Life Goes On...
You know I sit here and I am astonished. Astonished at how life seems to go on regardless if we want it to or regardless if we are ready to become a part of the world after devastation has wrecked our lives. I am not saying my life is wrecked, but days after Adalynne left it was, wrecked. I was amazed at how people still got pissy in the Starbucks line; how people were still in a hurry to get to where ever it was they were going that they ran the yellow light just as it was turning red; and how people, so caught up in their day to day routine did not pay attention. Life goes on.
My parents both of them started fresh in Arizona. Fresh in a new climate, with new careers to embark, and a new outlook in life. My heart broke a little more thinking my mom, my best friend, was going to be so far away. It has been so hard. There are so many changes. But, I put my best forward as we embarked, just the two of us, on our cross country road trip; where she and my dad were about to start their new lives. The cross country road trip was a BLAST. My mom and I had such a great time. It did not seem like 30 hours in the car. We hit a snow storm in Oklahoma, which added six hours to our trip. I learned how to drive in the snow, through white knuckles and all we made it through. My mom would try to have a "heart to heart" with me during our journey, but her leaving was hard enough. I had to put a strong front on, and I would not allow it. We only talked about stupid superficial stuff. I couldn't talk about the fact that she would be so far away, because I knew I would break down in front of her. This transition was not easy for my mom, and I knew I had to be strong for her. It sucks, but if Adalynne has taught me anything it is to learn and grow from challenges that life throws at me. My mom has been my rock my entire life. We have always had such an amazing relationship. She is more than my mom, she is my best friend. Thank goodness for Skype and Southwest Airlines. I was gone from Nashville for seven days. Adalynne's due date, 02/07/2010, occurred while I was in Arizona; Superbowl Sunday. She is still giving me little miracles that connect the two of us. Superbowl, football for that matter, was the farthest thing from our minds when Adalynne's life started. Well, Adalynne's due date was on Superbowl Sunday and I was born on Superbowl Sunday. Even though she was gone, it is like she is still talking to me. Towards the end of the trip my mom got very quite, and distant. I remember saying, "Mom, what is it, other than the obvious? It sucks, and it is going to be hard. But, if Adalynne has taught us anything, it is how to grow from the situations life gives us. It is not like I am going to be close, so tell me what you are thinking before I go back to Nashville." She must have thought what I was thinking at the time, I have to be strong for her. Gosh we are so much alike.
When I got back to Nashville life was in full swing. The little boys and I were asked to be a part of a fundraiser hosted by Vanderbilt. All of the proceeds go to their pediatric oncology/hematology department (children's cancer). The photo shoot with two crazy boys was last week in a tea house, FULL OF ANTIQUE china. I was able to meet two other moms, who have struggled with a sick child. My heart not only went out to them, but I have so much admiration for them. I could not imagine what it is like to have a child so sick, that they are on the cusp of life, and then, just kidding, they are better four different times. What strength that child has, and their parents have. I felt truly honored. Or one parent whose child had cancer and she also has a child with Autism; what strength... It is like we are being conditioned for something else, something greater than this world has to offer. I truly truly admire those women and their amazing survivors. I felt so honored to be asked to be a part of their "clique" if you will.
Work is so busy. The cases keep coming in, and I love it; but I am still trying to find a position in a hospital in the NICU or Labor and Delivery department; still to no avail.
I caught up with one of my very best friends at out favorite venue, FIDO in Hillsboro Village, and I have even caught up with a friend from high school I had lost touch with.
With life still marching on, I still find it hard to breath at the thought of my princess. And it has nothing to do with the hardship Harrison is going through losing his sister, honestly. The other night he fell asleep in the car on our way home. Ryan was getting him out of the car, he was sound asleep screaming frantically Adalynne's name. It broke our hearts. His headaches are back and he is having so much trouble listening. I took him to the doctor yesterday for his headaches. It was just as I had thought, nothing physiological. He is sad and does not know how to say, this feeling I am feeling is sadness. We have an appointment on Monday with a grief counselor. Hopefully, she will be able to help him put a word to those feelings. Thank you God for Alive Hospice. They continue to help our family.
