Mom's Mom
I sit here in silent reflection I'm reminded of His love and grace. Grace is love we do not deserve. At the end of particularly hectic morning once the kids are dropped off, do you ever have regrets? There's one morning in particular that comes to my mind.
As moms in today's world we juggle a lot. Whether it's a demanding career outside the home or inside there are days we fall short. We're constantly being inundated with noise. Noise to me, is anything that takes away my purpose of being a mom; to raise saints.
Lately my actions are more likely to raise anything but a saint. I have allowed too many distractions to take the focus away from my ability to be the mom my kids deserve. So here's an open letter to my children:
You are a dream come true. I did not know love until God blessed me with you. I will never forget the first time I literally felt my heart grow as I nursed our newborn. It was unlike any feeling I had ever felt before, and that was when I knew I was put on this Earth to be a mom. It's a constant struggle to raise saints. I am not always kind. You know what? Sometimes I am down right vile. What happened to me? Where did that mom go, the one who vowed to ensure her children knew they were my reason to go on after losing their sister? Where did that mom go, the one who knew her fourth child was a gift to help heal our hearts, or the one who was tickled beyond pink because she never knew her reality would include raising a little girl? I have done the most unnatural thing as a mother. I walked away from my baby in the freezing cold of January. I left her in the ground and I walked away. I walked away from my baby. It was a slow journey to the limo, the frozen ground under my feet, it's nearly a decade later and I can still hear the painful sound of walking away. That's a loss that radically changed the root of who I am. In losing her I found unshakable faith, that I put before all else.
I will never forget the time I was devastatingly driving. I can't remember where I was going, but I was grasping to try to take a hold of my new world without her. This car ran a red light; as the car sped past me I thought, "how can the world move on? Why is that person in such a hurry to the point they would risk their life to get somewhere faster?" I remember thinking this world kept going as mine seemed to have shattered with the #13.
As time has gone on I have learned to live in a world without her in it. But as time has marched on, have I slowly forgotten all the lessons she taught me? I thought so, until this weekend.
Being the mother of five children, raising four is challenging to say the least, especially when said mom is an extreme introvert raising four children with ADHD. My children did not chose for me to be their mom. God gifted me with them and only temporarily. I can't promise I will not get mad if I sit on urine or fall into an unflushed toilet at 2am. But I can promise to ask for God's grace as your dad and I raise you to be a saint. I will try not to let my exhaustion seep into your life. Regardless of what the day holds this one and the ones to come you will never question my love for our faith or my love for you. I am going to ask for divine intervention on the days, no hopefully not days but moments when otherwise I show anything but love.
You're a gift! I am so grateful out of all the moms in the world God chose me to be your mom. I promise I will be more patient with your independence as you're getting closer and closer to leaving our nest. I promise to be more patient with you when you're not hearing what I am saying. I promise to be more patient with you when your OCD tendencies rear their ugly heads. I will be patient with you when I do not understand why tears are staining your cheeks. I had forgotten my purpose. I found it today along with a ladybug on the statue of Mary when I came outside to pray. I thank God that you're mine. I hope it's in the love I have shown you that you see a glimpse of Christ and the love he has for you. I needed a weekend away to be mothered. I needed to be surrounded by moms who are blessed with the Catholic faith. I needed a weekend away where I was surrounded by sisters. I needed a weekend away where I was taken care of, where my days were filled with prayer, presentations and silent reflection. I needed the time away to be reminded of Mary's love for her child, thus her love for us. I was reminded that this time here on Earth is fleeting and the most important thing I can do for you, my child, is to love Christ and live in accordance with His love. It's a gift I am most grateful for. I love you, my child.
As moms in today's world we juggle a lot. Whether it's a demanding career outside the home or inside there are days we fall short. We're constantly being inundated with noise. Noise to me, is anything that takes away my purpose of being a mom; to raise saints.
Lately my actions are more likely to raise anything but a saint. I have allowed too many distractions to take the focus away from my ability to be the mom my kids deserve. So here's an open letter to my children:
You are a dream come true. I did not know love until God blessed me with you. I will never forget the first time I literally felt my heart grow as I nursed our newborn. It was unlike any feeling I had ever felt before, and that was when I knew I was put on this Earth to be a mom. It's a constant struggle to raise saints. I am not always kind. You know what? Sometimes I am down right vile. What happened to me? Where did that mom go, the one who vowed to ensure her children knew they were my reason to go on after losing their sister? Where did that mom go, the one who knew her fourth child was a gift to help heal our hearts, or the one who was tickled beyond pink because she never knew her reality would include raising a little girl? I have done the most unnatural thing as a mother. I walked away from my baby in the freezing cold of January. I left her in the ground and I walked away. I walked away from my baby. It was a slow journey to the limo, the frozen ground under my feet, it's nearly a decade later and I can still hear the painful sound of walking away. That's a loss that radically changed the root of who I am. In losing her I found unshakable faith, that I put before all else.
I will never forget the time I was devastatingly driving. I can't remember where I was going, but I was grasping to try to take a hold of my new world without her. This car ran a red light; as the car sped past me I thought, "how can the world move on? Why is that person in such a hurry to the point they would risk their life to get somewhere faster?" I remember thinking this world kept going as mine seemed to have shattered with the #13.
As time has gone on I have learned to live in a world without her in it. But as time has marched on, have I slowly forgotten all the lessons she taught me? I thought so, until this weekend.
Being the mother of five children, raising four is challenging to say the least, especially when said mom is an extreme introvert raising four children with ADHD. My children did not chose for me to be their mom. God gifted me with them and only temporarily. I can't promise I will not get mad if I sit on urine or fall into an unflushed toilet at 2am. But I can promise to ask for God's grace as your dad and I raise you to be a saint. I will try not to let my exhaustion seep into your life. Regardless of what the day holds this one and the ones to come you will never question my love for our faith or my love for you. I am going to ask for divine intervention on the days, no hopefully not days but moments when otherwise I show anything but love.
You're a gift! I am so grateful out of all the moms in the world God chose me to be your mom. I promise I will be more patient with your independence as you're getting closer and closer to leaving our nest. I promise to be more patient with you when you're not hearing what I am saying. I promise to be more patient with you when your OCD tendencies rear their ugly heads. I will be patient with you when I do not understand why tears are staining your cheeks. I had forgotten my purpose. I found it today along with a ladybug on the statue of Mary when I came outside to pray. I thank God that you're mine. I hope it's in the love I have shown you that you see a glimpse of Christ and the love he has for you. I needed a weekend away to be mothered. I needed to be surrounded by moms who are blessed with the Catholic faith. I needed a weekend away where I was surrounded by sisters. I needed a weekend away where I was taken care of, where my days were filled with prayer, presentations and silent reflection. I needed the time away to be reminded of Mary's love for her child, thus her love for us. I was reminded that this time here on Earth is fleeting and the most important thing I can do for you, my child, is to love Christ and live in accordance with His love. It's a gift I am most grateful for. I love you, my child.
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