Buried Dreams

I think it started last Friday, but I am not sure what day it was exactly. But, whatever the day, I received the initial phone call that stopped me in my tracks. I live in a constant state of fogginess marked with sadness. It is like I am continuously suppressing a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach, like morning sickness only nothing makes it go away. Friday night is movie night at our house. It is the one night a week the boys get to have root beer (Houston calls it "fruit beer"- which drives Harrison crazy). It is a treat we all look forward to on Fridays, along with the pizza and movie. We go to Papa Murphy's and get one sausage pizza and one veggie delite pizza, and while those are being prepared, we go to the video store and pick out a movie or two. Since Harrison was at a friend's house playing after school, it was just me and Houston. He picked out a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video and I grabbed the latest Ice Age movie. Houston and I were pulling up to our home when my phone rang. It was the funeral home. When we started planning Adalynne's funeral, I made sure of several things; I made sure the funeral home could store her casket at the funeral home along with the outfit she was going to be buried in until the actual funeral. Three different people at the funeral home confirmed and agreed to store Adalynne's things, including the Director who oversees all of the funeral homes owned by this company in Nashville. I also made it very clear that we were going to be paying for the funeral in full, much thanks to the help of Ryan's mom, and to please not contact me anymore once the payment went through. They could contact my mom if they needed anything. It was just too painful for me. I was being so selfish. I know this is something my mom is going through as well, but I was still subjecting her to the pain of planning a funeral. The caskets the funeral home offered for Adalynne looked like a Styrofoam cooler with a red handle; you know the kind you would see at a gas station. I know it does not matter what she is buried in, but that is not a memory I want to hold in my heart and mind for the rest of my life. So, I ordered a beautiful casket off the Internet along with the clothing she will be buried in. I called the funeral home telling them to look for the casket because I was ordering it and I wanted to come by to make sure it was not damaged in the process. "Okay, that's fine, make sure you make the shipment out to "blank name," (giving me the woman's name we have been working with at the funeral home), she said also providing me the physical street address. It took about a week and a half from the time I called the funeral home to tell them I had ordered the casket until the casket was actually "delivered". Well, I got the phone call on Friday night and it was her, from the funeral home, telling me that they tried to deliver Adalynne's casket, but they sent it back because no one knew anything about it. Were they serious???? "Oh, and by the way, do you mind if the casket is stored at your mom's because we can't store it here," she asks nonchalantly. I was being tortured. This was absolute torture. My heart was being ripped out of my chest. Just because I may not cry in front of people who are not my family, does not mean that this is, in any way, easy for me. It doesn't mean that when all of the planning is finished and the end of the day is upon me, and with my boys safely asleep in their beds, Ryan watching TV or working downstairs, I don't turn on the fan in our room to drown out the sound and let my wails go. I do completely lose it until there are no more tears to cry. And I mourn over our buried dreams. Especially, when I think about after she is gone and my body readies itself to care for a newborn, but my newborn will have already moved on to a bigger and better place. How am I going to handle my milk "coming in" with no baby to feed? Will I be strong enough? God hold me. Last week was just one torture after the other. On Thursday, I had contractions all day but they did not become regular until the afternoon. I was in line to pick up Harrison from school when I started timing the contractions. I was terrified. This is not how I imagined Adalynne's arrival. What about the maternity photo shoot? The one that was centered around her in my belly... We didn't even have a hospital bag ready. With a shaking hand, I called my doctor to tell them the contractions had started regularly. Long story short, they were able to stop the contractions. Thank you, Lord. Everyone in my family was on standby, waiting to see if they needed to get on a flight. My family is absolutely amazing. Thank you, God. And all I wanted to do was hide. I now have to take it easier. I spend my days with Adalynne just the two of us, getting lost in a series of books. I can't thank God enough for the way the torturous week ended. Last Sunday, we had a photo shoot for our Ladybug Adalynne. The boys wore their Christmas outfits, which happened to be black, red, white, and grey. Ryan painted a ladybug on my belly for Adalynne and it was too cute!! Chloe, our dog, even had a new red collar with white polka dots on it. The photo shoot was amazing. I have to give thanks to an amazing family at Houston's school who selflessly gave us a beautiful gift that captures a moment in time when Adalynne was here and with us. Ilde Cook is an amazing photographer. Her work is too cute, check it out, http://www.memorysnap.net/. I can't wait to see the final product! We had finished the family pictures and it was just Ilde, me, and Adalynne. I was standing outside in the beautiful fall weather posing with Adalynne, sticking out my belly that represented her sweet baby life. I couldn't help but cry. It was so beautifully sad. I realized at that moment her time was near, and one day her bump would be gone, and that moment is frozen in a photo. I was trying so hard to keep it together, but I couldn't catch the tears that started to fall. I am going to miss my baby bump, my baby Adalynne. Ilde and I were walking back to the house when I felt something tickling my face. I went to brush it off but ignored the instinct. My mom said, "Did you put that ladybug on your face." "What!? That is a ladybug on my face?!" Ilde had to get a picture and quickly snapped the gift God had given to all of us. A ladybug landed on my face, it was like it was Adalynne saying, "I am still here." It was like God was telling us it is going to be okay and that Adalynne will never be far away. It was absolutely amazing. The boys used to get the hiccups when they were in my belly. I remember it being so adorable and amazing that someone so small can get the hiccups. Adalynne got the hiccups at about 3am this morning for the first time. It woke me from a deep sleep. I laid there while she went through her stage of hiccups, stroking her baby bump and loving every second...