A Place for a Princess
As I sit here and think about years past I can't help but wonder if the lessons I have learned along the way have stayed with me. There are these certain dates every year that bring emotions. It's emotions with the numbers, the "ary's", the "ber's" that are brought out. Whether they're happy emotions, sad, or indifferent those dates stand out in our minds and hearts. It's not the number of a date, but it's the events that happened on those days that either define who we are, shaped us in some way, or forever changed our lives.
I know every year on January 22 I get a year older. On January 4, 2010 we brought an amazing little girl into this world. January 7, 2003 at the ripe age of 19, I found out I was going to be a mom for the first time. January 7, 2003 I became an adult; my life was no longer all about me. January 8, 2003 I told my mom her child was having a child. On January 9, 2010 our daughter went home. That day a part of me died. January 13, 2010 I did something that was against every maternal instinct. It was unthinkable. I left my daughter cold and alone. I had to walk away, as the voice screamed in my head to get her; hold her. That day started a Mother's Day tradition; every year after Mass we go see Adalynne at her final resting place. I thank her for the time she was with us, and for the lessons she taught me. Man, I hope I never forget. Maybe, that's the problem... I am hoping instead of praying, Jesus please don't let me forget.
Tomorrow marks another day I will never forget. On September 15, 2009 our world was forever changed. I was with one of my best friends from nursing school, Shelia and my husband Ryan. We were all so excited to see Adalynne at her 20 week anomaly screen. We were blissfully ignorant. I don't want to go through and write about the details of that day, because that was one of the days a part of me went missing. We found out that, those 20 week ultrasound aren't just about finding out if you're going to buy pink or blue but to look for anomalies. Our sweet Ladybug had plenty. I learned a new medical term that day, Trisomy 13.
On September 17, 2009 I learned that my worst fear became a reality. We were given the worst case scenario. Adalynne had Trisomy 13. It was incompatible with life outside of my belly. While a part of me died that day, another part of me was born. That day and in the days of the months to come I became this amazingly strong woman and mother. This strength I never knew I was capable of came forth. I was able to find joy, acceptance, and peace in many of the moments of the days that followed. I was given a beautiful gift; grace. Those months while I carried our Adalynne Dior I knew peace. While everyday I woke with a broken heart, I was given the grace throughout those days to see the joy that I had overlooked in times past. I ENJOYED GAINING 85 POUNDS; every OUNCE!!!! I found joy in ladybugs, sunrises, sunsets, pink, and thanking God for choosing us to be Adalynne's parents.
Four years ago tomorrow, the date that it represents will probably be hard; but it was a date that I was forever changed for the better. But, if the events that happened on that day four years ago tomorrow had never happened Hammer Jammer would more then likely not be with us. There are so many gifts that because of September 15 and 17, 2009 I have been given. One is my love of ladybugs. Today I started decorating a room in our house that is Adalynne's Room, tomorrow it will be partially finished, and next week when the chandelier gets delivered it will be complete. Who has a room that is pink and very girly while raising three sons? One, representing and honoring her Little Ladybug. Although, it is not finished I can't help but smile when I open the door and see a tiny lady bug I painted on the ceiling.
I know every year on January 22 I get a year older. On January 4, 2010 we brought an amazing little girl into this world. January 7, 2003 at the ripe age of 19, I found out I was going to be a mom for the first time. January 7, 2003 I became an adult; my life was no longer all about me. January 8, 2003 I told my mom her child was having a child. On January 9, 2010 our daughter went home. That day a part of me died. January 13, 2010 I did something that was against every maternal instinct. It was unthinkable. I left my daughter cold and alone. I had to walk away, as the voice screamed in my head to get her; hold her. That day started a Mother's Day tradition; every year after Mass we go see Adalynne at her final resting place. I thank her for the time she was with us, and for the lessons she taught me. Man, I hope I never forget. Maybe, that's the problem... I am hoping instead of praying, Jesus please don't let me forget.
Tomorrow marks another day I will never forget. On September 15, 2009 our world was forever changed. I was with one of my best friends from nursing school, Shelia and my husband Ryan. We were all so excited to see Adalynne at her 20 week anomaly screen. We were blissfully ignorant. I don't want to go through and write about the details of that day, because that was one of the days a part of me went missing. We found out that, those 20 week ultrasound aren't just about finding out if you're going to buy pink or blue but to look for anomalies. Our sweet Ladybug had plenty. I learned a new medical term that day, Trisomy 13.
On September 17, 2009 I learned that my worst fear became a reality. We were given the worst case scenario. Adalynne had Trisomy 13. It was incompatible with life outside of my belly. While a part of me died that day, another part of me was born. That day and in the days of the months to come I became this amazingly strong woman and mother. This strength I never knew I was capable of came forth. I was able to find joy, acceptance, and peace in many of the moments of the days that followed. I was given a beautiful gift; grace. Those months while I carried our Adalynne Dior I knew peace. While everyday I woke with a broken heart, I was given the grace throughout those days to see the joy that I had overlooked in times past. I ENJOYED GAINING 85 POUNDS; every OUNCE!!!! I found joy in ladybugs, sunrises, sunsets, pink, and thanking God for choosing us to be Adalynne's parents.
Four years ago tomorrow, the date that it represents will probably be hard; but it was a date that I was forever changed for the better. But, if the events that happened on that day four years ago tomorrow had never happened Hammer Jammer would more then likely not be with us. There are so many gifts that because of September 15 and 17, 2009 I have been given. One is my love of ladybugs. Today I started decorating a room in our house that is Adalynne's Room, tomorrow it will be partially finished, and next week when the chandelier gets delivered it will be complete. Who has a room that is pink and very girly while raising three sons? One, representing and honoring her Little Ladybug. Although, it is not finished I can't help but smile when I open the door and see a tiny lady bug I painted on the ceiling.
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