A White Lie
Adalynne has been a very busy little girl the past few days. I am trying so hard to live life "normally" again. We live such a busy life, but it has not been easy re-engaging. There are days that once I get the boys off to school, I want to go back to bed and tally every movement my tiny dancer makes. But no matter what someone is going through in life, whether it is a financial blow, a failed relationship, or some unforeseen tragedy, life doesn't stop; just because our hearts are broken.
Because the Titan's game was on a Sunday night, the little boys and I only stayed for the tailgating portion. Let's see, after two bowls of really spicy chili with Frito's (of course), a bratwurst and macaroni and cheese, and enough brownies for a medium-sized preschool class, I realized we were all laughing and having a good time. Maybe my "pregnant" appetite has something to do with the eighty-five pounds I gained with both Harrison and Houston? But, at the end, I had a little bundle of joy to show off. With Adalynne I have gained more than weight... insight, wisdom far beyond my years, and I have been shown what it means to truly love someone, and how something so small can touch so many lives.
The days that followed the initial diagnosis my mom asked me, "what was wrong, other than the obvious." I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't help the thoughts that weaved in and out of my mind. Trying to hold back the tears, I simply stated, "what if I am being punished for mistakes I have made in my life, when I was a younger, as a mother, or as a wife? I know I am a good person, but I have made mistakes and taken advantage of peoples' love." By the time I got the words out, I could not control the pitch or tone of my voice, and once again I broke down. Right there in the driver's seat, looking at my mom in the passenger seat of what I call, my "big black school bus" that we had purchased just after my first trimester, for our growing family. I know I am not being punished, but I wonder if it is natural to have those feelings when you're initially dealt a hand that you don't know how to play? Her answers reminded me of why I am so grateful to have her as a mother. She is such a rock. We don't get to pick who our parents are going to be, but I lucked out with my mom.
Once I graduated, I applied for so many positions at all of the local hospitals here in Nashville and outside of the city. At first, I was only applying for positions in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and then, if they were hiring for a RN, I applied. I am talking over twenty applications. I applied over and over. I thought there was a shortage of nurses? Towards the end of June, my mother-in-law, who owns a case management company, offered me a position until after Adalynne was born. Now I know why I couldn't find a position in a hospital, it was divine intervention. I could not imagine trying to start a career as a new nurse right now. Work has been amazing. Thank you God.
On Monday Harrison and Houston's white tuxedos came in the mail. Harrison squealed, "mom we have a box. Who is it for?" I knew what it was before his small inquisitive hands could rip it open. "I think it is yours and Houston's suits." I answered nonchalantly. I silently prayed the questions would stop right there. Nope, not with our little scientist. He had hoped it was something more exciting, but wanted to know what they were for. "Are they for weddings and things like that?" I lied, it broke my heart, but I lied to my six year old that cool October afternoon. I didn't want him to know it was for his anticipated little sister's funeral.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."
-Robert Munsch
Day by day... The boys are getting the nasal mist H1N1 flu vaccine today. We have to be there by 7AM, because they cannot be late for school. And Miss Adalynne and mommy have a commercial to shoot today, day by day.
Because the Titan's game was on a Sunday night, the little boys and I only stayed for the tailgating portion. Let's see, after two bowls of really spicy chili with Frito's (of course), a bratwurst and macaroni and cheese, and enough brownies for a medium-sized preschool class, I realized we were all laughing and having a good time. Maybe my "pregnant" appetite has something to do with the eighty-five pounds I gained with both Harrison and Houston? But, at the end, I had a little bundle of joy to show off. With Adalynne I have gained more than weight... insight, wisdom far beyond my years, and I have been shown what it means to truly love someone, and how something so small can touch so many lives.
The days that followed the initial diagnosis my mom asked me, "what was wrong, other than the obvious." I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't help the thoughts that weaved in and out of my mind. Trying to hold back the tears, I simply stated, "what if I am being punished for mistakes I have made in my life, when I was a younger, as a mother, or as a wife? I know I am a good person, but I have made mistakes and taken advantage of peoples' love." By the time I got the words out, I could not control the pitch or tone of my voice, and once again I broke down. Right there in the driver's seat, looking at my mom in the passenger seat of what I call, my "big black school bus" that we had purchased just after my first trimester, for our growing family. I know I am not being punished, but I wonder if it is natural to have those feelings when you're initially dealt a hand that you don't know how to play? Her answers reminded me of why I am so grateful to have her as a mother. She is such a rock. We don't get to pick who our parents are going to be, but I lucked out with my mom.
Once I graduated, I applied for so many positions at all of the local hospitals here in Nashville and outside of the city. At first, I was only applying for positions in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) and then, if they were hiring for a RN, I applied. I am talking over twenty applications. I applied over and over. I thought there was a shortage of nurses? Towards the end of June, my mother-in-law, who owns a case management company, offered me a position until after Adalynne was born. Now I know why I couldn't find a position in a hospital, it was divine intervention. I could not imagine trying to start a career as a new nurse right now. Work has been amazing. Thank you God.
On Monday Harrison and Houston's white tuxedos came in the mail. Harrison squealed, "mom we have a box. Who is it for?" I knew what it was before his small inquisitive hands could rip it open. "I think it is yours and Houston's suits." I answered nonchalantly. I silently prayed the questions would stop right there. Nope, not with our little scientist. He had hoped it was something more exciting, but wanted to know what they were for. "Are they for weddings and things like that?" I lied, it broke my heart, but I lied to my six year old that cool October afternoon. I didn't want him to know it was for his anticipated little sister's funeral.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."
-Robert Munsch
Day by day... The boys are getting the nasal mist H1N1 flu vaccine today. We have to be there by 7AM, because they cannot be late for school. And Miss Adalynne and mommy have a commercial to shoot today, day by day.
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