Beyond My Years

Today marks a day that I will never forget. I was in the shower this morning looking at the road map motherhood has created, when I realized what today marked. Two years ago today, it was an ugly overcast Thursday, I learned our daughter had Trisomy 13. I had gained unwanted knowledge of this chromosomal abnormality, days before when we had learned it was a possibility she would have this death sentence. I can still see the doctor's blond hair and the pictures of her twins that adorned her office walls and desk ledges. That was one of the darkest moments of my life. My heart was torn out of my chest, and my life had been shattered with that ring tone. I find it hard to breathe when I think back of that moment. My life had forever changed, with those letters that made up the heartbreaking words, and I changed, the core of who I was shaken. I didn't have a choice, but to gracefully put the shattered pieces back together and try to make sense of this terminal diagnosis. Sometimes, like today, when I saw how gentle Harrison was with a little girl, I think Adalynne would be twenty months old if she were still here today. I don't let myself go there very often, because it makes me gut wrenchingly sad. Adalynne would not be twenty months old, even in a perfect world, that wasn't in our cards. She was meant to be in our arms for five days and in our hearts forever. Adalynne brought our family together. She made, and makes, me a better person. Because one day I want to see her again. I miss her little baby smell, it was creamy and warm. I miss her tiny bumpy head and dark brown hair. I miss how much she HATED having her diaper changed. I simply miss her. I don't miss the idea of having a little girl; I miss my Adalynne. Some days it feels like a life time ago that our lives were changed forever, and days like today it seems like it was moments ago.
I could be an angry person. I could think that my life has been so unfair. With every obstacle I have been faced with has made me grow, into a stronger and better person. I know things that I wouldn't had it not been for the obstacles I have had to over come. I know that things here on earth are fleeting. I know that the way we treat people of all sizes, shapes and ages is something we will carry with us forever. I know that the decisions we make here on earth carry over. I am not saying I am perfect, not in the least. But, with Adalynne I have gained tremendous insight; beyond my years. Adalynne taught me how to truly live in the image of God. I could not have gotten through this without my faith.
The day Adalynne died was a very long and exhausting day for everyone involved. She was such a little fighter, our mini Mohammad. We would think that she had passed, call the hospice nurse who would get to our house to call a "time." And, Adalynne would start breathing again and her heart would start beating faster again. She wanted to be here as much as we wanted her to be here. I knew that would be the day we would lose her when we got up in the morning, as a nurse. I remember when the first hospice nurse got here she told us, "you are not a nurse today, you are a mother." As a mother and as a nurse, my heart broke seeing my pink bundle of joy turn shades of blue and purple. Adalynne was in a coma on Ryan's chest, it was later in the evening. Ryan said to Adalynne, "before you go, give your dad a kiss." Adalynne got up on all fours, and kissed Ryan not once, but twice. That was a miracle that God gave us, we got to see his love and kindness in a kiss. I remember sitting, no not sitting hunched over like an animal, in a corner in Harrison and Houston's room. It was evening and there were not any lights on in their room. It was dark. I was between the wall and a red chair holding Adalynne. She was cold and wrapped up in several pink blankets. I had my stethoscope in my ears listening and counting. I only got to forty beats per minute, her heart was giving out as mine was breaking. I knew she was getting tired, so I handed her over to Ryan so she could pass on. See, a lot of the times when someone loves another with all their heart and soul it is hard for the loved one who is dying to do so. And, as soon as that person leaves their loved one, they pass on. I knew that I had to leave, because she was ready to move on and play with the angels and saints.
There is not a moment that goes by that I don't miss her. But, the lessons that little miracle baby taught me will carry on forever. I thank Adalynne for her little brother Hamilton. If it had not been for her and her trisomy 13 diagnosis he would not be here. He is amazing. I think I will take him to see Adalynne's grave tomorrow. We are due for a visit, it's been a while.