Happy Birthday Mommy!

I get a lump in my throat that is so hard to swallow. I try not to allow myself to go to, "that place," the one where I feel sorry for myself. But, God, I miss my little girl and I want her back. I know that is not possbile, so what is the point in torturing myself. Adalynne's short precious life was with tremendous purpose. Yesterday, I was secretly feeling sorry for myself. Adalynne was here for everyone's birthday, everyone's but mine. I did not nor did I plan on vocalizing my feelings. What is the point? It only makes me sad to let myself think like that, and it is not productive. Adalynne showed me how to love and she gave me a voice; one which people actually wanted to hear. She was and is truly a miracle. I don't think the window to heaven closes all of the way when someone first goes to heaven. It is like they come back; just to check that you are all right. Especially when it is our child. I have smelled Adalynne. She had this amazingly wonderful distinctive smell. The hat they put on her when she was first born still has her smell. Ryan put it in a bag in hopes to preserve her smell a bit longer. I was in the kitchen last week or the week before making breakfast for the boys, and I smelled Adalynne; above the food and all. It made me stop dead in my tracks. I looked around frantically, for what, I don't know; but, she was there. I know it sounds crazy. A couple of days later Ryan told me he smelled Adalynne, and I was like, "oh my gosh me too!" He was also in the kitchen. Then, my mom and I were talking and she told me she had smelled Adalynne. My mom was all alone at her house and she smelled our little princess. Or, sometimes when I talk to Adalynne, I feel this sense of calm and peace all around my body and for that instant I am okay. When my mom and I were sharing our crazy commitable experiences with one another, she shared with me she experienced the same sense of calm when she talked to Adalynne. I know it sounds absolutely crazy.
Last night my mom came over for dinner. It was a pre Birthday dinner. She had stopped by Publix and found this amazing little ladybug cake. The people at the bakery said that they had never seen one like it before. It was like it was Adalynne and she showed up in the form of a mini ladybug cake, she is here for my birthday. When my mom got over here last night and showed me the cake I just started crying. I vocalized my feelings of feeling sorry for myself and I was sad that Adalynne was not here for my birthday. See Adalynne was my little ladybug. She was our little ladybug. The cake made me smile...