It's Been a While...

It is so funny. When Adalynne was with us, it is like the words flowed out like a babbling brook; but now it's a tremendous effort for me to sit down and write. Our lives have continued to truck on even without our little three pound miracle; but there is not a day or a moment that goes by that I don't think about her. When we found out that Hamilton was in fact a boy, I knew then that it is not in God's plan for me to have another little girl. It isn't that God doesn't want me to experience that mother daughter bond; but I know she would never measure up to Adalynne. How could she? With that said, it is not easy for me to admit this,but recently I found out that a friend of mine was having a girl, and I was devastated. Who was this jealous person, and where did this reaction come from? I remember calling my mom, who has been cancer free for ONE YEAR, bawling; uncontrollably. I told her how sorry I was for being crazy and crying to her like I was, but I had to get this strange reaction off of my chest before I called my friend to congratulate her. I am so blessed with our latest edition. Hamilton is absolutely amazing. It is like he knows that he is a miracle and here to help mend a broken heart and shattered dreams. He is the happiest kid I have had to date. He is never short on smiles. The older boys are as crazy in love with our chunker as I am. When I was pregnant with him, I just wanted him to get here. I wanted everything to be okay, but I knew that was not in my control. I became this shell of who I was. It was all I could do to go to work and be the mom the boys needed me to be, at the end of the day I had no more energy to be a good friend. It was all about me. I was so terrified something horrible was going to happen. It was all consuming. So when I went into preterm labor at thirty four weeks; I thought seriously?! Why does every celebration in my life have to be bitter sweet? There is something called "wimpy white boys syndrome", that medical professional have come up with. Although, it is not a real syndrome white boys do not do as well as other babies. I thought I was going to deliver Hamilton at only thirty four weeks, and that he would have to stay in the NICU. I was admitted to the hospital, where I stayed for five day. The little stinker ended up staying put, until I was induced. The labor process was amazing. I remember when he was born, we all squealed with delight and joy when he got here and made his first sound. I did not want him to leave my side, four months later I still feel the same way. We eat together, we sleep together, and he even comes to work with me. He has helped heal our family, although he is not a cure for a broken heart he is a band-aide. The first few weeks he was here, every time I looked at him I would cry. I would be overcome with emotion and the tears would fall. It was like it was the first time since becoming a mom I truly, fully appreciated the gift our children are, and how fleeting life could be. I know had it not been for Adalynne being sick, Hamilton would not be here. I can't imagine our lives without him. He is absolutely amazing. Have I already said that? Well, he is. It is like he knows that he was sent here to help heal a broken family, no pressure little guy, and radiates love and joy and happiness. When the big boys were babies I would always ask friends and family if they wanted to hold them. I would be so happy to see Ryan so I could pass on Harrison or Houston, needing a break. It is different with Hamilton. I don't know if it is because I am older and more mature, or if it is what we have been through, losing a child. With Hamilton, I do not ask people if they want to hold him; they have to ask me, because I don't want to give him up. It just doesn't enter my mind that someone might want to snuggle with handsome little man. When Ryan gets home, I am happy to hold Hammer Jammer, while making dinner, doing homework, or running baths. We are all in a good place. Life is good. Houston just started Kindergarten, I could have kept him home one more year, but he was ready. Harrison just celebrated his eighth birthday! Ryan's company is slowly growing, but he is happy. Me, I am truly blessed to be the mother to three wonderful boys, and an angel in heaven. Oh, we call Hamilton, Hammer Jammer because he rocks our world;)