Here's Our Beginning

     A little over ten years ago I started a blog. Once we laid Adalynne to rest the drive to blog faded away. I got caught up in raising young boys who are now 15 (November 23) and 17, and making babies and raising them. Hamilton is now 9 and MaryCathlin is 6. My career as a nurse started in high risk obstetrics and after about a year I transitioned into being a rehabilitation nurse case manager. My career is managing care in patients who have had catastrophic injuries. The injuries range from traumatic births resulting in structural and physiological changes of brain; amputations, sometime multiple; burns; honestly, the list is long. I worked very hard and have become an expert in my field. After Adalynne went to her forever home my husband started his own company, what did he have to lose? So, the whole reason I started blogging was gone and I had to live my life and try to put the pieces back together. 

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to repost my original posts in order from first to last and offer some insight and reflection ten years in the making and the path I have traveled leading up to our Adalynne and lessons I have learned since. Thank you for those who held us up with their prayers so long ago....

Original Post (October 2009)

I do not remember the exact day we found out we were going to be parents for the third time, but we were elated. I had just graduated from nursing school, with two small children, I might add, when the news of my graduation gift had arrived. And, that is what she was a wonderful gift. The baby bug had hit me with about a year left in nursing school; while I was in my labor and delivery clinical rotation. It took the baby bug about a year to land and when it did, it made me the happiest new mom in the world. I've always wanted a lot of children. Once my head came back down to earth I remember thinking, "oh my goodness, I have to take state boards without drinking any caffeine!" But, that thought was quickly pushed away with thoughts of, how newborns cuddle into a ball when you pick them up, how their cry sounds like a little kitten looking for milk, and what wonderful big brothers Harrison and Houston would be. Oh, by the way, I rocked state boards even without caffeine! I officially became a registered nurse in June 2009.

The road to becoming a nurse was not easy. I grew up in a small town south of Nashville. I graduated from high school in 2002. I am the second oldest in a family of four. I have an older brother and two younger brothers. My childhood did not start until my mom married my dad ( he adopted me) the summer before third grade. My mom was a single mom, and even when she was married to my biological dad he was never there and when he was it a lot. Now I am sure there were times that were good, but those are not the memories that come to mind when I think about what my early childhood consisted of. My biological father left when I was five and my oldest brother was seven. He left for another woman and a life fueled by drugs and alcohol. I never understood why I was not enough. It has taken being raised by an incredible man, becoming a mother, time, perspective, faith and a lot therapy for me to understand his leaving had nothing to do with me, but the little Erika couldn't understand. In my teens I was so angry there was no time for understanding. My mom trusted people with our care while she worked her way up in corporate American. That was when, aside from abandonment issues, the trauma began. I was taught I was not worthy. I was taught to respect adults at all costs, do as I say and not as I do. I learned to hate myself. The learning to hate who I was, was easy it was learning in school that was such a struggle. I was so dumb. I knew I was dumb.  My mind wondered in school. Letters jumped around on the page while I would read. I would read and have no idea what I had just read. School was a struggle! I did not even get into college initially. It took a lot of convincing, phone calls and an angel named Sarah who was my high school’s college counselor. Actually, I’ll never forget the day after I found out I was accepted I took her flowers. I don’t remember what time of year it was, but that was the time of the year her husband always got her flowers, so my small act of gratitude reminder her of the man she loved until death parted them. 

After high school I went to The University of Tennessee, with the intentions of graduating as a nurse; but because of decisions I made I never made it past my first year of college. I had been dating my boyfriend Ryan since my junior year of high school. He was a year older than me, and I would be lying if I said he was not the reason I went to UT. Ryan and I had met during (a summer school) Spanish class. We were best friends for about a year before we started dating. At the end of the first semester at UT my roommate and I got an apartment. It was in an old warehouse building they converted into lofts. It was a two bedroom loft in downtown Knoxville on Gay Street. I just pulled up the website, it's still killer. We felt like such grownups. I remember my mom asking me if I was sure, because once bills start they don't stop. She even asked, "Why do you want to grow up so fast? It's like you have to do everything in life the hard way? Just stay in the dorms once more semester." See, as long as I was staying in the dorms my mom and dad paid for my housing. 

I was terrified of these bills. I have worked since I was fifteen, so it was not the work that scared me, but that I would once again fail. Instead of going home for Christmas like most normal freshmen I stayed in Knoxville to work. The owner of the lofts let me move in early. It was quiet except for the mouse traps going off at all hours of the night. I eventually learned to put the activated traps in a brown paper bag. Our apartment was freezing cold because I was scared we would not be able to afford the utility bill. I did not turn the heat up very high I just layered and layered some more. When I showered, I would turn the shower on just to get wet, turn it off, soap up, shampoo and  all the things and quickly turn it off after I was rinsed. I would have been lonely because everyone went home, but I worked double shifts every day. I did go home Christmas Eve to see my family and returned to Knoxville the day after Christmas. I continued to work through Christmas break. The cold spotty showers and walking around with ice on my nose  paid off. Our first electric bill $28!  I remember Ryan was still in Nashville and my roommate had just gotten back to Knoxville on January 7. After I got off of my double I met my roommate at a friend's apartment. We were going to go out that night. On my way to the apartment I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some Jalapeno Poppers. Walking to the freezer section I passed the at home pregnancy tests, since I was "late" I thought, why not. I was so ashamed of buying the test, let alone taking the test. I took the test and went to put the snacks in the oven. That was when I heard my roommate call my name in a voice I had never heard her use before.