Yesterday I found myself gulping for air. I was surrounded by all of these wonderful things. Things that I should be buying for Adalynne. I should be at a point in my life where I am buying pink; pink clothing, pink swings, pink bouncy seats, pink shoes; but, that is not my reality. I was hoping to have Ryan complain about how much money I have been spending on our little princess, but again, that is not our reality. I over heard a mom saying how strange it was that people actually sold newborn diapers at the consignment sale. She thought it was so weird and, "why would someone consign that?" I said, silently of course, "they could be from people like me, planners. Those of us who buy diapers after they reach their second trimester every time they go to the grocery store, and then life throws them a curve ball, and they don't get to be used." I have all of these organic newborn diapers that are still in a closet, unused collecting dust.
Thank God life goes on. I got a call from Ryan just as I was about to lose it in the safety of my car. I was surrounded by people who were at a point in their lives where I should be, and it wasn't my reality. I should have a little girl who is almost two months old... The call, Harrison had cut his own hair!! My focus switched from my sadness to being annoyed with Harrison for cutting his hair. According to Ryan, Harrison had something sticky in his hair. Harrison had noticed it in the car on their way home. Harrison said he would have to cut it out of his hair, and Ryan told him it would come out in the shower and not to cut his hair. Well, Harrison has not been listening very well lately, and marched inside opened to drawer and cut that sticky stuff right out of his hair all before Ryan even made it to the door. He is so hardheaded. And now he has a very short hairstyle.
I am going to my first support group tomorrow evening. It is for parents who have lost children. I am looking forward to it. It is a club no one wants to belong, but I am so grateful to have other people out there like me, people who have lost a child.
My parents both of them started fresh in Arizona. Fresh in a new climate, with new careers to embark, and a new outlook in life. My heart broke a little more thinking my mom, my best friend, was going to be so far away. It has been so hard. There are so many changes. But, I put my best forward as we embarked, just the two of us, on our cross country road trip; where she and my dad were about to start their new lives. The cross country road trip was a BLAST. My mom and I had such a great time. It did not seem like 30 hours in the car. We hit a snow storm in Oklahoma, which added six hours to our trip. I learned how to drive in the snow, through white knuckles and all we made it through. My mom would try to have a "heart to heart" with me during our journey, but her leaving was hard enough. I had to put a strong front on, and I would not allow it. We only talked about stupid superficial stuff. I couldn't talk about the fact that she would be so far away, because I knew I would break down in front of her. This transition was not easy for my mom, and I knew I had to be strong for her. It sucks, but if Adalynne has taught me anything it is to learn and grow from challenges that life throws at me. My mom has been my rock my entire life. We have always had such an amazing relationship. She is more than my mom, she is my best friend. Thank goodness for Skype and Southwest Airlines. I was gone from Nashville for seven days. Adalynne's due date, 02/07/2010, occurred while I was in Arizona; Superbowl Sunday. She is still giving me little miracles that connect the two of us. Superbowl, football for that matter, was the farthest thing from our minds when Adalynne's life started. Well, Adalynne's due date was on Superbowl Sunday and I was born on Superbowl Sunday. Even though she was gone, it is like she is still talking to me. Towards the end of the trip my mom got very quite, and distant. I remember saying, "Mom, what is it, other than the obvious? It sucks, and it is going to be hard. But, if Adalynne has taught us anything, it is how to grow from the situations life gives us. It is not like I am going to be close, so tell me what you are thinking before I go back to Nashville." She must have thought what I was thinking at the time, I have to be strong for her. Gosh we are so much alike.
When I got back to Nashville life was in full swing. The little boys and I were asked to be a part of a fundraiser hosted by Vanderbilt. All of the proceeds go to their pediatric oncology/hematology department (children's cancer). The photo shoot with two crazy boys was last week in a tea house, FULL OF ANTIQUE china. I was able to meet two other moms, who have struggled with a sick child. My heart not only went out to them, but I have so much admiration for them. I could not imagine what it is like to have a child so sick, that they are on the cusp of life, and then, just kidding, they are better four different times. What strength that child has, and their parents have. I felt truly honored. Or one parent whose child had cancer and she also has a child with Autism; what strength... It is like we are being conditioned for something else, something greater than this world has to offer. I truly truly admire those women and their amazing survivors. I felt so honored to be asked to be a part of their "clique" if you will.
Work is so busy. The cases keep coming in, and I love it; but I am still trying to find a position in a hospital in the NICU or Labor and Delivery department; still to no avail.
I caught up with one of my very best friends at out favorite venue, FIDO in Hillsboro Village, and I have even caught up with a friend from high school I had lost touch with.
