I’m Gonna Let it Shine

We can’t help someone who refuses to help themself. A life time of reckless abandonment leads to destruction. We can out run the demons that cause us to numb our pain with alcohol, drugs, excessive spending, etc. and eventually our steps falter. I have recently witnessed not only a misstep, but legs that refused to support a man who only knew surrender to everything that leads to hopelessness. It put me at a crossroad and the only way I knew to turn was around and back to those who have never gotten a choice. My children did not get to chose me or their dad. But we chose to give them everything we never had. A home cemented in Christ. We will never fully abandon our children; physically or emotionally. Dont get me wrong, there are days I tap out the moment my husband walks through the door, but that’s one of the beauties of having a home with a mom and a loving father. 

This afternoon when I looked into the brown eyes swimming in a pool of yellow, I knew it was probably the last time I’d look at my dad. I didn’t chose this. His body is so broken from the choices he has made he can’t sit, stand and his mind is gone. 

These last few days he often confused me with those he chose over me, of course he did. It’s what he knows. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t initially bother me. It also gave me a chance to remind myself that my Heavenly Father will never forget my identity (the one I show to the world and the one I keep hidden in my heart). I saw a picture of my dad in the hospital. He looked like he lived under a bridge. What happene to the beautiful man I knew as a child? When I saw the filth under his nails his neglect of self, I didn’t think twice. I might have forgotten my pajamas, underwear and exercise clothes in a neatly folded pile on the foot of my bed, but I didn’t forget the bag filled with what was needed to clean his hands and feet.  My earthly parents may have failed me, but my Heavenly Father’s love is perfect. This reminder was repeated over and over when I was kneeling in front of him, washing the filth and dirt from his feet, as he forgot the name he gave me, over and over. I left the things of heaven and walked into his hell. It was his daughter, whom he abandoned at age 5, forgetting all the hurt and the trauma his leaving did to that little girl, humbling herself on the biohazard floor because everyone deserves cleanliness. 

Deep seeded wounds of unworthiness left me thinking if my own dad can walk away without looking back I must be unlovable. I knew the song “This little light of mine” as a child but that was the extent of faith I knew when I was a small child. A song I learned in preschool. It is our duty to teach our children how to get to heaven. It’s the sacrificial love we show them. It’s the entire reason we are here. Our children are such a precious gift. I will continue to show that love to my children. I do not dwell on the past rather provide my children what I never had. 

I’ll never know what happened to my dad for him to be so broken he could only live life a slave to the bottle and drug use. When I was younger I use to think it was the only way he was able to fall asleep at night; leaving his children in not one but two marriages. Addiction is a cunning disease. It leaves a trail of destruction not only for the one addicted, but the ones who cross their path. It’s never too late to get clean. Nothing is outside of forgiveness but just like sobriety, the one running and numbing has to seek it.