. The reason I say, "I" is because my actions directly impacted Adalynne's life, not Ryan's. Because, I went against medical advice because of my religion "per se" would this HHS mandate affect whether or not my medical bills would have been covered? See, a lot of times when a patient goes against medical advice several times, the insurance company will not cover their medical bills, related to whatever it was that the patient went against. For example, if a gestational diabetic had been admitted to the hospital to have her blood glucose levels "fixed" and got annoyed with the diet, finger sticks and insulin injections and left AMA before her levels were within a safe range some insurance companies would not cover the next hospitalization because she did not follow the medical advice. I got really sick, which was suspected because of Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities. It is often called "mirror syndrome". Adalynne's chromosomal abnormalities influenced my placenta. I got sick, because Adalynne was "chromosomally" sick. I developed pregnancy induced hypertension and then HELLP syndrome. The HELLP syndrome is what ultimately lead to her very costly early delivery. I got to meet Adalynne, her tiny unique body with her huge spirit. In those sixteen weeks, from diagnosis to her birth, I learned lessons and gained wisdom well beyond my twenty eight years. When I think of that time in my life, I am filled with a sense of peace. This is the path we were meant to walk, but not alone it has been paved with God's grace. Yes, I lost a child. I get really sad and miss her terribly from Christmas until January 13th when we laid her in the ground. That day was so hard. I wanted to dig her up. Mom's are suppose to protect their children, not leave them in the ground. Not walk away when it is freezing. But, that was only one heart shattering day. The gifts we were given far out number the days where I didn't think I could function because of grief. Had I made the decision to end her life at twenty weeks, as suggested, it would have ended in a hospital room-a sterile hospital room. I would have thought what if, what if they doctor's were wrong. Did I make the right choice? There are so many decisions I have made, especially in my teenage years and mid-twenties, that still to this day make me cringe. Why was I so stupid? What was I thinking? That was not me! When looking back and making the wrong decisions, I can't hold my head high. All I can do, is seek forgiveness. Time and time again, decisions I made were not in line with faith, and I have regrets. But, when it comes to life that is not a decision I can make. I chose to love, and to do everything in my powers to make sure they know they are loved-from first breath until the last beat of their hearts or mine. It isn't a pro-choice or a pro-life thing at all, it is a pro-love thing.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be told, or advised, to abort your baby. We didn't do an amniocentesis until 22 weeks (and we only did it then because we wanted the best doctors for our daughter, which meant I did not want to deliver at BACH) and we didn't get the final results until 31 or 32 weeks after I was already in the hospital because my water had broke. Aborting wasn't an option even if I had wanted it because I was so far along. But my husband and I both agreed that no matter what was wrong with our little girl we would love her and cherish her for however long she was here. Luckily, she's doing well, even though doctors can't really tell us anything about the future. She's 5 months old, 8lbs, and absolutely perfect in my eyes. You have a beautiful family. And I think you absolutely made the right choice! What a wonderful mother you seem to be.
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