Most people it takes twenty something years to grow up. Some people never grow up... However, I did it in three minutes. I grew up in that moment. I cried the whole night. I was so ashamed. Abortion never entered my mind. I have never supported it for convenience sake. This unborn child did not ask to be conceived, so why would I make the decision, one that should only be up to God, to end my unborn child's life. I love and support adoption, but I was too selfish to do it. Ryan and I had talked about getting married and having three kids, but what young in love teenager doesn't. We talked about getting married when we were thirty. I wanted to work for several years until our kids were born, and then I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. But, because of decisions we made we were having a child at 19 and 20. I loved Ryan very much and he loved me. He had always treated me like a princess. He was scared, sure, but he loved me and his unborn child. He showed up at my loft the following day with a handful of flowers, hugged me and said we are going to get through this and everything was going to be okay. But, all I could think about was what my mom had said a few weeks earlier about me doing everything in life the hard way. I use to go to the tanning bed, I know! I know! But there was a pregnancy help center beside it. I never thought I'd walk through their doors, but here I was asking for help. They held my hand as I called my mom. She was very upset and she did grieve over the loss of my childhood and innocence. My parents came to Knoxville and Ryan, my mom, dad and me went to a doctor for an ultrasound. I remember when the exam was over he looked at me and asked, "what are you going to do?" I thought he was talking about after the doctor's appointment. He was not. He was asking me if I was going to keep my baby. Just because it was the loss of my innocence and childhood, the family drama that surrounds a teen pregnancy this baby was ours. That was one thing I was certain. 

I did not want to tell anyone. I wanted to wrap my head around the situation before the word got out. I was going to tell my bestfriend after my first trimester, but I never got to. It was the hottest gossip topic for a while and that was how she heard it, through gossip. I was humiliated. The whispers, the stares, the judgement, oh it was horrible. Once again Erika had failed. But, I was checking all the statistical boxes those of us who come from abandonment and abuse tend to check. I never got in trouble at school. Failed many things, but trouble was not one of them. Our parents sat us down to talk about our plan. Our parents said, we love you and will support you emotionally, but financially you are on your own. I continued school and finished out my first year. Ryan had a scholarship. Since I was due at the beginning of my sophomore year we decided that Ryan would finish school and I would put my education on hold. Another box checked off. I read every book I could get my hands on in regards to pregnancy and how to take care of a baby and their developmental milestones. I knew because of my age people would assume I was some dumb unmarried teen who did not know anything. So I wanted to be as prepared as I could when our baby was born. Back then, since I was no longer enrolled in school fulltime I lost my dad's health insurance. I had to get on government health insurance. Ryan and I both worked. Ryan worked fulltime and went to school fulltime. He delivered pizzas. I worked at a retail store while I was pregnant with Harrison. But, because of inexperience in life skills and work experience we held jobs that barely covered our bills. Once Harrison was born I stayed home with him for the first year of his life while Ryan worked and went to school. 

Being good young parents was so hard. It never seemed to fail that the night before a big exam or a big project or speech was due for Ryan, Harrison would get sick. Money was so tight. One Christmas our entire budget was twenty dollars. We were on every government assistance program we qualified for; WIC, food stamps, health insurance. I was checking those boxes. That experience lit a fire in Ryan. We both came from homes where we went to private school, got cars when we turned 16, money or lack thereof was not something we were use to. Waiting in those lines and the health department offices is an experience I am so grateful for. I made me wiser, kinder and less judgmental. Not to mention it fed our young family. 

Shortly after Harrison was born he got chemical conjunctivitis, a fancy word for pink eye. The nurse put on her intake form the reason for visit was "young mother". I think her name was Karen... Once Harrison was a little older than a year I went to work as a waitress. I would stay at home with Harrison during the day while Ryan was at school and then I would work nights. Looking back it was some of the best times of our life.  I would get home at midnight to one am, go to bed, get up at 6AM and do it all over again.   I loved being a mom. It was not easy but we did it! Ryan graduated on time with honors. Our college years were not filled with all night fraternity parties or pulling pranks that only young adults are foolish enough to pursue or random road trips. Our "all nighters" were spent on the floor of our living room closely monitoring our newborn's diaper count and temperature while he was imprisoned in the suitcase contraption. He had jaundice and needed light therapy. Our college pranks involved playing peek-a-boo with a baby who had brought so much joy and selflessness into two young parents lives. Our road trips were planned around final exams and consisted of me and Harrison going home to Nashville to visit the grandparents. Ryan and I got married on New Year's Eve of 2004. And we were expecting our second son. He was due December 2005. 

Ryan got a great job right after college and we were able to move back to Nashville. And we were able to kiss government assistance goodbye! That was when I decided I would no longer be a statistic. I started looking into nursing schools.