October 5, 2009

I know I have not posted anything in several days, but I needed time to wrap my head around things.
There was this song in the movie, "City of Angels" with Meg Ryan. A part of the song goes something like, "You bleed just to know you're alive." Last Monday that song played over and over in my head. I was in bed staring at the wall. It was my last day off before I had to go back to work, and I wanted to spend the day reflecting on how we are going to plan for Adalynne's short life with her family. Well, Harrison had fallen at school and we had to go to Vanderbilt to get stitches on his perfect baby face. He is officially in the "Boys' Club". It made me realize that even though Adalynne is a constant thought we still have two perfect little boys who need their Mommy. They help me start the days. Adalynne being sick has brought me so much closer to the boys. I appreciate the life and joy they bring to every single day. They are such a ray of light. Harrison's sweet sensitive soul and Houston's rambunctious giggly ways. It tugs at my heart that I cannot be Adalynne's mom for longer than what is in God's plans, but He know far more than I ever will, and this is the path He has chosen for our family. We are trying to travel it with grace and love day by day.
When the boys were babies at bath time, I would place a mini heater on the bathroom counter and put their lotion in front of it. Not only did it warm up the lotion, but it made the bathroom a perfect temperature for a little baby getting out of a warm bath. Once the boys were dried off I would massage them with the warm lotion. I cherished bath time. Adalynne's heater came in shortly after my first trimester was over. I look at the heater in her room and I am paralyzed. It is not the stupid heater or anything in her room for that matter, it is what it represented. A life, a relationship, and a little human that I wanted to nurture love and make memories with her to cherish. Ryan and I were talking last Saturday. We were listening to music to play at her funeral and through teary eyes I said, "I don't want to give her back," but Ryan said, "she is not ours to keep." Day by day...
It is the strangest feeling in the world planning a funeral for a little girl who I can feel her life inside of me. I can feel her moving, kicking and rolling all while I am trying to pick out caskets, funeral homes, where she will be buried. Ryan, my lovely husband, his only request is to have everyone wear white or pink; no black at the service. We are trying to get everything planned and set up so that we can enjoy and LIVE every minute while our little angel is in our lives. She is here today, and that is how we are coping; day to day.
Today we got Harrison and Houston their Halloween costumes. They are really into Star Wars right now. They are going to be a Storm Trooper and Darth Vader. My husband is an amazing artist, so he is going to paint Adalynne a ballerina on my growing belly. A Storm Trooper, Darth Vader, and a ballerina. Day by Day.