Searching

I know I have not been keeping up with my blog like I had in the beginning, but I am searching for answers. I don't know what it is, but I am looking for something I can't seem to find. Taking it "easy" has been anything but... I don't do well with "downtime". I don't know what the questions are even, the ones I can't find the answers to, but it doesn't stop the search.

This is the time of year of giving and with that comes requests from local charities, one being from an agency who works with foster, adoption, and struggling mothers. Harrison's class has been assigned to bring in diapers, formula, baby clothes, etc. to help the new babies. I have tons of diapers we bought for Adalynne. Every time I would go to the grocery store for eight weeks I bought a case of diapers. She has a few clothes, but not many. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't bring myself to donate the diapers and clothing that are going to go unused. I feel like I am betraying her in some strange way; like I am not acknowledging that those things were bought for her.

This has always been my favorite time of year and I am trying so hard to focus on the fact that Adalynne is here for today. We have put up the Christmas decorations, made the countdown chains, and made three belly plasters all with her in tow; but I can't help but think she is not going to be here next Christmas and it tranquilizes me. I am searching for happiness, acceptance, and strength. It is day by day...