Our Disney Cruise
Adalynne, my sweet Adalynne Dior. I tried, I really did try, but there was something, someone, missing every step of the way; and it was you. Nina, for Christmas got us a gift an amazing gift, in hopes to help ease the loss of your departure. It was great, but...
At the "Sailaway Celebration" I found myself crying, tearing up at the innocent faces around me celebrating the true joy that these wonderful Disney characters create. I know from the outside looking in, I looked like some psychotic adult fan, but the tears were from me missing you. Even immersed in the pure joy happy children create, it wasn't complete...but I put on a strong front for that day and the ones to follow. But, I couldn't help but feel a tug on my heart seeing all of the little girls dressed as her favorite princess character.
Harrison and I were on the elevator and a family came on, just like ours but opposite; two older girls and chubber-wubber baby boy. He was so adorable, pinchable and absolutely perfect. As they were joining Harrison and me on the elevator, the dad tried to admire the cutest baby boy; when the mom said, "no he is my baby boy," bringing him to the nape of her neck; kidding of course. My God, was I jealous, but I know He understood. Harrison looked at the family and said, "He sure is a cute baby. I had a baby sister, but she died. She lived for five days." I stood there silent, what do you say to that?... The young girls were terrified by his honesty and their youth; their precious youth was tainted by Harrison's honesty. The dad looked at Harrison as we got off the elevator and said earnestly, "have a wonderful day buddy." We did. That was the day we got face-to-face with the dolphin named Hercules. We got to hug him, kiss him, and even rub his tummy. Atlantis was amazing. We had a great time. That was my favorite part of the trip; swimming with dolphins.
Even though, there was absolutely a piece of me missing, I trampled on and tried to have wonderful time. Adalynne came up in our conversations at least once a day. Even though wonderful time and all, I was always on the verge of tears. I was "okay" able to hold it together, that is until the last day. We were in the gift shop getting things for one another and family, when I wondered off from the boys and was surrounded by princesses. I was fingering a green and white seersucker dress when the tears began to fall. I had made it past the red with white polka dotted velour jump suit, the red and white polka dotted flip flops with bows on the toes, and every little girl dressed as a princess; but this, this did it. Maybe because it was next to the sippie cups, bottles and bibs. I knelt down, embarrassed by my outburst of emotions, when I was face-to-face with Cinderella's glass slippers ones small enough to fit on the tiniest Cinderella fan. I watched Cinderella once a day as a little girl. Everything that I once imagined to be a part of Adalynne's childhood was looking at me, almost like it had survived years upon years of little girls...and she had not. It took me a while to recompose myself before I could face the rest of my party; but, that is what I did the rest of the twenty four hours ahead of us in the trip. Recomposition, robotically or not there were no tears shed in front of anyone. I forced myself to enjoy the next twelve hours, if not for me then for Adalynne.
I still see the beauty in everyday, but as the anaesthesia has worn off the days are harder. It was a new defense mechanism I came in contact with after the initial loss of Adalynne. I truly felt like I was okay, that is until the anesthesia wore off and now instead of the days getting easier, they are getting harder. This is something I know I have to face, this is something I know I have to go through; man is it rough. I know I have said this before but, I never thought it would be this hard. I face one day at a time, one moment at a time for the boys. With them I don't have a choice, I put one foot on the floor in the morning and then the other taking my first step of the new day because they keep me going.
At the "Sailaway Celebration" I found myself crying, tearing up at the innocent faces around me celebrating the true joy that these wonderful Disney characters create. I know from the outside looking in, I looked like some psychotic adult fan, but the tears were from me missing you. Even immersed in the pure joy happy children create, it wasn't complete...but I put on a strong front for that day and the ones to follow. But, I couldn't help but feel a tug on my heart seeing all of the little girls dressed as her favorite princess character.
Harrison and I were on the elevator and a family came on, just like ours but opposite; two older girls and chubber-wubber baby boy. He was so adorable, pinchable and absolutely perfect. As they were joining Harrison and me on the elevator, the dad tried to admire the cutest baby boy; when the mom said, "no he is my baby boy," bringing him to the nape of her neck; kidding of course. My God, was I jealous, but I know He understood. Harrison looked at the family and said, "He sure is a cute baby. I had a baby sister, but she died. She lived for five days." I stood there silent, what do you say to that?... The young girls were terrified by his honesty and their youth; their precious youth was tainted by Harrison's honesty. The dad looked at Harrison as we got off the elevator and said earnestly, "have a wonderful day buddy." We did. That was the day we got face-to-face with the dolphin named Hercules. We got to hug him, kiss him, and even rub his tummy. Atlantis was amazing. We had a great time. That was my favorite part of the trip; swimming with dolphins.
Even though, there was absolutely a piece of me missing, I trampled on and tried to have wonderful time. Adalynne came up in our conversations at least once a day. Even though wonderful time and all, I was always on the verge of tears. I was "okay" able to hold it together, that is until the last day. We were in the gift shop getting things for one another and family, when I wondered off from the boys and was surrounded by princesses. I was fingering a green and white seersucker dress when the tears began to fall. I had made it past the red with white polka dotted velour jump suit, the red and white polka dotted flip flops with bows on the toes, and every little girl dressed as a princess; but this, this did it. Maybe because it was next to the sippie cups, bottles and bibs. I knelt down, embarrassed by my outburst of emotions, when I was face-to-face with Cinderella's glass slippers ones small enough to fit on the tiniest Cinderella fan. I watched Cinderella once a day as a little girl. Everything that I once imagined to be a part of Adalynne's childhood was looking at me, almost like it had survived years upon years of little girls...and she had not. It took me a while to recompose myself before I could face the rest of my party; but, that is what I did the rest of the twenty four hours ahead of us in the trip. Recomposition, robotically or not there were no tears shed in front of anyone. I forced myself to enjoy the next twelve hours, if not for me then for Adalynne.
I still see the beauty in everyday, but as the anaesthesia has worn off the days are harder. It was a new defense mechanism I came in contact with after the initial loss of Adalynne. I truly felt like I was okay, that is until the anesthesia wore off and now instead of the days getting easier, they are getting harder. This is something I know I have to face, this is something I know I have to go through; man is it rough. I know I have said this before but, I never thought it would be this hard. I face one day at a time, one moment at a time for the boys. With them I don't have a choice, I put one foot on the floor in the morning and then the other taking my first step of the new day because they keep me going.
You are an amazing woman, and I feel blessed to know and work with you. I have no words of wisdom for you. I wish I did. There is no fast or easy way around it. I know you are melting inside, but it's admirable how you are able to keep it together for those around you. Your face lights up when you smile. And I very much enjoy "working" with Harrison. Marilyn
ReplyDeleteErika, I am just the same...I wish I had just the right thing to say to you. I am continuing to pray for you!! Keep your head high and know that your angel is right there with you. :) Alison
ReplyDelete