First Place
At Christmas time growing up, my "Meme" would send us a box of goodies she had baked. She still does it every year. It is filled with chocolate covered pretzels, homemade chocolate covered cherries, forgotten cookies, chocolate chip cookies, tons of things that taste heavenly; but extend your waist band. Oh, yes and the famous homemade Chex Mix, that my older brother, Gordon, would hide so he didn't have to share. I am a great cook, if I do say so myself, but I have never been a baker. This year, though, my family and I have done a lot of "firsts". My latest "first" was following through with a heart wrenching threat. I told Houston if he did not change his behavior, he would have to stay home with daddy and not go to the Downtown Franklin Christmas parade. His behavior did not change and he and daddy got to spend the day together at home. It was so dramatic, turning the car around and everything. I felt terrible but it worked. He knows, now, I mean what I say in regards to his mini meltdowns. Houston is having his first official big birthday this year at one of those bouncing places with cake, ice cream, and a list of twenty-five three and four year olds. Harrison has his first "big kid" school Christmas program, and afterwards my mom and I are going to spend the day baking. A first for me. Harrison gets to leave school early, so he gets to join in on the cooking fun. I am sure he would be thrilled if he knew (I'm kidding). I cannot wait to see Harrison in his program tomorrow. He LOVES to sing and does not get stage fright. He has so much confidence. I admire him.
My latest and greatest cravings include sliced cucumbers with balsamic vinegar, oranges, Glory brand black eyed peas, and soda water with a splash of apple juice; not mixed together of course. Last Sunday, after leaving Ryan's mom's house, the boys and I went to get our weekly supply of soda water. We walked past a baby's teething ring, and Houston asked if Adalynne would like one. Harrison looked at Houston, and very matter of factly almost annoyed said, "Houston she is not going to need one of those, she won't be here long enough." Houston loves babies. We have a 12 month old cousin who we saw on Thanksgiving. Houston followed him around mesmerized by the little waddler. He gets it from his mommy. I wish I had the innocence to look at Adalynne's presence here on earth so matter of factly.
It feels like my child has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and we are just waiting, without the time to actually spend with her, for her illness to take her. I can't imagine that a parent of a child with a terminal illness wants her child to die but the waiting is torture. Thank God, Adalynne's terminal diagnosis does not bring her any pain or discomfort but she is terminal and the period of just waiting is taking its toll on me. I am trying so hard to be strong and positive but I am faltering. My knees are getting weak and my eyes are getting weepy. I am not "sick" of being pregnant because the end of it represents the end of Adalynne, but I am ready to deal with her loss, grieve, and accept this path that has been chosen for our family. Each day is marked with irregular contractions (known as Braxton Hicks), and each day I wonder if it is "the day". The contractions come and come and then they stop, and I know I have one more day with my tiny dancer. And, I thank God for one more day.
I did not work from the office today. I had cried three times today before 11:00AM. It was a good thing I opted out of liquid eyeliner today. I worked from a coffee shop and then Ryan and I met with Tom Uchida, a photographer. We met with Tom today to go over the proofs from our maternity photo shoot. Seeing the bump that represents Adalynne captured in such beauty, frozen in time ,was emotional. Tears started streaming down my face, four times before noon. That is a record for me. Tom gave Ryan and I a gift that we will hold and cherish forever. He captured a moment in time with our family complete, all five of us, alive and beaming with joy. He slowed our family down long enough to capture memories, pictures that will get me through Christmas. This one and the ones to come and birthdays that fall somewhere between December and February. Words cannot express what appreciation Tom's work has brought to my heart. Tom is also a coordinator for a nonprofit called, "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." It is a program that takes pictures of terminal newborns. Tom, or someone on the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep(http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/) team will be with us capturing the moments Adalynne graces us with her gorgeous presence. Thank you Tom.