With life still marching on, I still find it hard to breath at the thought of my princess. And it has nothing to do with the hardship Harrison is going through losing his sister, honestly. The other night he fell asleep in the car on our way home. Ryan was getting him out of the car, he was sound asleep screaming frantically Adalynne's name. It broke our hearts. His headaches are back and he is having so much trouble listening. I took him to the doctor yesterday for his headaches. It was just as I had thought, nothing physiological. He is sad and does not know how to say, this feeling I am feeling is sadness. We have an appointment on Monday with a grief counselor. Hopefully, she will be able to help him put a word to those feelings. Thank you God for Alive Hospice. They continue to help our family.
Yesterday I found myself gulping for air. I was surrounded by all of these wonderful things. Things that I should be buying for Adalynne. I should be at a point in my life where I am buying pink; pink clothing, pink swings, pink bouncy seats, pink shoes; but, that is not my reality. I was hoping to have Ryan complain about how much money I have been spending on our little princess, but again, that is not our reality. I over heard a mom saying how strange it was that people actually sold newborn diapers at the consignment sale. She thought it was so weird and, "why would someone consign that?" I said, silently of course, "they could be from people like me, planners. Those of us who buy diapers after they reach their second trimester every time they go to the grocery store, and then life throws them a curve ball, and they don't get to be used." I have all of these organic newborn diapers that are still in a closet, unused collecting dust.
Thank God life goes on. I got a call from Ryan just as I was about to lose it in the safety of my car. I was surrounded by people who were at a point in their lives where I should be, and it wasn't my reality. I should have a little girl who is almost two months old... The call, Harrison had cut his own hair!! My focus switched from my sadness to being annoyed with Harrison for cutting his hair. According to Ryan, Harrison had something sticky in his hair. Harrison had noticed it in the car on their way home. Harrison said he would have to cut it out of his hair, and Ryan told him it would come out in the shower and not to cut his hair. Well, Harrison has not been listening very well lately, and marched inside opened to drawer and cut that sticky stuff right out of his hair all before Ryan even made it to the door. He is so hardheaded. And now he has a very short hairstyle.
I am going to my first support group tomorrow evening. It is for parents who have lost children. I am looking forward to it. It is a club no one wants to belong, but I am so grateful to have other people out there like me, people who have lost a child.
This post makes me so sad Erika. Stay strong. Hang in there. I wish there was more I could do for you. I wish I would have heard those women at the sale so I could have set them straight :)
ReplyDeleteI'm here, phone call, or a drive away.
I don't even know you, Erika, but I heard about your story from my Aunt Rosemary who works with Ryan (I think). Anyways, I finally clicked on the link to your site here and started reading from the beginning of the story, and being a "bottom-line" kind of person I skipped around a bit to get the gyst of things. It didn't take long for all the old feelings to come back again when I read about the girl who did your ultrasound and how she was so quiet. Or when I read about how it's strange to plan a funeral for a baby who's still alive. I am talking, of course, about my own similar experience that happened in 1994 when our baby Jacob died 28 days after he was born. Only left the hospital on the last day and lasted 40 minutes in our house before he passed. Back then we didn't "blog" like this...but it's as fresh now and every day as it was back then. I now have 4 healthy wonderful children, the first 3 being girls. Later,in 2003 as my OB pulled my 4th out, I didn't dream God would give me another boy...but he did! I stare at him with awe every day (he's 7 now). "You're a boy!" I say every day. "I know, mom...I'm a boy" he says back. God has truly given me more than I ever deserved...including answers and explanations about my experience with my baby Jacob that I didn't even know I ever wanted or needed the answers to. But He knew deep down what I wanted and needed to know and He knew what I could handle! I am praying for you Erika...never stop asking why, never stop wondering about it all, get everything you can from your experience. It'll shape who you are becoming...and it'll live on every time you tell your story. And many years from now you'll smell something that'll smell exactly like how she smelled and she'll be right there with you again..in your senses, and in your heart. I love reading your story! Thank you so much for sharing it! God Bless you and keep you! ~~Melissa Schmitz
ReplyDeleteOMG...I was just reading more of your journal when I came to January 22nd. You wrote of her SMELL. I wrote my first comment before this one(including the end about how you'll remember her smell) BEFORE I read that entry! Something in me just knew you needed to hear that. I can still smell my Jacob sometimes and it's as if he's right there. Only it's been 16 years without him! Why? How? How is that possible? I will never stop asking these questions. They are what keep me ever growing in my experience. The Lord is so sweet and loving allowing me to connect with you and your story in this way!
ReplyDelete