He Threw His Car Where?!?

Well, I did not think I would have to get this honest, this early but this is our journey. The good, the bad, the ugly, and always the truth. This is our story and all of it is true; it's our life, told by me. A novena started today, my favorite one, Christmas Novena. My intentions changed after my initial ultrasound. My intentions were for a little person in our life, and now it is all about the one who calls my belly home. Novena means nine in Latin. A novena is a devotion of prayers repeated for nine successive days in belief of obtaining special intercessory graces.

 I went in today because I was having some menstrual like cramping yesterday. The cramping would go away if I lay down. I know that, that is totally normal. I KNOW THIS! I also know that the baby is the size of an apple seed. With the knowledge of the size of the baby not matching my belly size, a couple of nursing friends who may or may not know too much of what makes up my own “women’s health” (including my NFP chart-gross right? TMI! ) my past, my rare drama queen-like tendencies (it’s a good thing my husband absolutely adores the ground I walk on-he puts up with a lot), and a voice in my head that keeps saying molar. But, I did not want to borrow trouble. I just kept telling myself, to stop being dramatic, everything is fine and I would see my doctor at the first of the year as scheduled. I could not take it a moment longer and decided to call anyway. I was scheduled today for an ultrasound.  

I woke up this morning with an intense back ache. It is fine as long as I am not moving, but holy moly when I move it is an 8/10 on the pain scale. Just for my personal pain reference. I have never rated my pain above an 8/10 even while in labor. I mean 10/10 is the worst pain in your life that you could ever imagine. So, when I think of a 10/10 I am thinking of the time I scrubbed in on an open heart surgery. His chest was “cranked” open with this medieval looking tool, now that is a 10/10 on my pain scale. It was only God’s grace I didn’t turn green and vomit in that open chest cavity out of empathy pain alone. He was resting, albeit heavily drugged, peacefully with several anesthesiologists, and CNA’s. So, long story long my back hurts so, so badly. I can’t nor would I take ibuprofen. So, I just had to suck it up, get ready for work and start the day with our weekly Monday Meeting. Of course, I did not print the bullet points, because I didn’t create one, nor did I insert a clever quote at the bottom of said bullet pointed outline about teamwork.
 

I had asked one of my very best friends to come with me to the ultrasound, but in true me fashion I texted that the appointment was at 1:15 not 11:15. Ryan was at the pediatrician with Houston, who has been sick for over a week now. His results were desirable, the “muck” (coming from my non-medical husband) and he was started on an antibiotic. My results…I’m still not sure. 

Do you remember the impulsiveness I was talking about? I know I am, and I try to control it but sometimes I just get so excited…and God’s will comes in as well.


I got to see my little one. Yes, I said my little one; not two as I was secretly hoping. I saw the gestational sac, the fetal stump and yolk sac. I saw my little peanut, our little peanut. But, there was no heartbeat, but hold the phone. It is very common at the beginning for there not to be a heartbeat. See, usually, the heartbeat is detected at 6 weeks gestation, since I am only 5 weeks 6 days… So, what is done. You wait a torturous week and re-scan. It is much easier to tell a patient, then to be the one told.  

Every time I torture myself and think what if it is bad?  I lose it. What if there’s no heartbeat. I have lost a child, but I got to hold her in my arms and kiss her face before I said goodbye. I have never undergone a spontaneous abortion (aka miscarriage). I think, gasp, a spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) is so much harder to go through as a mom. When a child is lost, a child is lost but losing a child that you never got to hold in your arms or kiss their little nose…rip your heart out sad.  My heart hurts, as my head is telling it to stop, stop it right now. Be rational, you know that this happens all the time. I am a smart, independent, educated woman, but that means nothing when your heart won’t listen.  Sometimes as an OB nurse I could have been a lot more empathetic, even if the thoughts were in secret. “You are fine! Don’t borrow trouble. We don’t know yet. Let’s give it a few days and then we will re-scan you.” As I am thinking, she is being so silly making herself so upset.  I will NEVER say don’t borrow trouble again!!!! I never gave false hope, but the “don’t borrow trouble and don’t worry unless you need to. It isn’t good for you or the baby and you’re in great hands…” What I should have also said was, “yea it’s scary. I’m so sorry you are scared and that there is the unknown. It is okay to mourn at the thought of the potential loss.”
 

So what do I do now? I pray. I have faith. I wait. I pray.   I mother three amazing children. I bury myself in work. I eat my feelings. I blog, because it helps get my crazy emotions not weigh so much-even though I KNOW I am being silly. I know I am being a drama queen. I smile that Hamilton threw a car in his poo poo diaper as daddy was changing it. A car that got thrown away. “Ryan where did this car come from by the sink….” You don’t think he? If he did, where’s the bleach? No, he wouldn’t? Would he?  Well, I have a Ruben with extra sauerkraut getting cold.