Growing up, I had such wonderful parents. My mom and dad would read to all four of us every night. My dad was the reader. He would read us a book in Clayton and Patrick's room and then we would say our prayers, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep..." Our nightly ritual is a wonderful childhood memory I cherish. I never thought that a childhood prayer that starts with seven words would touch my life in adulthood as it did my childhood.
My latest and greatest cravings include sliced cucumbers with balsamic vinegar, oranges, Glory brand black eyed peas, and soda water with a splash of apple juice; not mixed together of course. Last Sunday, after leaving Ryan's mom's house, the boys and I went to get our weekly supply of soda water. We walked past a baby's teething ring, and Houston asked if Adalynne would like one. Harrison looked at Houston, and very matter of factly almost annoyed said, "Houston she is not going to need one of those, she won't be here long enough." Houston loves babies. We have a 12 month old cousin who we saw on Thanksgiving. Houston followed him around mesmerized by the little waddler. He gets it from his mommy. I wish I had the innocence to look at Adalynne's presence here on earth so matter of factly.
It feels like my child has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and we are just waiting, without the time to actually spend with her, for her illness to take her. I can't imagine that a parent of a child with a terminal illness wants her child to die but the waiting is torture. Thank God, Adalynne's terminal diagnosis does not bring her any pain or discomfort but she is terminal and the period of just waiting is taking its toll on me. I am trying so hard to be strong and positive but I am faltering. My knees are getting weak and my eyes are getting weepy. I am not "sick" of being pregnant because the end of it represents the end of Adalynne, but I am ready to deal with her loss, grieve, and accept this path that has been chosen for our family. Each day is marked with irregular contractions (known as Braxton Hicks), and each day I wonder if it is "the day". The contractions come and come and then they stop, and I know I have one more day with my tiny dancer. And, I thank God for one more day.
I did not work from the office today. I had cried three times today before 11:00AM. It was a good thing I opted out of liquid eyeliner today. I worked from a coffee shop and then Ryan and I met with Tom Uchida, a photographer. We met with Tom today to go over the proofs from our maternity photo shoot. Seeing the bump that represents Adalynne captured in such beauty, frozen in time ,was emotional. Tears started streaming down my face, four times before noon. That is a record for me. Tom gave Ryan and I a gift that we will hold and cherish forever. He captured a moment in time with our family complete, all five of us, alive and beaming with joy. He slowed our family down long enough to capture memories, pictures that will get me through Christmas. This one and the ones to come and birthdays that fall somewhere between December and February. Words cannot express what appreciation Tom's work has brought to my heart. Tom is also a coordinator for a nonprofit called, "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep." It is a program that takes pictures of terminal newborns. Tom, or someone on the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep(http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/) team will be with us capturing the moments Adalynne graces us with her gorgeous presence. Thank you Tom.
Growing up, I had such wonderful parents. My mom and dad would read to all four of us every night. My dad was the reader. He would read us a book in Clayton and Patrick's room and then we would say our prayers, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep..." Our nightly ritual is a wonderful childhood memory I cherish. I never thought that a childhood prayer that starts with seven words would touch my life in adulthood as it did my childhood.
Erika, they say that the anticipation of things is often worse than the actual event. If only that were true in your case. I read your blog faithfully, and there are so many times I want to comment, but words fail me. What on earth could I possibly say to make you feel better? Nothing any of us says or does will take away your pain. Just know that many people are lifting you and Adalynne up in prayer every day. I hope our prayers will bring you at least some peace and comfort during this time. Many hugs for you!!!
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I am a member of SHS and have 2 children there. I know no words can come close to taking this pain away, but know that you have an army of people behind you, supporting and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteShannon Boyd
Erika, my daughter Ella is in K with Harrison. I never comment on people's blogs but yours is the most touching thing I have ever read. It brought me to tears. Adalynne is so blessed to have you for her mother. You amaze me and make me want to try and be a better mother to my little ones.
ReplyDeleteYou and your sweet family will be in my prayers everyday for a long time. Mary Martini